The Rhode Island Chainsaw Extraterrestrial
Almost Human (2013) is what happens when The X-Files crashes headfirst into a VHS copy of The Thing and wakes up in a New England logging town. Directed by Joe Begos in his feature debut — and shot entirely in Rhode Island, because where else do you film cosmic horror on a budget? — this scrappy, gore-drenched sci-fi shocker is a love letter to ‘80s creature features. And like all good love letters, it’s messy, bloodstained, and a little unhinged.
This is a film that asks, “What if your best friend got abducted by aliens and came back with bad skin, a worse attitude, and the urge to violently reproduce?” The answer, it turns out, is a delightful carnival of slime, shotgun blasts, and lovingly recreated practical effects that would make John Carpenter smile and probably call his lawyer.
The Setup: A Close Encounter of the Wrong Kind
The movie kicks off two years after Mark (Josh Ethier) is abducted by something bright, loud, and definitely not OSHA-approved. His best friend Seth (Graham Skipper) and Mark’s girlfriend Jen (Vanessa Leigh) are still reeling from the incident, trying to move on — which in small-town horror movie terms means drinking heavily and refusing to leave the county.
Then, just when life starts to look almost normal, Mark reappears naked, gooey, and weirdly buff — like he’s been bench-pressing asteroids. Unfortunately, his new extraterrestrial workout plan also comes with the ability to sprout mouth-tentacles and impregnate humans through a process that makes HR departments everywhere deeply uncomfortable.
The Return of Mark: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (and Also Murder Everyone)
What’s immediately charming — in a deeply disturbing way — is how Almost Human treats its monster. Mark isn’t your typical zombie or slasher villain; he’s the guy next door who came back from space and now murders people for… love? Reproduction? Science? All of the above?
Every encounter with Mark feels like a family reunion gone wrong. Old friends welcome him back, he stares at them blankly, and then promptly drills a hole through their face. It’s awkward, gory, and surprisingly funny — especially when the townsfolk react with the understated panic of people who’ve seen too many deer accidents.
Josh Ethier’s performance is bizarrely captivating — a mix of dead-eyed alien detachment and quiet “I just got out of therapy” energy. He’s less a man possessed and more a man who’s really not okay with Earth gravity anymore.
Practical Effects: Blood, Sweat, and Latex
One of Almost Human’s greatest joys is its old-school devotion to practical gore. There’s no sleek CGI here — just gallons of fake blood, rubber prosthetics, and the kind of sound effects that make you instinctively touch your own neck. When a head explodes, it really explodes. When bodies mutate, they do so with a commitment to wet, squishy realism that would make Tom Savini proud.
Begos clearly worships at the altar of Carpenter and Cronenberg. Every frame drips with that VHS-era nastiness — the flickering lights, the smoke machines working overtime, and the color palette of a fever dream painted in crimson and ash.
Sure, the budget’s tiny, but that’s part of the charm. The film looks like it was made by a group of friends who maxed out their credit cards and decided to make the most fun alien horror movie they could. And honestly, it shows — in the best way possible.
The Characters: Lovable Idiots in Peril
Like all good horror, Almost Human balances its monster mayhem with a healthy dose of human stupidity. Seth (Graham Skipper), our frazzled protagonist, is the kind of guy who knows something’s wrong but decides to investigate anyway, because horror movies require people with poor decision-making skills.
Skipper plays him with a mix of earnestness and panic — the kind of guy who still believes friendship can overcome intergalactic possession. Bless his heart.
Meanwhile, Vanessa Leigh’s Jen is the film’s emotional core — part love interest, part horror-movie punching bag. Her relationship with Mark becomes grotesquely tragic as he tries to “reconnect” in ways that redefine bad dates forever. Watching her shift from disbelief to survival mode gives the film a bit of humanity amid the chaos.
A Symphony of Screams and Shotguns
The pacing of Almost Human is relentless — like an alien invasion directed by someone with attention deficit disorder and access to a chainsaw. The film rarely slows down, and when it does, it’s only to set up another moment of gloriously excessive violence.
Begos directs with the confidence of someone who’s seen The Evil Dead one too many times and thought, “Yeah, but what if we added aliens?” The sound design is equally brutal — every gunshot sounds like thunder in a closet, every death like someone smashing a watermelon with a hammer.
And yet, there’s a strange beauty to the madness. Beneath all the splatter and screaming, there’s a genuine sense of craftsmanship. Each kill is lovingly staged, each frame drenched in that analog nostalgia that makes horror fans weep with joy and dry-heave in equal measure.
The Humor: Unintentional or Genius? Who Cares?
One of the film’s greatest strengths is its unintentional comedy — though it’s hard to tell if Begos is in on the joke. The dialogue feels like it was written by someone who’s never heard two people talk before, but somehow it works.
Lines like “Something’s wrong with Mark” are delivered with such sincerity that you can’t help but laugh. Of coursesomething’s wrong with Mark — he’s glowing, drooling, and turning people into alien incubators! But that’s part of the fun. The movie leans so hard into its absurd premise that you can’t help but admire its commitment.
It’s the cinematic equivalent of a garage band that can’t play its instruments but still puts on one hell of a show.
The Ending: Love Hurts, Especially When It’s Extraterrestrial
Without spoiling too much, Almost Human concludes with a finale that’s equal parts grotesque and poetic — a marriage of sci-fi doom and body horror that would make David Cronenberg nod approvingly before muttering, “You sick bastards.”
There’s no neat resolution, no cathartic victory. Just the realization that sometimes friendship really does last forever — especially when one of you is an alien parasite and the other’s too loyal to stop it.
It’s equal parts horrifying and heartfelt — a bizarrely touching note to end on, if your idea of touching involves body horror and existential dread.
Verdict: A Low-Budget Gem from the Outer Limits
Almost Human is what happens when passion outpaces polish. It’s scrappy, unrefined, and absolutely dripping with affection for the B-movies that inspired it. Joe Begos may not reinvent the wheel here, but he straps a flamethrower to it and rolls it down a foggy Rhode Island road at 80 miles per hour.
Yes, it’s rough around the edges. Yes, the acting occasionally sounds like an alien trying to imitate human speech. But that’s part of its charm. This is horror filmmaking by people who love horror — messy, ambitious, and unapologetically weird.
If you’re looking for sleek, sanitized scares, look elsewhere. But if you crave blood, guts, and a surprising amount of heart (and tentacles), Almost Human delivers in spades.
Verdict: ★★★★☆
Almost Human is part sci-fi horror, part Valentine’s Day massacre, and all glorious madness. Come for the alien abductions, stay for the nostalgia — and remember, if your best friend starts glowing and acting weird, maybe just block his number.
