There’s a coal mine. There’s a heart-shaped box. There’s a psycho in a gas mask with a pickaxe. And yes, there’s a party that goes about as well as a game of Twister on broken glass. Welcome to My Bloody Valentine, the 1981 Canadian slasher that wants to be gritty, romantic, and bloody all at once — and ends up like a lukewarm Molson spilled on your work boots.
For some, this is a cult classic. For others, it’s a half-baked slasher that rode the coattails of Halloween and Friday the 13th like a drunk third cousin trying to crash the family reunion. The truth, like the chocolate-covered heart stuffed with a human organ, lies somewhere in between.
The Setup: Small Town, Big Trauma
The fictional mining town of Valentine Bluffs is the kind of place where nothing happens unless it involves coal dust or someone losing a finger. Twenty years ago, a couple of supervisors skipped out on their duties to attend a Valentine’s Day dance — because of course they did — and a mine explosion buried a bunch of guys alive. One survived: Harry Warden. He came back a year later, murdered the responsible parties, and supposedly disappeared.
Naturally, the town decides to throw another Valentine’s Day dance. Because people in horror movies are either suicidal or have the memory of a goldfish. And right on cue, a new string of murders begins — hearts get carved out, bodies pile up, and everyone walks around pretending this isn’t exactly what they should’ve expected.
The Killer: Darth Vader With PTSD
The slasher here wears full mining gear, including a gas mask and a jumpsuit, which makes him look like a cross between a steampunk firefighter and a guy who’s really into diesel kink. He’s not particularly stealthy — the breathing alone sounds like a coffee maker dying — but he’s efficient. Pickaxes to the face. Hearts in candy boxes. Boiled bodies in industrial kitchens. It’s like OSHA’s worst nightmare with a romantic twist.
And yes, this is where the film earns its place in slasher history: the kills. At least, what’s left of them.
The Real Villain: The MPAA
If My Bloody Valentine feels like it keeps cutting away right when things get interesting, blame the censors. The MPAA took one look at this thing and went full parental advisory. Nearly every kill was chopped, snipped, or blurred into irrelevance. The original cut was apparently a gore-soaked love letter to practical effects, but most audiences never got to see it. What we were left with in the theatrical release was murder interruptus.
Years later, an uncut version was finally released, and the difference is like adding whiskey to your coffee: it suddenly wakes you up. The restored gore is charmingly grotesque, with bodies hung on meat hooks and bloody hearts thumping away in boxes like a twisted Valentine’s Day prank.
Still, even with the extra carnage, it’s clear the film isn’t sure if it wants to be scary or sweet. It settles for “mildly unsettling with awkward flirting.”
The Cast: Future Tim Horton’s Managers
The cast is a ragtag crew of Canadian actors who look like they’ve never been within ten miles of a gym or an acting class. Paul Kelman plays T.J., the prodigal son who’s returned to town with a bad haircut and unresolved issues. Lori Hallier plays Sarah, the girl caught between two denim-clad lumberboys. And Neil Affleck — no, not Ben’s cousin — plays Axel, T.J.’s romantic rival and possible homicidal maniac.
These are blue-collar kids with blue-collar problems: who’s dating who, who’s drinking what, and who’s going to get gutted next. The performances range from “not terrible” to “high school theater with beer breath.” But they have charm, in a “these people probably worked a double shift at the mill before filming” kind of way.
The Romance: Love in the Time of Industrial Death
You’d think with a title like My Bloody Valentine, we’d get some twisted Shakespearean love triangle. What we get instead is a very Canadian love tiff, where the worst insult is someone not showing up to a party. T.J. and Axel both want Sarah, but neither of them seem particularly likable or competent, so it’s hard to root for anyone. The big emotional beats land with the grace of a drunk guy falling down a mineshaft.
But at least everyone’s trying. You can feel the effort — the film wants to be more than just a body count movie. It wants to tell a story. Unfortunately, it tells it like a guy at a bar halfway through his fifth Labatt.
The Atmosphere: Claustrophobia and Cardboard Hearts
Here’s where the movie actually shines: the mine setting. The finale takes place in actual mine tunnels, not studio sets, and it shows. The confined spaces, low lighting, and real dust make for a genuinely creepy third act. You feel the grit. You feel the danger. And when the killer starts playing hide-and-seek with a pickaxe, you actually feel the tension.
The Valentine’s Day decorations — hearts, streamers, chocolate boxes — add a surreal, almost comedic touch to the carnage. It’s like Hallmark Presents: Massacre in Sector 7.
The Twist: Eh, Close Enough
Without spoiling it for the uninitiated, the film does try for a twist ending, and to its credit, it sort of works. You probably saw it coming, but at least they commit to it. And the final scene — involving a severed arm, maniacal laughter, and cryptic warnings — is the kind of B-movie weirdness that leaves you scratching your head while reaching for another slice of cold pizza.
Final Verdict: Bloody, But Not Quite a Valentine
My Bloody Valentine isn’t good, but it’s not entirely bad either. It’s a competent, sometimes inspired entry in the early ‘80s slasher boom. It doesn’t have the precision of Halloween, the gleeful depravity of Friday the 13th, or the dream logic of A Nightmare on Elm Street. But it has a sweaty charm, some truly fun kills (once restored), and an honest-to-God atmosphere that works.
It’s a working man’s slasher. No frills. No finesse. Just beer, blood, and bad decisions.
Final Score: 3 bloody hearts out of 5.
One for the kills, one for the mine setting, and one for the guts to try and make a slasher with feelings. It doesn’t always work — but hell, at least it showed up with a box of candy and a pickaxe. That’s more than most.