Sometimes a movie comes along that defies the laws of cinema, taste, and logic — and by “defies,” I mean body-slams them through a table made of frosting and witch guts. Hansel vs. Gretel (stylized, because of course it is, as Hansel V Gretel) is one of those rare, delicious catastrophes that loops back around to being fun. It’s messy, it’s absurd, it’s unapologetically cheap — and yet it delivers exactly what you came for: bad siblings, worse witches, and enough pastry-based carnage to make Gordon Ramsay faint.
Produced by the mad geniuses at The Asylum (a.k.a. “What if SyFy Originals had less shame?”), this 2015 sequel to their 2013 Hansel & Gretel is everything you’d expect and nothing you’d predict. It’s an action-horror-fantasy-bloodbath with a family-sized serving of camp, a sprinkle of dark humor, and a full gallon of “what the hell did I just watch?”
And reader, it’s kind of glorious.
The Story: “Family Drama, but Make It Witchy”
The movie opens in Candlewood, where Gretel — now the owner of Lilith’s old pie shop — is definitely not serving gluten-free customers. The film wastes no time showing us that something wicked is baking, as a poor local named Mason pops in for a late-night snack and gets turned into a human cruller.
Meanwhile, her estranged brother Hansel, now a hardened witch hunter, is busy slicing up a witch named Bunny (and yes, that’s her actual name, because subtlety died a long time ago). When he learns that his old buddy Mason has gone missing, Hansel returns home, armed with a shotgun, smoldering moral ambiguity, and the jawline of a man who’s fought way too many CGI monsters.
Soon he discovers that Gretel isn’t just running the bakery — she’s inherited the powers of Lilith, the witch they killed in the last movie. She’s also got a new problem: a coven of witches (Circe, Kikimora, Morai, and their boss, Cthonia) who want to take back the bakery and avenge their fallen sister.
What follows is a blood-soaked, pie-filled Shakespearean sibling rivalry featuring hypnotism, cannibalism, energy blasts, fog powers, gay immunity to witch seduction, and one really traumatized grandma. It’s like Charmed, Kill Bill, and a Food Network Halloween special got trapped in a blender — and no one thought to put the lid on.
Hansel: From Brother to Badass
Brent Lydic returns as Hansel, our angsty witch-hunting hero who seems allergic to shirts with sleeves. He’s the sort of character who broods even when there’s no one watching, as if he knows he’s in a low-budget action flick and is determined to make it feel epic anyway.
Hansel’s approach to witch hunting is simple: if it moves, stab it; if it’s dead, stab it again just to make sure. He’s basically the supernatural version of a pest control guy with emotional baggage. His chemistry with his sister is weirdly electric — half caring sibling, half “if you weren’t related, this would be a very different movie.”
Gretel: Sugar, Spice, and Cannibal Vice
Lili Baross steps into the role of Gretel, and she’s having fun with it. Her Gretel isn’t some tragic, misunderstood antihero — she’s a full-blown pastry-wielding queen of chaos. She eats witches to absorb their powers (because apparently that’s how magic works now), seduces men to get what she wants, and kills anyone who annoys her — including her grandma, who probably just wanted to watch Eat Bulaga! in peace.
The fact that Gretel’s arc involves literally eating her enemies like some kind of magical Hannibal Lecter only makes her more entertaining. You get the sense that Baross knows exactly how ridiculous this all is — and instead of fighting it, she cranks it up to 11.
She’s the darkly funny, slightly unhinged energy that keeps the movie from collapsing under its own witchcraft-flavored nonsense.
The Witches: Discount Avengers of Darkness
The coven of witches Gretel battles looks like a Hot Topic reunion tour. Each one has a gimmick: one can hypnotize, one can control fog, one fires energy blasts, and one — the high priestess Cthonia — mostly just monologues in lace robes like a demented art teacher.
They all seem to share the same magical power: dying spectacularly. Gretel slurps down each witch like she’s collecting Infinity Stones, and by the time she’s done, she’s basically the Thanos of pastries.
There’s also a twist involving Willy, Hansel’s ex-girlfriend, who turns out to be a powerful ancient crone disguised as a millennial. She literally reveals herself at the end by disintegrating Lilith like expired fairy dust. It’s ridiculous, it’s over-the-top, and it’s absolutely the kind of nonsense you came here for.
The Tone: Grimdark Meets Gingerbread
There’s something charmingly reckless about Hansel vs. Gretel’s tone. It takes itself just seriously enough to work as a straight-faced B-movie, but it’s self-aware enough to lean into its absurdity.
The cinematography alternates between gritty, low-lit alleyways and candy-colored witch covens, as if someone shot The Witcher through a pack of Skittles. Every fight scene is underscored by a soundtrack that sounds like it was lifted from a 2008 vampire nightclub, and the dialogue swings between melodrama (“You’ve changed, Gretel — you’ve become the monster you swore to destroy!”) and campy gold (“You can’t spell witch without bitch!”).
You’ll roll your eyes one minute and cheer the next — and somehow, both reactions feel right.
The Highlights: Blood, Pies, and Bad Decisions
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The Fog Battle: Gretel uses another witch’s fog powers to save Hansel by blinding him. It’s the rare case where getting maced with magical weather counts as sibling affection.
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The Grandma Decapitation Scene: Gretel straight-up tears off her grandma’s head in front of the police. It’s shocking, yes — but mostly because it’s played with the emotional gravity of someone throwing out expired milk.
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Jacob’s Gay Superpower: Gretel tries to hypnotize Jacob into sleeping with her, but it doesn’t work because, well, he’s gay. It’s the most unexpected “representation moment” in Asylum history — and it saves his life for about five minutes before she murders him anyway.
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The Pet Cemetery Showdown: The finale involves resurrecting the first movie’s villain, multiple betrayals, and Hansel solving all of it the way he solves everything: with bullets and sibling guilt.
Why It Works (Against All Odds)
What makes Hansel vs. Gretel surprisingly enjoyable is that it knows what it is — a gleefully trashy supernatural slugfest where witchcraft meets WWE logic. There’s no pretension here, no fake gravitas, no attempts to be art. It’s pure pulpy chaos, delivered with a straight face and a sense of humor sharper than Hansel’s machete.
It’s a rare kind of bad-good movie: it never drags, it never bores, and every few minutes, something new explodes, dies, or gets eaten. You can’t call it smart, but you can’t say it’s lazy either — it’s too committed to its own absurd mythology.
And underneath all the gore and camp, there’s a weirdly touching thread about sibling love — the idea that even when your sister becomes a demonic bakery witch who eats people, you still don’t want to see her die. That’s family, baby.
Final Thoughts: Witch, Please
Hansel vs. Gretel isn’t good. But it’s great at being bad. It’s the kind of film you throw on at 2 a.m. with a group of friends and a bottle of something strong, just to see who’s still awake by the time Grandma loses her head.
It’s cheap, chaotic, and occasionally inspired — a cinematic guilty pleasure that deserves a cult following. And let’s be honest, in a world full of sanitized fairytale reboots, it’s nice to see one that embraces blood, guts, and gingerbread insanity.
Final Score: 8/10
A blood-soaked sibling rivalry frosted with witchcraft and nonsense. It’s the cinematic equivalent of eating a cursed cupcake — you know it’s bad for you, but damn, it’s fun while it lasts.