When the Undead Should’ve Stayed Dead
There’s a special kind of irony in a movie about vampires that feels utterly lifeless. Underworld: Blood Wars — the fifth entry in a series that should’ve been staked after Evolution — is proof that even the immortal can suffer from creative decay. Directed by Anna Foerster and written by Cory Goodman, this film is less “Blood Wars” and more “Mildly Annoyed Vampires Argue About Management Hierarchy.”
If Underworld was once a sleek goth ballet of leather, blood, and gunfire, this installment is the arthritic pirouette of a franchise running on fumes. It’s not so much a movie as it is a contractual obligation wearing a trench coat.
Previously, on “Vampire Office Politics: The Movie”
Remember Selene (Kate Beckinsale)? The eternally scowling vampire assassin who’s been shooting werewolves for roughly 700 years and hasn’t cracked a smile since dial-up internet? Well, she’s back — again — because apparently, her life is just an endless cycle of trench coats, betrayal, and mild frostbite.
This time, the vampires are still at war with the Lycans. The Lycans are led by Marius (Tobias Menzies), who’s so generically evil he might as well be named “Bad Guy #5.” Everyone wants Selene’s missing daughter, Eve, whose blood holds the secret to hybrid supremacy. Unfortunately, Eve couldn’t be bothered to show up for this movie, presumably because even she’s tired of her mom’s melodrama.
Meanwhile, the vampires are fighting amongst themselves in a plot so convoluted it makes Game of Thrones look like Bluey. Semira (Lara Pulver), an ambitious vampire Elder, poisons Selene so she can steal her blood and her wardrobe. Betrayals happen, people die, and everyone looks cold. It’s like a soap opera filmed inside a meat locker.
The Plot: All Filler, No Thriller
The movie spends the first hour trying to explain itself, which is hilarious because there’s nothing to explain. Selene gets framed, escapes, gets resurrected, and ends up with “new powers” that are mostly just running slightly faster and wearing a fur collar.
She travels to the Nordic Coven — basically a vampire wellness retreat in the snow — where everyone speaks softly and looks like they shop exclusively at IKEA. There, we learn that David (Theo James), Selene’s moody protégé, is secretly vampire royalty. This revelation would’ve been shocking if anyone cared about David.
Then come the Lycans, armed with machine guns for some reason, and a battle ensues. “Battle” here meaning a bunch of gray CGI blobs slamming into each other in a dimly lit hallway. There’s blood, bullets, and a vague sense that the cinematographer fell asleep halfway through the shoot.
By the time Selene literally rips Marius’ spine out like she’s auditioning for Mortal Kombat, the audience has already flatlined.
The Characters: Who’s Who (and Why Are They Still Here?)
Selene (Kate Beckinsale):
Our heroine remains as cool and detached as ever — like a model in a perfume commercial called Eternal Ennui. Beckinsale does her best with what little she’s given, but even she seems tired of pretending to reload dual pistols in slow motion. She’s basically the vampiric equivalent of someone stuck in an eternal Zoom meeting.
David (Theo James):
A charisma vacuum in tight leather pants. His big twist — being the son of vampire Elder Amelia — lands with all the emotional impact of a notification ping. He’s there to look pretty, pout, and occasionally save Selene, because nothing says “empowerment” like being rescued by the least interesting man alive.
Semira (Lara Pulver):
A femme fatale who chews scenery like it’s her only source of iron. She’s manipulative, seductive, and the only person in the movie who seems to understand the concept of fun. Naturally, she dies, because this franchise doesn’t allow for personality.
Marius (Tobias Menzies):
A werewolf leader so unthreatening that his growls sound like mild indigestion. His master plan? Drink hybrid blood and… keep doing the same thing Lycans have been doing since 2003. Honestly, the most terrifying thing about him is his man bun.
Charles Dance (Thomas):
He shows up, glowers elegantly, delivers some Shakespearean exposition, and dies halfway through. The man probably shot his scenes in a weekend between Game of Thrones episodes and still manages to be the best part of the film.
The Action: Gun-Fu in the Dark
Remember when Underworld fights were cool — all blue filters, backflips, and slow-motion gunfire? Well, Blood Warsproves that style is mortal after all. The choreography looks like it was directed by someone trying to film through a snowstorm. Every action scene is aggressively gray and so poorly lit it feels like the editor was afraid of daylight.
We get vampire duels, lycan sieges, and Selene running through hallways, shooting endlessly into the void. The bullets never run out, the physics never make sense, and the camera never stops shaking. If you squint hard enough, you can almost make out what’s happening — but why would you?
The Dialogue: Gothic Mad Libs
The Underworld franchise has never been known for its dialogue, but Blood Wars takes it to new levels of accidental comedy. Every line sounds like it was generated by a brooding teenager after listening to too much Evanescence.
Lines like:
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“The war will never end!”
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“You are the key to everything!”
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“Darkness is my destiny.”
Yes, we get it. You’re all miserable immortals with trust issues. Maybe try therapy instead of genocide.
The script tries to sound mythic and mysterious, but it lands somewhere between “bad D&D session” and “Hot Topic employee handbook.”
The Visuals: Fifty Shades of Blue Filter
The Underworld aesthetic — that blue-gray cyber-goth look — was stylish in 2003. In 2016, it feels like someone applied the “depression” filter to every scene. Everything is cold, metallic, and drained of color, as if the director confused “dark” with “barely visible.”
Even the costumes, once iconic, now look like rejected cosplay. Selene’s outfit hasn’t evolved in five movies — she’s still dressed like a dominatrix who misplaced her motorcycle. The Lycans, meanwhile, resemble angry gorillas in need of conditioner.
The “Blood” in Blood Wars
For a movie with “Blood” in the title, there’s surprisingly little of it. Most of the kills happen off-screen or in bursts of generic CGI mist. When Selene finally does something gory — ripping out Marius’s spine — it’s over so fast it feels like the movie is apologizing for being interesting.
You’d think a film about immortal creatures locked in an eternal death feud might indulge in some creative carnage. Instead, it’s just endless gunfire and the occasional throat bite, all edited like a migraine.
The Ending: Sequel Bait from Beyond the Grave
After the carnage, Selene, David, and a random Nordic vampire named Lena are crowned as new Elders — because apparently leadership in this world works like a game of musical chairs. Selene also gets a new look: paler, faster, and more bored than ever.
We’re told she’s reunited with her daughter Eve, though we never see it. Probably because the actress refused to appear without hazard pay. The film ends on a solemn note that screams, “Please let this franchise rest,” but of course, someone will inevitably resurrect it. Vampires and bad franchises share the same weakness: they never die when you want them to.
Final Thoughts: Bloodless, Boneless, and Brain-Dead
Underworld: Blood Wars isn’t the worst movie ever made — it’s just the cinematic equivalent of déjà vu. Everything you’ve seen before, only duller, darker, and delivered with the enthusiasm of a vampire with anemia.
Kate Beckinsale deserves better. We all do.
If this series continues, the next one will probably be called Underworld: Blood Work, in which Selene files for retirement benefits and drinks iron supplements instead of plasma.
Verdict:
⭐️⭐️ out of 5.
A franchise that once had bite now just gums you to death. Do yourself a favor and let this one rest in peace — preferably with a stake through the script.
