There are two types of people in this world: those who find clowns funny, and those who find clowns terrifying. And then there’s Fear of Clowns (2004)—a movie so inept, it makes you afraid not of clowns, but of ever trusting a DVD bargain bin again. Written and directed by Kevin Kangas, this low-budget carnival sideshow promises thrills and chills, but mostly delivers yawns, eye rolls, and the creeping suspicion that maybe the director lost a bet.
The Plot: Divorce Court Meets Party City
The story follows Lynn Blodgett, a struggling artist with coulrophobia—fear of clowns. Her life is a swirling mix of failed marriage, custody battles, and nightmares about a decomposing-faced circus reject. Honestly, the court proceedings with her awful husband, Bert Tokyo, are scarier than the supposed killer clown. Watching him argue for custody of their son and half her art profits makes you think: “Wow, I’d root for the clown if he just chainsawed this guy’s lawyer.”
Enter Shivers, a shirtless, axe-wielding clown who stalks Lynn like a sweaty middle-aged man lingering in a Spencer’s Gifts. The problem? He’s not scary. He looks less like a supernatural terror and more like someone who got kicked out of a Slipknot cover band for being too whiny.
Meanwhile, Lynn meets Tucker Reid, a roller coaster tycoon (yes, really), who buys her painting for $8,000 and basically becomes her rebound plot device. He’s rich, charming, and yet somehow dumb enough to walk around with Lynn while a clown in black eye makeup lurks five feet behind them. If money can’t buy brains, at least it buys screen time.
The Villain: Honk If You’re Pathetic
Shivers the clown is supposed to be the terrifying centerpiece of the film. Instead, he looks like he wandered in from a rejected Insane Clown Posse music video. His motivation? Voices in his head tell him to terrorize Lynn to “cure” his schizophrenia. Because, of course, nothing says mental health treatment like stalking your former psychiatrist’s ex-wife with a battle axe. Take that, Freud.
The film tries to humanize Shivers by revealing his backstory—he’s Doug Richardson, a sex offender with an eye disease, once treated by Bert. This twist is less chilling revelation and more daytime soap melodrama. By the time we learn this, you don’t fear him. You pity him. Then you get annoyed at him. Then you hope another clown comes along and does the job better.
The Kills: More Slapstick Than Splatter
Horror fans live for the kills. Sadly, Fear of Clowns delivers death scenes with all the creativity of a mime trapped in an invisible box.
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A security guard is distracted by a fake party clown, only to be decapitated. Mildly entertaining, but you’ll mostly wonder how many clowns Lynn’s neighborhood ordered that night.
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Lynn’s friend Amanda? Dead. Babysitter? Dead. Random theatre employees? Dead. All of them dispatched with the same dull repetition. Shivers doesn’t so much kill as he does clock in for his shift, punch the gore-card, and go home.
It’s like watching a slasher on autopilot, where the killer doesn’t even enjoy his job anymore. He’s just hacking people because the script says so.
The Subplots: Divorce, Drugs, and Dullness
There are at least three movies fighting for attention here:
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A bitter divorce drama, with Bert Tokyo hiring a hitman (named Heston, because apparently everyone in this movie has names from a rejected soap opera).
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A crime thriller, with Bert trying to profit off Lynn’s death like some discount insurance scam.
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A clown-slasher horror, which is supposed to be the main dish, but instead feels like undercooked leftovers.
The result is narrative whiplash. One moment you’re watching a tense custody battle, the next you’re watching Shivers kill a babysitter, and then suddenly there’s a mugging subplot with a roller coaster tycoon. It’s less Fear of Clowns and more Fear of Cohesive Storytelling.
The Performances: Mime School Dropouts
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Jacqueline Reres (Lynn): She screams, she faints, she paints clowns. That’s about it. Her range is somewhere between “mildly alarmed” and “screaming at an insect.”
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Mark Lassise (Shivers/Doug): He’s supposed to be terrifying, but looks like someone’s drunk uncle at Halloween who refuses to leave the party. His performance has all the menace of a guy waiting in line at the DMV.
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Carl Randolph (Bert Tokyo): The abusive husband. He’s slimy, conniving, and spends half the movie trying to off his wife. Honestly, he’s the most believable villain here.
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Rick Ganz (Tucker Reid): The roller coaster tycoon/love interest. His main job is to show up, flirt, and occasionally act like a human flashlight.
Even Detective Peters, who is supposed to be the voice of reason, looks like he’d rather be auditioning for Law & Order: Clown Victims Unit.
The Pacing: Like Watching Paint Dry (Clown Paint, Specifically)
At nearly two hours, the movie drags harder than a clown car trying to make it up a hill. Scenes linger long after the tension has evaporated. Conversations feel improvised by people who just learned English five minutes ago. Entire chunks of the runtime could’ve been cut and nobody would’ve noticed, except the clown, who still wouldn’t care.
Even the climax at the theatre, where Shivers kidnaps Lynn’s son and massacres a couple employees, feels sluggish. You’re supposed to be on the edge of your seat, but by then you’re already reclining, checking your watch, and wondering if coulrophobia is contagious.
The Sequel Nobody Asked For
Somehow, Fear of Clowns got a sequel in 2007. Because when your first attempt at scary clown horror ends up looking like a community college project, the logical step is… to do it again. Maybe they thought they could fix it the second time. Spoiler: they didn’t.
Final Verdict: Send in the Clowns (But Not These Ones)
Fear of Clowns should’ve been a slam dunk. Clowns are already terrifying to half the population. All you need is a half-decent script, a few creative kills, and a villain who doesn’t look like he moonlights at kid’s birthday parties for gas money. Instead, we got a muddled, overlong mess that wastes its premise on soap opera drama and low-energy horror.
