Nature, Nonsense, and a Whole Lot of Teeth
If you ever thought Sharknado needed more plumbing, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is the movie for you. Directed by James Cullen Bressack and proudly brought to you by the cinematic daredevils at The Asylum, this 2014 made-for-Animal Planet masterpiece proves that sometimes, you don’t need logic, science, or dignity—you just need Shannen Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and a swarm of bloodsucking eels that can fit through a drainpipe.
It’s a movie that asks the hard questions: What if lampreys could attack through your toilet? What if Christopher Lloyd was your mayor? And most importantly, why are we still trusting lakes?
This isn’t just a creature feature—it’s an aquatic apocalypse with a sense of humor, a heart full of B-movie charm, and the audacity to premiere on a channel better known for slow-motion footage of meerkats.
The Plot: Jaws Meets Home Depot
The film opens with Ted Jargenson, a city worker checking a pipe, which is horror-movie code for “this man is going to die in the first three minutes.” Sure enough, Ted meets his end via a gang of lampreys that leap from the water like caffeinated garden hoses and suck him dry faster than a Netflix deal.
From there, we meet Michael Parker (Jason Brooks), a fish and wildlife guy who moves his family to a picturesque lakeside town—because in horror movies, scenic equals deadly. Michael’s wife Cate (Shannen Doherty) is the pragmatic one, while their teenage kids, Nicole and Kyle, handle the secondary tasks of being attractive and making bad decisions.
When Michael investigates, he discovers the lampreys have gone rogue—chewing through the local fish population, then deciding, “Eh, humans taste better.” Meanwhile, the mayor (Christopher Lloyd, in glorious overacting mode) insists they keep the lake open because “tourism dollars!” Nothing says leadership like prioritizing beach parties over body counts.
Naturally, things escalate. Lampreys burst out of corpses, slither into pipes, and turn the entire water system into a sippy straw of death. You’ve heard of Shark Week? Welcome to Suck Week.
The Cast: Heroes, Villains, and Vacuum Cleaners With Attitude
Jason Brooks gives a solid performance as Michael Parker, the man who must save the town from its own infrastructure. He plays it straight, which is impressive considering he spends most of the movie fighting worms that look like something you’d find under your fridge.
Shannen Doherty, bless her, commits completely. Whether she’s wielding a fire poker or yelling “Get out of the pool!” with soap-opera conviction, she sells every line like she’s auditioning for The Real Housewives of Lake Michigan. Her combination of maternal panic and deadpan sarcasm makes her the true MVP.
Christopher Lloyd, meanwhile, is having the time of his life. As Mayor Bruce Akerman, he channels Doc Brown after a nervous breakdown. His death scene—where a lamprey enters him via the toilet—is either the greatest moment in cable TV history or a public service announcement about proper plumbing maintenance. “Great Scott!” indeed.
The supporting cast includes Zack Ward as Will, Rachel True as Marcy, and River Monsters host Jeremy Wade, who shows up as a lamprey expert (playing himself, naturally). Watching Wade solemnly explain killer lampreys while surrounded by CGI blood is the closest thing to poetry The Asylum has ever produced.
The Lampreys: Mother Nature’s Flesh Straws
Let’s talk about the real stars: the lampreys. These slimy, dead-eyed tubes of terror are rendered in CGI so gloriously inconsistent that each shot feels like a surprise. Sometimes they look passable—sleek, twitching, terrifying. Other times, they resemble animated spaghetti noodles with bloodlust.
But that’s part of the charm. The special effects team clearly knew their limits and decided to embrace them. The lampreys slither through pipes, erupt from bathtubs, and even latch onto people’s faces like demonic Roombas. There’s a certain punk-rock energy to their attacks: fast, cheap, and gleefully gross.
When they burst out of a corpse in the morgue to attack the coroner, it’s equal parts horror and slapstick. When they wriggle through the plumbing to invade someone’s pool, it’s absurd brilliance. And when they attack the mayor’s rear end mid–toilet break… well, that’s art.
The Science: Don’t Think Too Hard
Yes, the movie takes place on Animal Planet, but this isn’t Planet Earth. It’s Planet WTF. The film occasionally pauses to toss in half-baked science jargon—“bio salts,” “water systems,” “electrocution frequencies”—but it’s all nonsense, and it’s glorious.
You can almost hear the writers saying, “Should we Google how electricity affects aquatic life?” and someone else responding, “Nah, just make it explode.”
By the end, the plan to kill the lampreys involves luring them to a water treatment plant and electrocuting them en masse. It’s ridiculous, dangerous, and exactly what you’d expect from a movie that once premiered between reruns of River Monsters and Finding Bigfoot.
The Highlights: Shock, Awe, and Plumbing Nightmares
The kills are creative, the pacing is brisk, and the tone dances perfectly between serious and self-aware.
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The Pool Scene: A suburban pool party becomes a bloodbath when lampreys attack like they’re auditioning for Piranha 3D. Watching Shannen Doherty try to rescue people from sentient garden hoses is a surreal delight.
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The Morgue Attack: When lampreys burst out of a corpse’s chest, it’s a beautiful blend of Alien homage and SyFy-level chaos.
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Mayor Toilet Death: Already mentioned, but worth repeating. You will never look at indoor plumbing the same way again.
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Final Showdown: The climactic electrocution sequence features explosions, screaming, and enough fake lightning to power a Kiss concert.
There’s not a dull moment. Even the quieter scenes crackle with camp energy. Everyone is in on the joke—but playing it straight, which makes it even funnier.
The Message: Nature Hates You
Beneath all the absurdity, Blood Lake delivers a surprisingly coherent moral: humans mess with nature, nature messes back—with teeth. It’s an eco-horror story told through the lens of absurdist comedy. The town ignores the warning signs (and literal corpses), prioritizing money and pride over safety. The result? Lampreys in your toilet.
It’s basically Jaws for the low-budget era—less Spielberg, more PVC pipe—but the message lands: respect nature, or it will crawl up your plumbing and eat you alive.
The B-Movie Beauty of It All
Here’s the thing: Blood Lake knows exactly what it is. It’s not pretending to be prestige horror. It’s a B-movie that proudly wears its ridiculousness like a badge of honor. The Asylum built its empire on absurdity, and this might be one of its crown jewels.
The film’s biggest triumph is how fun it is. It’s never boring. It doesn’t waste time trying to be deep or ironic. It just wants to show you people screaming while eels attack their faces—and sometimes, that’s all you need.
Final Thoughts: A Bloody Good Time
So yes, this is a positive review. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is dumb in all the right ways. It’s self-aware without being smug, gory without being mean-spirited, and chaotic in the best possible sense. It’s what happens when cable television, Animal Planet, and a gallon of fake blood get locked in a room together.
Shannen Doherty is fierce. Christopher Lloyd is unhinged. The CGI is tragic. The script is nonsense. And somehow, it all works.
If you go in expecting Jaws, you’ll be disappointed. But if you go in expecting Jaws written by people who just discovered caffeine and After Effects, you’ll have the time of your life.
So grab some popcorn, keep your bathroom door closed, and dive in. Because in Blood Lake, the lampreys bite, the acting chews, and the audience—well, we just smile and let it suck us in.
