If you ever wanted to know what would happen if a third-rate Indiana Jones movie got drunk, took a nap in an Egyptian sarcophagus, and woke up as a straight-to-video disaster starring Cameron Mitchell and Sybil Danning, then The Tomb(1986) is your answer. And no, that’s not a compliment. This isn’t just a bad movie. … Read More “The Tomb (1986) – Where Mummies Go to Die… of Boredom” »
If Young Lady Chatterley II were a car, it would be a powder-blue Pinto stuck in neutral, sputtering out moans and bad English accents while the radio plays lite jazz porn music on loop. This is not so much a film as it is a long, slow, Vaseline-smeared fever dream about women in corsets pretending … Read More “Young Lady Chatterley II – The Sequel Nobody Asked For, Starring the Libido of a Houseplant” »
“Imagine if someone dared you to make a werewolf movie using only Romanian tax breaks, leftover leather, and Sybil Danning’s cleavage—and then you failed.” There are bad sequels. There are insulting sequels. And then there’s The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf—a movie so bafflingly terrible, it makes the original Howling look like Citizen … Read More “The Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf – A Hairy, Hilarious Train Wreck of a Sequel” »
A sun-soaked sleaze-comedy with equal parts cheesecake, shootouts, and unintentionally hilarious dialogue – “Malibu Express” is dumb fun if you know what you’re in for. By 1985, writer-director Andy Sidaris had fully committed to his unique brand of cinema: glossy, playboy-inspired spy flicks loaded with action, nudity, and tongue-in-cheek dialogue. Malibu Express marked the real … Read More “Malibu Express (1985) – Guns, G-Strings, and Goofy Sleuthing in 80s Softcore Spyland” »
What could’ve been a fun grindhouse romp turns into a grim, poorly made slog that mistakes degradation for drama and violence for entertainment. The Jungle Warriors is one of those films that, even by exploitation standards, crosses the line from guilty pleasure into genuinely unpleasant territory. Released in 1984 and featuring an oddball cast including … Read More “The Jungle Warriors (1984) – A Sleazy, Mean-Spirited Misfire” »
Equal parts erotic thriller, slasher flick, and teen sex comedy—this Sybil Danning vehicle can’t decide what it wants to be, but it’s watchable for what it is They’re Playing with Fire is one of those movies that looks like it was pitched as Porky’s meets Fatal Attraction meets Friday the 13th, and then nobody ever … Read More “They’re Playing with Fire (1984) – A Steamy, Sloppy Thriller That’s More Sizzle Than Substance” »
A bargain bin knockoff of a knockoff, with more grunts than greatness and more muscles than meaning It takes a special kind of cinematic hubris to blend The Magnificent Seven, The Seven Samurai, and Gladiator tropes into one film and somehow wind up with none of the original appeal. Enter The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983), … Read More “The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983) – Sword-and-Sandal Schlock at Its Most Tired” »
An epic in name only, this Italian-American misfire is a baffling blend of bad dubbing, worse effects, and mythological nonsense Some films are so bad they’re good. Hercules (1983) isn’t quite one of them. Directed by Luigi Cozzi (credited as “Lewis Coates” for international audiences) and starring Lou Ferrigno as the titular demigod, this low-budget … Read More “Hercules (1983) – A Sword-and-Sandal Disaster with Muscles but No Might” »
Equal parts trashy and entertaining, this women-in-prison romp delivers the goods—but only if you’re not expecting depth In the world of early 1980s exploitation cinema, Chained Heat holds a peculiar place—too ridiculous to be taken seriously, but too committed to its sordid premise to be dismissed entirely. Directed by Paul Nicholas, the film tries to … Read More “Chained Heat (1983) – Exploitation in Chains, But Not Without Sleaze Appeal” »
A disturbing child-within drama that never quite fulfills its nasty promise Julie Darling (1982) is one of those low-profile, off-kilter psychological thrillers that seems to have wandered out of a made-for-TV movie but took a wrong turn into something darker. Directed by veteran journeyman Paul Nicholas and starring Anthony Franciosa and Sybil Danning, the film … Read More “Julie Darling (1982) – A Chilly, Offbeat Thriller with Ice in Its Veins and B-Movie Blood in Its Heart” »
