A Prophecy of Mediocrity If the Devil truly exists, his cruelest trick might not be the invention of sin or disco music—it might be The Devil’s Hand. Directed by Christian E. Christiansen, a man who apparently confused “Amish horror” with “made-for-cable purgatory,” this 2014 supernatural slog manages to be both self-serious and laughably shallow. You … Read More “The Devil’s Hand (2014): A Cinematic Sermon from Hell’s Basement” »
The Devil Made Me Watch It If Satan truly walks among us, his greatest trick wasn’t tempting Eve or starting heavy metal—it was convincing 20th Century Fox to finance Devil’s Due. Marketed as “a terrifying found-footage thriller in the tradition of Paranormal Activity,” what we actually got was Paranormal Activity 6: The Baby Shower Nobody … Read More “Devil’s Due (2014): Rosemary’s Baby… If Rosemary Shopped at Walmart” »
When a Horror Movie Needs an Exorcism Itself Some movies scare you because of their monsters. Others scare you because of how many clichés they can fit into two hours. Deliver Us from Evil, directed by Scott Derrickson and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer (which should’ve been the first red flag), falls firmly into the latter … Read More “Deliver Us from Evil (2014): Deliver Us from Boredom, Please” »
Space, the Final IT Help Desk David Hewlett’s Debug is what happens when you mix 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Breakfast Club, and a particularly malicious copy of Windows Vista. This 2014 Canadian sci-fi horror film imagines a future where prisoners don’t just do community service—they’re sent to debug homicidal artificial intelligences in derelict spaceships. … Read More “Debug (2014): When Hackers Meet HAL and the Wi-Fi Bites Back” »
The Dead, the Damned, and the Dreadfully Dull There are bad zombie movies, and then there are zombie movies that make you question whether the undead are the lucky ones. The Dead and the Damned 2 (also known, because it needed more names to hide behind, as The Dead, the Damned, and the Darkness or … Read More “The Dead and the Damned 2 (2014): A Zombie Movie So Lifeless, Even the Zombies Checked Out” »
The Horror of Saying “Sure, I’ll Film You in the Woods” Every so often, a horror film crawls out of the indie swamp, looks at you through the camera lens, and whispers, “You probably shouldn’t have trusted that guy from Craigslist.” Patrick Brice’s Creep (2014) is one of those films. It’s found footage at its … Read More “Creep (2014): A Found Footage Horror Movie That Feels Uncomfortably Personal — Like a Craigslist Date Gone to Hell” »
The Revenge Nobody Asked For Let’s begin with the obvious: Blood Valley: Seed’s Revenge (also known as Seed 2: The New Breed) is the cinematic equivalent of a hangover after drinking expired gasoline. Written and directed by Marcel Walz and produced by Uwe Boll (yes, that Uwe Boll), this 2014 “sequel” to 2007’s Seed proves … Read More “Blood Valley: Seed’s Revenge (2014): When Horror Sequels Should Just Stay Buried” »
Nature, Nonsense, and a Whole Lot of Teeth If you ever thought Sharknado needed more plumbing, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is the movie for you. Directed by James Cullen Bressack and proudly brought to you by the cinematic daredevils at The Asylum, this 2014 made-for-Animal Planet masterpiece proves that sometimes, you don’t … Read More “Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys (2014): When Nature Attacks, But With Suction Cups” »
The Woods Are Lovely, Dark, and Full of Teeth Ah, Canada—land of maple syrup, politeness, and the occasional black bear with a taste for romance. Backcountry, Adam MacDonald’s 2014 survival horror debut, is the kind of movie that makes you want to hug your loved ones, burn your tent, and move to a city where … Read More “Backcountry (2014): Love, Nature, and One Very Hungry Bear” »
The Horror That Appears… and Immediately Disappears If cinematic purgatory had a waiting room, The Appearing would be playing on an endless loop. Daric Gates’ 2014 supernatural thriller wants to be a chilling story of demonic possession and small-town secrets, but what it really is—let’s be honest—is a 92-minute nap with occasional screaming. The film … Read More “The Appearing (2014): Now You See It, Now You Wish You Didn’t” »