Let’s get one thing straight—The Child is a movie so bad that, by the end of it, you’ll start wondering if the real supernatural force was the production team, who somehow thought this trainwreck was worth making. Directed by Robert Voskanian, it’s like someone took all the cliché horror tropes, crumpled them into a ball, and threw them at the screen with all the subtlety of a drunken toddler in a toy store.
Plot: A Tale of Bad Decisions and Worse CGI
Our story begins with Alicianne Del Mar, a nanny with an astounding lack of survival instincts, who takes a job at the decaying Nordon estate in rural California. She crashes her car on the way there because apparently, driving a car is just too much for her to handle. But hey, no big deal, right? She’s just going to walk through some creepy woods, and—surprise!—stumbles upon an abandoned cemetery. Because who doesn’t just wander through abandoned cemeteries in the dark with no real purpose, right?
Alicianne eventually finds the house where the real horror begins—the family. We’ve got the quirky widower, Mr. Nordon, his moody son Len, and Rosalie, the telekinetic child who must’ve read a few too many Carrie fan fiction stories. And speaking of Rosalie, the little telekinetic terror spends her time tormenting the locals and summoning zombies. Nothing too strange here. Just a normal family dynamic.
The Acting: A Masterclass in Wooden Performances
The acting in The Child is like watching paint dry, if the paint was made of broken promises and regret. The standout performance comes from Rosalie Cole as Rosalie Nordon, who manages to deliver her lines with the kind of enthusiasm usually reserved for people waiting in line at the DMV. And then there’s Laurel Barnett as Alicianne, whose range could probably be measured in micrometers. She reacts to being attacked by zombies with the same level of emotion as someone receiving a coupon for 10% off at a grocery store. Frank Janson, playing Len, has that same “what am I doing here?” vibe, which, honestly, I can’t blame him for.
The Horror: As Scary As a Broken Toy
Now, let’s talk about the “horror.” The best part? The telekinetic abilities that Rosalie uses to move things around the house, which, if I’m being honest, are about as effective as a toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of a toy store. The so-called zombies? Imagine your grandma’s Halloween decorations, but with a more disturbing backstory and way worse makeup. They’re like a cross between mall Santas and rejected extras from Night of the Living Dead, but with less life in their eyes. The whole thing feels like a very bad haunted house attraction where you’re just waiting for it to be over.
The Ending: The Real Horror Is the Script
The climax is a feast for bad decision-making and even worse special effects. Just when you think the zombies can’t get worse, the film gives you the gift of Rosalie’s unbelievably slow death scene. How does it end? With Alicianne bludgeoning Rosalie to death with an axe in a scene so awkward, you’d swear they were just trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible. It’s a twist ending that’s supposed to be shocking but ends up just being a laughableculmination of poor choices, even worse acting, and, frankly, a script that could’ve used a little more care than the one used to create these monstrosities.
Final Thoughts: Horror for the Brave, Patience for the Rest of Us
If you’re into movies that are so awful they’re kind of funny in their incompetence, The Child is the horror film for you. The plot is a muddled mess, the acting is wooden, and the horror is more “what was that?” than “I’m terrified.” Watching it is like enduring an endless loop of bad TV commercials, but somehow even that would be more frightening than the zombies. So grab a drink, gather your bravest friends, and watch in awe as The Child teaches you exactly what not to do when making a horror movie.
