The Plot: Civil War Reenactment, but Make it Necrotic
If you’ve ever been to a Civil War reenactment and thought, You know what this needs? More cannibalism and less historical accuracy, then congratulations—this is your movie. Six friends go deer hunting and somehow end up grave-robbing Confederate soldiers, which apparently is the undead equivalent of ringing the doorbell and running away. Unfortunately for them, the soldiers are very much home… and very much in the mood for people stew.
The Characters: Six People You’ll Never Miss
The cast feels less like a group of close friends and more like random strangers who met at a gas station and decided to start a militia. There’s Mel, who steals a diary from a corpse because apparently he’s never heard of boundaries. There’s Blind Kiyomi, because nothing says “smart survival strategy” like inviting your visually impaired friend on a deer hunt. And then there’s Bill, whose main contribution is dying early and proving that bullets don’t fix bad life choices.
The Zombies: Slow, Hungry, and Possibly Racist
The “Cannibal Confederates” are exactly what they sound like—slow-moving Civil War soldiers who don’t want to free the slaves, just your internal organs. They shuffle around with the enthusiasm of a DMV line, yet somehow still manage to kill half the cast. Their tactical plan seems to be: “wait until the humans start bickering, then eat them.” Honestly, it works.
The Action: Shotguns, Screaming, and Geographic Confusion
Every attack scene plays out like a bad improv skit. The characters shoot, yell, and run in circles like they’re lost at a county fair, only to end up back where they started—dead or about to be. At one point, they even get the police involved, but the cops don’t believe them. This is a shame, because “Zombie Confederates” would make for a fantastic police report headline.
The Ending: Return to Sender
After enough people have been chewed on to fill a Golden Corral buffet, Wyatt finally gives the diary back to the zombie captain. And just like that, the Confederate dead call it a night and go back to bed. So… all of this carnage could have been avoided if Mel just didn’t go full Antiques Roadshow on a 100-year-old corpse.
Final Thoughts: Buried for a Reason
Curse of the Cannibal Confederates is the cinematic equivalent of digging up a corpse—not because you have to, but because you’re bored and curious. It’s slow, clumsy, and dumb as a bag of bayonets, but if you’re a Troma completist or just want to watch Civil War soldiers eat people like pulled pork, you might find some charm here. Everyone else? Leave these boys in the ground.
