There’s something profoundly exhausting about The Conjuring 2. It’s like being trapped in a haunted house built by a perfectionist with ADHD—every door creaks, every shadow whispers, and every jump scare arrives five minutes late but still insists on applause. James Wan, the master architect of the “Boo! But Classy!” school of horror, returns with … Read More “The Conjuring 2 (2016): A Demon, a Nun, and Two Hours of Déjà Boo” »
Some movies are subtle metaphors. The Cleanse is not one of them. Bobby Miller’s 2016 dark fantasy comedy is the cinematic equivalent of going to a wellness retreat, vomiting up your inner demons, and discovering they’ve turned into literal slimy, cooing creatures that may or may not want to kill you. It’s Eat Pray Love … Read More “The Cleanse (2016): A Self-Help Seminar from Hell (and You’ll Thank It for the Trauma)” »
Ah, Carnage Park — the cinematic equivalent of getting lost in the desert with nothing but a rusty rifle, a head full of paranoia, and a disco inferno of 1970s cinematic references whispering in your ear. Written and directed by Mickey Keating, this 2016 crime-horror-thriller hybrid doesn’t so much pay homage to Sam Peckinpah and … Read More “Carnage Park (2016): Where Grindhouse Grit Meets Sunstroke Psychosis” »
If you’ve ever stared at a moldy sandwich and thought, “You know what would make this better? Making another one just like it, but with less flavor and more regret,” then congratulations — you think exactly like whoever greenlit Cabin Fever (2016). This movie isn’t just bad. It’s philosophically bad — the kind of film … Read More “Cabin Fever (2016): The Remake Nobody Asked For — or Wanted, or Needed, or Watched” »
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I wish someone remade every bad American slasher film but with less logic, more snow, and the emotional range of a frozen fish,” then congratulations — Bodom (also known as Lake Bodom) is here to answer that call. Directed by Taneli Mustonen, this Finnish horror film takes inspiration from … Read More “Bodom (2016): A Finnish Slasher So Cold, It Froze Its Own Plot” »
Every family has its secrets — some have illegitimate children, others have murder cults and psychotic breakdowns. In Stuart Sauvarin’s Blood Is Blood, the drama of a privileged family implodes into full-on gothic madness, proving once again that money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely fund a really good-looking mental breakdown. It’s part psychological … Read More “Blood Is Blood (2016): A Family That Slays Together, Stays Together” »
If you’ve ever sat through a motivational meeting where your boss says, “We’re all one big family here,” The Belko Experiment will make you laugh, wince, and maybe start drafting your resignation letter. Directed by Greg McLean and written by James Gunn (yes, the guy who later made Guardians of the Galaxy but clearly had … Read More “The Belko Experiment (2016): When Corporate Team-Building Turns Into Mass Murder Bingo” »
There are few phrases more terrifying than “horror movie about an evil app.” Yet somehow, Abel and Burlee Vang’sBedeviled manages to make that ridiculous premise work—mostly because it knows exactly what it is: a sleek, goofy morality tale about our dependence on technology, wrapped in jump scares, clown makeup, and the digital embodiment of Lucifer … Read More “Bedeviled (2016): When Siri Turns Into Satan, But With Better Customer Service” »
There are movies that celebrate Halloween — and then there’s The Barn, a film that kidnaps Halloween, douses it in fake blood, and crams it into a VHS player from 1989 while blasting hair metal. Writer-director Justin M. Seaman (a name that sounds suspiciously like it belongs on a vintage horror tape) doesn’t just make … Read More “The Barn (2016): Trick-or-Treat, Meet the Meat Grinder” »
If you ever wondered what would happen if a high school art project, a bong, and a VHS copy of One Million Years B.C. had a love child and left it to be raised by Lloyd Kaufman — well, congratulations, you’ve just described B.C. Butcher, a movie so proudly incompetent it should come with a … Read More “B.C. Butcher (2016): A Neanderthal Nonsense Party — Another Troma Trash Fire from Planet Kaufman” »