Sometimes, a movie is so bad that it’s just plain offensive to the eyes and ears. Drive-In Massacre is that movie. It’s an absolute dumpster fire of slasher nonsense that thinks it’s clever, but in reality, it’s as pointless as a screen door on a submarine. Directed by Stu Segall, this film tries to serve up thrills, chills, and an occasional laugh, but what it ends up delivering is the cinematic equivalent of stale popcorn—bland, unappetizing, and completely unmemorable.
The plot is as convoluted as it is ridiculous. A couple goes to a drive-in theater to, I don’t know, enjoy a nice evening and end up getting slaughtered by an unseen assailant with a sword. Then, in classic slasher fashion, the detectives are sent to investigate, but the real mystery is why anyone involved in this movie bothered to show up. The killer stalks the town, murdering lovers in cars, and it’s up to two detectives—Mike Leary and John Koch—to figure out what’s going on. The twist? It’s somehow less surprising than the end of a Scooby-Doo episode, and just as dumb.
The Characters: So Dumb, You Almost Feel Sorry For Them
Let’s start with the detectives, Mike Leary and John Koch, played by John F. Goff and Bruce Kimball. If you were to place them in a room full of detectives, they’d be the guys who’d end up locked in the closet by the actual smart ones. They do their best to investigate this murder spree, but all they seem to do is wander around asking stupid questions and getting in the way. Mike Leary, the supposed lead detective, has all the charisma of a wet sock, while Koch offers about as much personality as the average traffic cone. If you were to take the “detective” part of the equation out, you’d still have two guys wandering around aimlessly with no redeeming qualities.
The rest of the cast doesn’t fare much better. You’ve got the creepy drive-in manager Austin Johnson (Robert E. Pearson), who, in between awkwardly antagonizing the detectives, is just a generic asshole in a cheap polyester suit. And then there’s the “mysterious” Germy (Douglas Gudbye), who serves as the film’s “oddball” character but somehow manages to be even more annoying than the main characters. He’s the kind of guy who wouldn’t survive 10 minutes in an actual horror film because he’s too busy being a nuisance to everyone around him. The only thing Germy has going for him is that, for some strange reason, he’s in the middle of all this madness, just waiting for something exciting to happen. Too bad the audience has to suffer through him too.
The Killer: Who’s the Real Villain Here?
As for the killer? Well, if you’re hoping for some deep, mysterious backstory that explains their motives, you’re out of luck. Instead, the movie gives us an unseen assailant with a sword (because what’s scarier than a sword, right?). The killer seems to pick off victims at random, which is fine for the first few kills, but by the time the movie reaches its final act, you’ll be asking yourself, “Who’s really the monster here?” The killer’s identity is revealed with all the tension and subtlety of a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. It’s the kind of twist that you see coming from a mile away, and when it lands, you’ll just roll your eyes and wonder why you even bothered with this movie.
The Ending: A Joke So Bad It’s Almost Self-Aware
The ending is where Drive-In Massacre takes a nosedive into complete absurdity. The film wraps up with a text overlay announcing that similar killings are happening at drive-ins nationwide, and then a fake public announcement assures the audience that police are on the way. Seriously. It’s like the filmmakers knew they had made something so stupid that they couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a real ending. The characters you barely cared about are suddenly gone, and you’re left with nothing but the faint smell of desperation hanging in the air. And, if you’re wondering what’s worse than this lazy conclusion, it’s the fact that you’ve now watched an entire movie that led to it.
A Horror Film That’s More Painful Than a Flat Tire on a Hot Day
Drive-In Massacre is not a film that’s “so bad it’s good.” It’s just plain bad. It’s a mess of bad acting, a bad plot, and a killer who couldn’t scare a stuffed animal. The pacing is sluggish, the tension non-existent, and the violence is so cartoonish it’s hard to even take it seriously. The movie is an exercise in wasted potential, a half-baked slasher film that tries to coast on the “so bad it’s fun” appeal but fails miserably. If you’re looking for slasher thrills, you’d be better off watching a late-night horror marathon on cable where you can flip the channel every 15 minutes and still get more enjoyment.
And yet, as much as it fails at being a horror movie, it does have one redeeming quality—John Candy. Yes, he’s in it, and while he’s no comedy legend here, his presence in the film adds a faint bit of charm to an otherwise unwatchable disaster. Sadly, the movie doesn’t know what to do with him, and the absurdity of Drive-In Massacre is that it wasted an actor who would go on to become one of the funniest men in Hollywood on this barely passable slice of horror trash.
Final Verdict: Save Your Time, Skip the Clownery
If you’re a fan of campy B-movie slasher flicks, then maybe, just maybe you’ll find some dark humor in the trainwreck that is Drive-In Massacre. But for anyone else, this is a movie that should be left in the past, collecting dust next to VHS tapes you forgot about long ago. Watch it if you want to see just how bad a horror film can be without even trying. The clumsy direction, the terrible script, and the absurdly forgettable characters make it a prime candidate for a “Why did I waste 90 minutes of my life?” award. But hey, at least you can say you’ve seen a piece of horror history—just not the kind of history you’ll want to remember.
