If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if a mid-2000s R&B music video got lost in the woods, forgot its lyrics, and decided to become a horror movie instead, look no further than Somebody Help Me. Written and directed by Chris Stokes — the same man responsible for producing B2K’s hits and, apparently, their cinematic trauma — this 2007 BET original slasher is a masterclass in how not to make a horror film.
You’d think that Marques Houston (You Got Served) and Omarion (Omarion) might have some on-screen chemistry, seeing as they once shared dance floors and questionable fashion choices. But what we get here isn’t chemistry — it’s more like two guys waiting for their turn to check out of an Airbnb that’s haunted by a script written in crayon.
Welcome to the Woods, Sponsored by BET and Poor Decisions
The movie begins as all great horror films do: with a group of attractive, overconfident city people heading to a remote cabin where there’s no cell service, no plan, and no reason for them to be there other than to die in moderately creative ways. Brendan (Marques Houston) and Darryl (Omarion) bring their girlfriends, Serena and Kimmy, along for what’s supposed to be a relaxing weekend. You know the drill — bonfires, booze, and body parts flying like confetti.
Almost immediately, things start going wrong. There are weird noises in the night, creepy children humming nursery rhymes, and a general sense that someone in the production department watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre once and took very confused notes.
Before long, the film starts killing people — and not in a fun, Final Destination kind of way, but in a “please make it stop” kind of way. The killer (an elderly man who looks like a retired butcher with anger management issues) spends most of his screen time sawing off limbs while looking mildly inconvenienced, as if he’s late for bingo night.
Murder by Spreadsheet
The deaths pile up faster than the audience’s confusion. There’s Barbara, who loses part of her head; Andrea, who gets fully de-scalped (nice); Mike, whose eyes and fingernails are ripped out like expired coupons; and Ken, who has his teeth pulled before being smothered — because apparently dental hygiene kills.
Nicole dies from an asthma attack, which isn’t even the killer’s fault, but somehow the movie still counts it as a death scene. Nothing says “high-stakes horror” like watching someone wheeze for two minutes while the villain casually refuses to hand over an inhaler.
To keep things lively, we also have Daisy — the killer’s creepy granddaughter — who skips around singing “Ring Around the Rosie” because every horror movie is legally required to feature one child who moonlights as a ghostly jukebox. Daisy’s entire character arc consists of looking spooky and occasionally freeing the survivors, which is ironic considering she could’ve saved everyone 45 minutes earlier and spared us all this misery.
Acting? Barely. Dialogue? Arrestable.
Watching Somebody Help Me feels like being trapped in a group chat where no one can type. Every line of dialogue sounds like it was translated into English using an Etch A Sketch.
Take, for instance, this exchange between Brendan and Darryl:
“Yo, man, this is crazy.”
“Yeah, it’s real crazy.”
That’s it. That’s the script.
Marques Houston spends most of the film looking like he’s trying to remember his choreography from You Got Served, while Omarion looks like he’s just now realizing this isn’t a music video and he can’t dance his way out of danger. Their girlfriends fare no better — one screams, one sobs, and both deliver lines with the energy of someone reading cereal ingredients aloud.
There’s also a sheriff who appears briefly to die meaninglessly, a nurse who looks like she wandered in from another movie entirely, and a police officer named Olsen who shows up in the final act like a substitute teacher who hasn’t read the lesson plan.
A Killer with No Motivation (and Even Less Screen Presence)
Horror villains usually have something that makes them memorable — Freddy’s wisecracks, Jason’s mask, Leatherface’s power tools, or even Michael Myers’ silent persistence. The killer in Somebody Help Me has none of that. He’s just… there.
He’s a generic, wrinkled man with a knife collection and a granddaughter who thinks she’s auditioning for America’s Creepiest Kids. There’s no backstory worth caring about, no motive, no mythology. It’s as if the film said, “What if our villain just vibes?”
When he’s not hacking at teenagers, he’s wandering around his basement lair looking like he’s misplaced his dentures. His kills are bloody but boring — more like someone trying out YouTube makeup tutorials with a chainsaw.
And when the film tries to get clever with its ending — the killer and Daisy being let go by a cop as she hums “Ring Around the Rosie” — it’s less chilling and more like the setup to a bad joke: Two psychopaths walk into a police checkpoint…
Chris Stokes: The Maestro of Mayhem (and Mediocrity)
Chris Stokes, who wrote and directed this, clearly believes horror is just music video aesthetics with occasional dismemberment. His direction is the cinematic equivalent of an Instagram filter — slick, shallow, and smudged with self-importance. Every scene feels like it’s about to cut to a slow-motion dance sequence.
He attempts suspense by dimming the lights until the audience can’t see a thing. He tries atmosphere by adding fog machines that make the cabin look like a vape convention. And he mistakes long silences for tension when they’re really just boredom in disguise.
Stokes even sprinkles in what appear to be moral lessons about friendship and survival, but they land with the emotional depth of a half-eaten Hot Pocket.
Soundtrack or Cry for Help?
Because this is a Chris Stokes production, the soundtrack refuses to shut up. You’ll hear ominous bass drops that sound like rejected beats from a B2K album and dramatic sting effects so overused they could qualify as jump scares on their own.
Every chase scene feels like a music video intro gone rogue. It wouldn’t be surprising if, halfway through a murder, Marques Houston suddenly broke into a slow jam about regret and survival while Omarion performed interpretive dance beside a corpse.
The Final Act (and the Audience’s Mercy Killing)
By the time the survivors are rescued, you’re not rooting for them — you’re rooting for the end credits. Brendan, Serena, Darryl, and Kimmy make it out alive thanks to Olsen, the world’s most oblivious law enforcement officer. Daisy and her grandfather drive off into the sunset (or maybe just a different sequel nobody asked for), singing their creepy little rhyme like they just got off work from a demonic daycare.
It’s supposed to be haunting. It’s mostly exhausting.
Final Diagnosis: DOA (Dead on Arrival)
Somebody Help Me is not scary. It’s not funny. It’s not even bad in an entertaining way. It’s just aggressively mediocre — a film that looks at the entire slasher genre and says, “What if we tried nothing and still failed?”
It’s a movie where every cliché comes to die: the creepy cabin, the disposable characters, the nursery rhyme villain, the racial stereotypes — all lined up like patients waiting for malpractice.
The only real horror here is realizing this got a sequel.
Final Score: 2/10
One point for effort. One for Angela Bettis not being in it. The rest? Lost in the woods, humming “Ring Around the Rosie,” and begging for mercy — just like the audience.
