The Third Time’s Not the Charm By the time Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! rolled onto SyFy screens in 2015, humanity had already endured two previous shark-filled weather catastrophes, and somehow, we didn’t learn our lesson. The subtitle “Oh Hell No!” might sound like a tongue-in-cheek warning, but it’s actually a survival tip. Directed by … Read More ““Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!” — A Disaster Movie About Disaster Movies” »
The Sharkpocalypse Nobody Ordered Let’s get this out of the way: Roboshark is exactly what you think it is — a film about an alien probe that lands in the ocean, gets eaten by a great white shark, and turns said shark into a murderous cyborg. What you don’t expect is that this cinematic tragedy … Read More ““Roboshark” (2015): When B-Movies Jump the Shark, Then Give It Wi-Fi” »
Welcome to the Rezort — Where the Undead Are the Least Dead Thing Ah, The Rezort — the movie that asks, “What if Jurassic Park replaced dinosaurs with zombies, and morality with irony?” The answer: a surprisingly sharp, darkly funny, and even thoughtful slice of British horror that manages to rise from the grave of … Read More ““The Rezort” (2015): Jurassic Park With Zombies, and Surprisingly Alive” »
They’re Here… Again (Unfortunately) The ghosts are back, and this time they brought something even scarier than the supernatural — mediocrity. Gil Kenan’s Poltergeist (2015) is the cinematic equivalent of microwaving a five-star meal from 1982 and wondering why it tastes like plastic. Produced by Sam Raimi — who apparently took “hands-off” producing to a … Read More ““Poltergeist” (2015): A Haunting So Bland Even the Ghosts Fell Asleep” »
Dolls, Disasters, and Deep Regret There are some horror films so bad they loop back around into comedy. Playing with Dolls doesn’t quite make that loop. Instead, it just lies there—motionless, lifeless, and vaguely sticky—like one of the dolls it was named after. Directed by Rene Perez and co-written by Perez and Barry Massoni, this … Read More ““Playing with Dolls” (2015): When the Only Thing Scarier Than the Killer Is the Script” »
When Found Footage Finally Found Rock Bottom If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if The Blair Witch Project had a baby with a History Channel conspiracy show, then threw that baby into a UFO convention sponsored by Mountain Dew, congratulations — you’ve basically already seen The Phoenix Incident. Released in 2016 and directed by … Read More ““The Phoenix Incident” (2016): Close Encounters of the Bland Kind” »
The Sixth Time Wasn’t the Charm Every long-running horror franchise eventually becomes self-parody, but Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimensiondoesn’t even wait for the audience to laugh first — it trips over its own found footage and faceplants straight into absurdity. Released in 2015 and marketed as “the terrifying conclusion to the series,” this movie proved … Read More ““Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension” (2015): 3D, 0D Storyline” »
The Only Crash Worse Than the Ones in the Movie There are bad horror movies, and then there’s Old 37 — a film so joyless, so incoherent, and so determined to turn car wrecks into character development that it’s less a slasher and more a cinematic pileup. Directed by Christian Winters (under the “Alan Smithee” … Read More ““Old 37” (2015): Roadside Assistance from Hell — and Also from Bad Filmmaking” »
Welcome to Corporate Purgatory There are bad jobs, and then there’s Office — a South Korean slasher-thriller that somehow manages to make mass murder look like the least stressful thing happening in the workplace. Directed by Hong Won-chan, Office begins with a genuinely shocking act of violence and slowly, painfully devolves into a confused hybrid … Read More ““Office” (2015): Murder, Misery, and PowerPoint Hell” »
A Love Triangle with One Too Many Heartbeats Some horror films give us ghosts that rattle chains, some give us demons that hiss Latin incantations, and then there’s Nina Forever — a film that gives us a dead girlfriend who won’t stop making fun of your new one during sex. It’s a bold choice, and … Read More ““Nina Forever” (2015): Love Never Dies, It Just Gets Snarkier” »