Primitive Concepts, Half-Baked Execution
Some movies fall through the cracks of cinema history because they were ahead of their time. Others vanish because they never should have existed in the first place. Mistress of the Apes belongs firmly in the latter category. Directed by Larry Buchanan—who never met a low-budget concept he couldn’t botch—this 1979 stinker is a confused, awkward, and unintentionally hilarious misfire that flails around in search of a genre. Is it science fiction? Exploitation? Jungle adventure? Feminist statement? Softcore skin flick? Who knows? Certainly not the film itself.
The premise is bonkers even by late-70s drive-in standards: Susan, a woman grieving the loss of her husband and unborn child, gets wrapped up in an expedition to Africa, where she stumbles upon a tribe of humanoid apes and is quickly revered as their queen. Yes, that’s the actual plot. It’s Tarzan by way of Planet of the Apes, but with all the budget of a public access TV reenactment and the tone of an accidental satire.
Jenny Neumann: The One Shining Light
Now, if there’s a reason anyone still bothers to whisper this film’s name in cult circles, it’s Jenny Neumann. She plays Susan with a sort of dazed sincerity, like she’s doing her best despite knowing she’s neck-deep in cinematic quicksand. Neumann was young, gorgeous, and captivating—possessing a raw, untapped magnetism that could’ve served her well in a better film. She spends a lot of the runtime scantily clad or nude, which, let’s be honest, is the main reason Mistress of the Apes still gets watched at all.
There’s an earthy sensuality to her presence, something ethereal that cuts through the murky direction and laughable ape costumes. Whether frolicking through vines or giving a blank stare of wonder at a man in a gorilla suit, Neumann somehow manages to remain arresting. She’s the only element in the film that suggests there was a glimmer of potential buried somewhere in this mess.
Cheap Costumes, Cheaper Themes
The apes—if we can call them that—are essentially bodybuilders in Halloween store masks. Their movements range from awkwardly slow to unintentionally erotic. The makeup is bargain bin, the dialogue is wince-worthy, and the “science” behind their existence would insult a sixth grader’s intelligence. Scenes drag on forever with the pacing of molasses on a cold day, and the score sounds like it was ripped from a broken synthesizer left behind at a porn studio.
Then there’s the tone, which can’t decide if it’s trying to be progressive or just prurient. The movie touches on themes like grief, motherhood, and primal instinct, but every time it tries to say something meaningful, it follows up with a slow-motion topless scene or a clunky monologue delivered with all the passion of someone reading a shampoo bottle. It’s exploitation pretending to be deep, and failing at both.
Cult Status… Barely Earned
Despite its glaring flaws (and there are many), Mistress of the Apes has earned a sliver of cult infamy. Not because it’s misunderstood or secretly brilliant—it’s not—but because it’s so bafflingly bad that it ends up being strangely hypnotic. The absurdity of the plot, the bizarre ape-human dynamics, the random nudity, and the sheer sincerity with which it all unfolds make it a fascinating train wreck.
You get the sense that Larry Buchanan really believed in what he was doing. That kind of misguided passion is weirdly admirable, even if the end product is a cinematic fever dream that feels like it was written by someone tripping on NyQuil and Freud.
Final Verdict
Mistress of the Apes is not a good movie. It’s not even a “so bad it’s good” kind of movie. It’s one of those rare films that makes you question how it ever got made—let alone released. But amid all the nonsense, Jenny Neumann stands out like a candle in a cave. She’s magnetic, vulnerable, and effortlessly sexy—everything the movie wants to be but isn’t.
Watch it if you must, but keep your expectations buried deeper than the plot’s logic. And when it gets too weird, just focus on Jenny. She’s the only thing keeping this jungle trek from being a complete cinematic extinction event.
