Every once in a while, a movie comes along that critics hail as “bold,” “visionary,” and “genre-defying,” which is usually code for “you won’t understand it, but please pretend you do.” The Lure (2015) is that movie — a Polish horror musical about carnivorous mermaids who become nightclub strippers in 1980s Warsaw. It’s like The … Read More “The Lure: When Mermaids, Music, and Madness Sink Together” »
There are movies that crawl under your skin, and then there’s Lavalantula — a film that crawls up your leg, breathes fire on your dignity, and lays its eggs in your frontal lobe. Released on SyFy in 2015, Lavalantula is a cinematic hybrid of “bad CGI,” “midlife crisis,” and “Steve Guttenberg really needed the work.” … Read More “Lavalantula: Eight Legs, Zero Shame” »
Zombies, But Make It Low-Poly Somewhere, George A. Romero is spinning in his grave at 24 frames per second. Night of the Living Dead: Darkest Dawn(also known as Origins 3D) is a “modern reimagining” of the 1968 classic — which is horror code for “we couldn’t get the rights, so we made this instead.” Directed … Read More “Night of the Living Dead: Darkest Dawn (2015): When the Dead Rise, but the Animation Refuses To” »
The Horror of the High School Reunion Ah, the high school reunion — that awkward social experiment where people pretend to have outgrown their insecurities while secretly comparing paychecks, waistlines, and hairlines. It’s already a horror story waiting to happen. But Most Likely to Die takes that relatable dread and somehow manages to make it … Read More “Most Likely to Die (2015): Most Likely to Bore, Confuse, and Waste 90 Minutes of Your Life” »
When Ghosts Talk Too Much If you’ve ever watched The Sixth Sense and thought, “This would be better if it were British, drunk, and somehow dull,” then congratulations — The Messenger is your movie. Directed by David Blair, it stars Robert Sheehan, Lily Cole, and a collection of confused specters who look like they took … Read More “The Messenger (2015): Ghosts, Guilt, and a Movie That Refuses to Pass On” »
The Sequel That Isn’t, But Maybe Should’ve Been Exorcised Let’s start with the obvious: Mantra 2 is not a sequel to Mantra (2007). The filmmakers made that very clear, probably out of mercy for fans of the original. Instead, it’s a “standalone story” — which is a polite way of saying the only thing it … Read More “Mantra 2 (2015): When Ghosts Have Better Exit Strategies Than the Audience” »
The Walking Dull There’s a difference between slow burn and slow death, and Maggie confidently chooses the latter. Billed as a “post-apocalyptic horror drama,” it’s really a 95-minute funeral for tension, excitement, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career choices circa 2015. Directed by Henry Hobson, Maggie tries to answer the question no one asked: “What if we … Read More “Maggie (2015): When Zombies and Arnold Both Move in Slow Motion” »
They Should’ve Let This One Stay Dead If The Lazarus Effect teaches us anything, it’s that some things should never be brought back from the dead — and I’m not just talking about the dog. I’m talking about this movie. Directed by David Gelb (who made the excellent documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi, proving that … Read More “The Lazarus Effect (2015): Science Brings Back the Dead, and Somehow Also Kills the Script” »
When the Credits Don’t Mean It’s Over Horror movies usually end with the “final girl” limping away from the carnage, clutching a bloody weapon, sirens in the distance, and a thousand-yard stare that says, I’ll never trust a cabin again. The camera fades out, and that’s it. Roll credits. Catharsis achieved. But Last Girl Standing … Read More “Last Girl Standing (2015): Trauma, Terror, and the Post-Slasher Blues” »
Welcome to Georgia (Please Watch Your Step) There are bad days, and then there’s the kind of day when you accidentally step on a landmine because your best friend set you up as revenge for sleeping with his fiancée. Landmine Goes Click, directed by Levan Bakhia, is a twisted, nasty, and darkly funny thriller about … Read More “Landmine Goes Click (2015): A Love Triangle, a Fake Bomb, and Real Explosions of Poor Life Choices” »