There was a time in the mid-’90s when anything with the word “virtual” slapped on the cover promised the future — virtual sex, virtual crime, virtual this, virtual that — and Virtual Combat threw its hat into that cracked, overlit ring with all the grace of a Power Glove stuck on dial-up. Don “The Dragon” … Read More “Virtual Combat (1995): Cyber Sludge in a VHS Shell” »
If you’ve ever wanted to watch L.A. Confidential rewritten by a teenager with a porn addiction and a trench coat fetish, Undercover Heat is your soggy VHS dream come true. Directed with the subtlety of a sledgehammer by Gregory Dark — a man whose resume reads like the inventory of a dusty backroom at an … Read More “Undercover Heat (1995): A Softcore Mystery That Couldn’t Find Its G-Spot or Its Plot” »
Let’s say your local grocery store is out of Steven Seagal and you’re really jonesing for some generic martial arts mayhem. Who do you reach for in the cinematic bargain bin? Jeff Speakman, apparently — a man whose acting range runs the emotional gamut from squinting to slightly more intense squinting. Now toss in Ron … Read More “Deadly Outbreak (1995) Jeff Speakman vs. Ron Silver: The Showdown Nobody Asked For” »
There’s something inherently ridiculous about dropping Jackie Chan — a whirling Hong Kong buzzsaw of kung fu magic — into 1930s America and expecting it to go smoothly. Battle Creek Brawl is what happens when East meets West and then immediately trips over a pair of roller skates. Directed by Robert Clouse, the same guy … Read More “Battle Creek Brawl (1980): Jackie Chan Punches America in the Face (And Kristine DeBell Makes It Bearable)” »
There are two kinds of summer camp movies: the ones that try to teach you something, and the ones that pass you a beer, pull your finger, and laugh when you fart. Meatballs is proudly the second kind — a half-drunken stumble through bug spray, bell-bottoms, and teenage sweat, guided by a slouching, smirking Bill … Read More “Meatballs (1979): Where the Losers Win, the Shorts Are Short, and Bill Murray Can’t Be Contained” »
“Rocky” with Lip Gloss, and Somehow Even Less Believable Ah, The Main Event. The film that dared to ask: what if Rocky was rewritten by a perfume commercial? What if a love story and a boxing movie had a baby, and that baby was dropped on its head repeatedly while being raised by a disco … Read More “The Main Event (1979): A TKO of Taste, Talent, and Testosterone” »
The Bimbo Olympics, Brought to You by Made-for-TV If you’ve ever wanted to see what happens when the concept of fame is boiled down to lip gloss, blank stares, and soft-focus ambition, look no further than 1978’s Katie: Portrait of a Centerfold. It’s a made-for-TV movie masquerading as a cautionary tale, but really it’s just … Read More “Katie: Portrait of a Centerfold (1978): When Airheads Dream Big and the Script Takes a Nap” »
When Porn Tries to Sing—and Fails Miserably (Except for Kristine DeBell) Once upon a time in 1976, someone snorted a rail of disco glitter, skimmed a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, and said, “You know what this needs? Musical numbers and penetration.” Thus was born Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy, a film … Read More “Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976): A White Rabbit Trail to Nowhere” »
If Freud and Cinemax ever had a lovechild, it would look a lot like Profile for Murder — a movie that thinks it’s deep because someone once skimmed a Psychology 101 textbook while half-buzzed on Zima. This straight-to-video clunker drapes itself in the illusion of suspense, then strips it down to its sleaziest base layer: … Read More “Profile for Murder (1996): Softcore Psychobabble in a Straightjacket” »
In the annals of late-night cable mediocrity, few films face-plant harder in stiletto heels than Black Scorpion, a movie that plays like someone watched Batman, got drunk on peach schnapps, and shouted “What if Catwoman had less personality and more cleavage?” Enter Joan Severance, a woman genetically engineered in a secret lab to wear leather … Read More “Black Scorpion (1995): A Low-Budget Kink Parade Masquerading as a Superhero Movie” »
