There are movies that crawl under your skin, and then there’s Lavalantula — a film that crawls up your leg, breathes fire on your dignity, and lays its eggs in your frontal lobe. Released on SyFy in 2015, Lavalantula is a cinematic hybrid of “bad CGI,” “midlife crisis,” and “Steve Guttenberg really needed the work.”
Directed by Mike Mendez (who also directed Big Ass Spider!, proving lightning can indeed strike twice, just not where you want it to), Lavalantula tells the story of Los Angeles under siege by giant, lava-breathing tarantulas. Because clearly, Sharknado didn’t take the hint that maybe we should stop weaponizing nature and basic cable.
The Plot: Hot Garbage, Literally
The film opens with Colton West (Steve Guttenberg), a washed-up action star whose career is as dead as the tarantulas’ prey. He’s in the middle of an on-set meltdown when a volcano erupts in Los Angeles — which, frankly, feels like the city’s collective response to this movie existing.
From that point on, Lavalantula delivers a script that sounds like it was written by ChatGPT’s drunk uncle. Fire-spitting spiders emerge from the Santa Monica Mountains and start torching everything in sight, because science. Colton races home to rescue his family, armed with nothing but a shotgun, a bus he stole from tourists, and the undying belief that he’s still relevant.
Meanwhile, his teenage son and friends decide to investigate explosions — because in horror movies, curiosity is a death sentence — and promptly get devoured or set on fire by flaming arachnids.
The rest of the movie is Colton trying to reunite with his family, save Los Angeles, and restore his reputation. It’s less “hero’s journey” and more “middle-aged man having a breakdown in front of green screen fire.”
The Science: Sponsored by Google Translate
Let’s talk about the science for a moment — or rather, the total absence of it. The film’s “scientist,” Dr. Eric Von Struble, explains that these tarantulas were buried in magma for millions of years and somehow survived. Not only that, they’re causing the volcanic eruptions by existing.
That’s right: these creatures are basically fireproof spiders that also breathe lava. So they were frozen in magma, but now the magma makes them stronger. Somewhere, a high school physics teacher just fainted.
Even Sharknado had a better grasp of logic, and that movie thought tornados could develop appetites.
The Cast: Arachnophobia Meets Career Desperation
Steve Guttenberg, bless him, plays Colton like a man who just realized he’s been replaced by Chris Pratt in every conceivable franchise. He spends the movie alternating between heroic squints and panicked dad energy, which, to be fair, is the most relatable part of the film.
Nia Peeples plays his wife, Olivia, who mostly exists to shoot one spider and then disappear into a subplot that involves the army getting flambéed. She does fine, considering she’s acting opposite pixels.
Patrick Renna (yes, the “You’re killing me, Smalls!” kid from The Sandlot) shows up as a tourist because the movie needed someone to be even more confused than the audience.
Michael Winslow from Police Academy reprises his trademark sound effects, which, unfortunately, are the most convincing special effects in the entire film.
And because SyFy loves its Easter eggs, Ian Ziering pops in as Fin Shepard from Sharknado, effectively merging the two universes into one apocalyptic fever dream. Somewhere, God weeps.
The Spiders: Eight Legs of Pixelated Pain
Let’s talk about the real stars — the Lavalantulas themselves. These eight-legged, magma-spewing monstrosities are supposed to be terrifying, but they look like rejected PlayStation 2 bosses. Every time one appears, the CGI melts faster than the asphalt beneath it.
They hiss, they shoot flames, and occasionally they explode for reasons never explained. One minute they’re indestructible; the next, a light breeze or an awkward one-liner can kill them. They’re less creatures of horror and more metaphorical embodiments of SyFy’s budget.
The Queen Spider, revealed late in the film, looks like a flaming Cheeto with fangs. She’s supposedly the key to the entire invasion, but she mostly just sits around waiting for Steve Guttenberg to fly into her mouth — which, come to think of it, might be the best metaphor for his post-’80s career.
The Dialogue: Written by a Flamethrower
Here’s an actual sampling of the dialogue:
“Those things aren’t spiders… they’re from hell!”
“We’ve got a lava problem!”
“Some people are just born to be heroes.”
Every line feels like it was written by a 12-year-old who just watched Tremors and thought, “I could do that, but stupider.” The script relies entirely on exposition, shouted panic, and jokes so bad they could be classified as environmental hazards.
When you have to rely on Michael Winslow making pew-pew noises to create atmosphere, you know you’re in trouble.
The Action: A Fire Drill with Extra Legs
The action sequences are chaotic in that special SyFy way — meaning they were filmed, edited, and composited during someone’s lunch break. The explosions are plentiful but nonsensical, the fire effects look like they were downloaded from a free stock website, and the camera shakes like it’s trying to escape the movie.
The highlight — if you can call it that — comes when Colton straps on a jet pack from a movie set and flies directly into the Queen Spider’s mouth, dropping a liquid nitrogen bomb. The sequence is meant to be epic. Instead, it plays like Iron Man 4: The Divorce Years.
The Humor: So Bad It’s… Still Bad
Unlike Sharknado, which leaned fully into its absurdity, Lavalantula can’t decide whether it wants to be a parody or a legitimate action movie. The tone swings wildly between self-aware camp and earnest drama, creating a mood best described as “midlife crisis in 4K.”
The film tries to be funny, but most of the jokes land with the grace of a burning spider on a windshield. Guttenberg delivers every quip like he’s reading off a teleprompter that’s on fire.
The only thing truly funny here is that someone thought, “What if volcano spiders, but with pathos?”
SyFy’s Shared Universe of Shame
By the time Ian Ziering shows up for his Sharknado cameo, it’s clear SyFy was trying to build its own cinematic universe — the SyFy Extended Travesty Universe, if you will. This crossover makes less sense than Marvel Phase 4 on Ambien.
Apparently, Fin Shepard is now friends with Colton West, which implies that in this world, sharks, lava, and spiders all coexist. Somewhere out there, a screenwriter is planning Sharklantula vs. Volcanopup, and honestly, we probably deserve it.
The Ending: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dumb
After dropping the bomb into the Queen Spider’s gaping maw, Colton saves Los Angeles — or at least what’s left of the green screen version of it. He reunites with his family, delivers a triumphant one-liner, and walks off into a sunset that looks suspiciously like a screensaver.
The credits roll, and you’re left wondering what the real moral was. Don’t play with fire? Don’t let Steve Guttenberg near a flamethrower? Don’t trust SyFy’s marketing team?
Maybe it’s all of the above.
Final Verdict: Burn It With Fire (Oh Wait, It Likes That)
Lavalantula is a movie that’s bad on purpose — but that doesn’t make it good. It’s a self-aware disaster that mistakes irony for wit and CGI for substance. Watching it feels like eating a flaming tarantula: messy, pointless, and vaguely crunchy.
Still, it’s a perfect companion piece to Sharknado — proof that there’s no limit to human stupidity when it’s given a green light and a fire-breathing spider budget.
Rating: 1.5 legs out of 8.
If hell exists, it probably looks a lot like Los Angeles — and Lavalantula is playing on every channel.
