The Plot: Dogs Just Wanna Kill, That’s All
Ah, Dogs, the 1977 film where man’s best friend turns into man’s worst nightmare. Directed by Burt Brinckerhoff, this movie takes the age-old myth of “dogs are loyal” and gives it the middle finger. The plot is essentially Jaws with fur and four legs: a small town gets terrorized by a pack of bloodthirsty, government-irradiated dogs who apparently got bored of chasing sticks and decided, “Hey, let’s murder some people.” And you thought your dog’s incessant barking was a nuisance.
Harlan Thompson (David McCallum) is a biologist at Southwestern University, which seems to be a haven for doggy destruction and bad science. He teams up with his buddy Michael (George Wyner) after a string of suspicious animal-related deaths. Together, they play detective and deduce that pheromones might be causing the dogs to form packs and go on killing sprees. Their groundbreaking theory? Dogs are too busy sniffing each other’s butts to realize they’re committing murder. Classic science.
But when the town’s innocent citizens (mainly nursing students and random professors) become dog food, it’s time for Harlan and Michael to scramble like Scooby-Doo and Shaggy, except with less brains and more bullets. In the end, it’s not the dogs that are the real menace—it’s the film’s ability to suck the life out of you like a vampire at a blood bank.
The Characters: So Dumb, They Should Be Put Down
As for the characters, it’s like Bark to the Future but with less time travel and more really bad decisions. Harlan is that professor who wants to “fight the system,” but he’s so focused on his pheromone theory that he forgets to save his students, which—spoiler alert—ends badly for everyone. Michael, the guy with the less-than-adequate gun knowledge, is clearly the guy you don’t want on your survival team, especially when he has to face an actual attack from a bunch of dogs. The worst part? He keeps failing upwards like an academic disaster.
And then there’s the woman, Caroline (Sandra McCabe), who’s just chilling with her dog, as if she wasn’t already in the middle of a horror film where everyone else is about to be ripped apart by homicidal canines. There’s a moment where she, and I kid you not, forgets the keys to her house while trying to escape a pack of rabid dogs. You know, because that’s totally something you’d do in the middle of a dog apocalypse. Great planning, lady.
The Dogs: Furiously Mediocre
Let’s talk about the dogs, shall we? They’re terrifying. They’re deadly. They’re… mostly unimpressive. The film tries its hardest to make you scared of these furry death machines, but they seem more confused than anything else. The idea is that these dogs, somehow influenced by mysterious pheromones or the dumbest possible scientific explanation involving a government experiment, become a terrifying killing force. What does it say about the quality of a horror movie when you’re more scared of the bad science than the actual threat?
There’s a lot of chase sequences, but let’s be honest: you’ve seen scarier moments in your neighbor’s backyard when their Golden Retriever gets a little too excited about fetch. The only truly terrifying thing about the dogs is how they somehow manage to be everywhere at once—like, how did they travel across town so fast? Are these dogs secretly telepathic? That would actually make the movie better. But alas, it’s just bad editing.
Final Thoughts: A Doggone Disaster
In the end, Dogs is a film that feels like it’s trying to be the Jaws of the animal world but ends up being more like the Scooby-Doo of the horror genre—minus the charm and actual mystery-solving. It’s a film that will make you question every time a dog barks in the distance, but more likely, it will just make you realize how terrible it is to spend 92 minutes watching a bunch of poorly trained dogs chase people around a small town. The horror isn’t in the plot, the characters, or the dogs—it’s in how long this film feels.
So, unless you enjoy watching bad science mixed with killer dogs and characters who can’t seem to remember their own keys, Dogs isn’t a must-see. But if you’re into movies where the real terror is not knowing how the hell this film was made, then by all means, give it a go. Just don’t expect to sleep soundly tonight…unless, of course, you’re a dog, in which case—enjoy your naps while the humans panic.
