Some horror movies are designed to make you afraid of monsters. Others make you afraid of being stuck in a poorly lit European rave with people who look like they shop exclusively at Hot Topic. Catacombs (2007), the first original film from FEARnet, manages to do neither. Instead, it makes you afraid of wasting 90 minutes of your life watching Shannyn Sossamon stumble through Paris’ underground ossuary while Pink (yes, that Pink, credited as Alecia Moore) wanders in long enough to make you wonder if this was originally pitched as a music video gone horribly wrong.
This movie had everything going for it: a spooky real-world setting in the Paris Catacombs, a Satanic goat-mask killer, and absinthe-fueled raves. What it delivers instead is a jittery fever dream about anxiety disorders, sibling pranks, and a twist so dumb it makes M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening look like Citizen Kane.
The Plot: Dumb and Dumberer Underground
Our “heroine,” Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon), is introduced as an anxiety-ridden young woman invited to Paris by her sister Carolyn (Alecia Moore). This already feels like a red flag. If you know your sibling suffers from crippling panic attacks, the first logical activity is not a rave 200 feet underground, surrounded by human bones, lit by glow sticks, and populated by sweaty Frenchmen on ecstasy. But Carolyn is what you’d call “the bad influence sibling.” She’s got connections to the bouncer, Hugo, who ushers them into this subterranean death trap.
Once inside, Victoria is shoved into the VIP section, downing absinthe like she’s about to audition for Spring Breakers 2: Paris Drift. Then Jean-Michel, the kind of character who oozes “Eurotrash with daddy’s money,” tells her about a local legend: a killer raised by Satanists known as “Antichrist” who stalks the tunnels, feeding on the lost. Naturally, Victoria freaks out, because of course she does.
Soon after, Carolyn is grabbed by a shadowy figure, and Victoria finds her apparently dead. Enter: Goat Mask Killer™. The next hour is Victoria running, crying, sweating, hallucinating, and bumping into conveniently blocked exits like she’s trapped in a video game level designed by someone who hates fun. She meets Henri (Emil Hoștină), a guy who shows up just long enough to sprain his ankle and get abandoned, which is honestly the most relatable decision Victoria makes in the entire movie.
She eventually kills someone with a pickaxe, only to discover—surprise!—it was all a prank orchestrated by her loving sister and friends. Because nothing says “family bonding” like tricking your unstable sibling into believing she’s being hunted by a satanic cannibal in the Parisian underworld. Shockingly, Victoria doesn’t find this hilarious. She responds by actually killing her sister and pals, then hightailing it to the airport like nothing happened. The end. Roll credits. Please also roll my eyes.
The Characters: Bones Have More Personality
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Victoria (Shannyn Sossamon): A bundle of nerves wrapped in eyeliner. She spends the entire film crying, hyperventilating, or stabbing people. Her character arc is basically “panic attack victim evolves into homicidal maniac.” Inspirational, really.
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Carolyn (Alecia Moore): Imagine having Pink as your sister, but instead of singing empowering anthems, she gaslights you into a psychological breakdown in the name of “fun.” She exists solely to drag Victoria into the catacombs and then get skewered by her.
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Jean-Michel (Mihai Stănescu): The rave host with the charisma of a moldy croissant. He tells scary stories, hands out absinthe, and then gets murdered by Victoria because apparently glow sticks weren’t dangerous enough.
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Henri (Emil Hoștină): The one semi-decent human who tries to help Victoria, but since this is a horror movie, he’s doomed. If you sprain your ankle in a monster movie, you’re basically a walking Happy Meal.
Everyone else is a blur of French accents, bare torsos, and terrible decision-making.
The Setting: Spooky Hallways and Flashlights of Doom
The Paris Catacombs are legitimately terrifying—a real labyrinth of tunnels lined with six million skeletons. But instead of tapping into that eerie history, the film uses it as a backdrop for shaky-cam chase sequences and endless shots of Victoria waving her flashlight at damp walls. The cinematography screams “we had three bulbs, one camera, and a fog machine from Spirit Halloween.”
There are moments where the filmmakers almost capture the claustrophobia of being underground—but then someone starts shrieking, the camera cuts away, and we’re back to watching Shannyn Sossamon pant like she’s running a marathon in flip-flops.
The Killer: Goat Mask, Zero Scares
The supposed villain, “Antichrist,” is introduced with Satanic backstory potential. Raised by a cult! Feeds on lost tourists! Lives in the shadows! In theory, he should be terrifying. In practice, he looks like a frat boy who lost a bet and had to wear a Spirit Store goat mask to a rave. He shows up, waves his arms, and chases Victoria around like he’s late for a furry convention.
The real horror isn’t the Goat Mask Killer—it’s that he barely matters. Once you find out the entire thing is a prank, he ceases to exist as a threat. Imagine setting up a monster movie only to reveal the monster was just Chad from marketing playing dress-up.
The Twist: More Stupid Than Scary
And here lies the corpse of Catacombs. The twist—that Carolyn and her friends orchestrated the whole nightmare as a joke—is not only lazy, it’s insulting. Who thinks, “You know what’ll help my unstable, panic-prone sister? A fake serial killer experience in the world’s largest underground graveyard.”
Of course, the prank goes sideways when Victoria kills Jean-Michel. Instead of being horrified by this accident, Carolyn berates her, which leads Victoria to full-on murder her sister and pals. And just like that, Catacombs transforms from horror movie to after-school special about why you should never prank someone with unresolved trauma.
The Gore: Pickaxe Therapy
For a movie set in tunnels filled with skeletons, the gore is surprisingly light. Sure, there’s the occasional blood splatter, but the “kills” are few and underwhelming. The only moment that lands is when Victoria buries a pickaxe in Jean-Michel’s head, mostly because it feels like karmic justice for making us watch him for 60 minutes.
The Music: Because Absinthe Isn’t Enough
The soundtrack, composed by Yoshiki, tries to sell you on ethereal dread. Instead, it feels like someone playing “spooky rave” on a Casio keyboard. The theme song “Blue Butterfly” by Violet UK is the only stylish touch, but by the time it plays, you’ll be too busy regretting your life choices to care.
Final Verdict: Catastrophe in the Catacombs
Catacombs could’ve been great. It had the setting. It had the bones (literally). It even had Pink. But instead of delivering claustrophobic terror, it serves up shaky cam, goat masks, and a prank twist so idiotic it makes you want to side with the skeletons.
Watching this film is like getting lost underground with a group of drunk exchange students who keep yelling, “It’s just a joke, bro!” until you finally pick up a mining tool and decide to end it all.
Final Score: 2 goat masks out of 10.
Not scary, not fun, and not worth the flashlight batteries. The only real terror here is realizing this was FEARnet’s first original movie. Honestly? They should’ve quit while they were behind.
