The Road to Nowhere Has Never Been So Entertaining There’s nothing like a romantic weekend getaway to test a new relationship—especially one that ends in psychological torment, car trouble, and a homicidal lunatic in the Irish countryside. In Fear (2013), directed and written by Jeremy Lovering, takes that most universal fear—being lost in the middle … Read More ““In Fear” — Lost, Terrified, and Loving Every Minute of It” »
Lights, Camera, Panic Attack Every horror fan knows the golden rule: if you’re going to prank someone in a haunted chemical plant, make sure they’re emotionally stable and not armed with an axe. The cast of HazMat (2013) clearly didn’t get that memo. Written, directed, and produced by Lou Simon—proving she’s the kind of auteur … Read More ““HazMat” — When a Reality Prank Show Turns into a Blood-Soaked HR Violation” »
Silver Falls: Where Logic Goes to Die There are bad horror movies, and then there’s A Haunting at Silver Falls — a film so spectacularly inert it makes you long for the sweet release of the end credits by the ten-minute mark. Directed by Brett Donowho and “very loosely based” on a true story (which … Read More “A Haunting at Silver Falls” — The Ghost Story That Couldn’t Scare a Cat” »
Welcome Back to Honey Island, Population: Nobody If Hatchet III proves anything, it’s that you can’t keep a good swamp monster down—or a bad franchise from gleefully bathing in its own blood. Directed by B.J. McDonnell and written by series creator Adam Green, this third trip into the Honey Island Swamp is a cinematic buffet … Read More ““Hatchet III” — A Bloody Good Time in the Swamp of Insanity” »
Once Upon a Time in Dumbsville Every now and then, a movie comes along that doesn’t just trip over its own premise — it sprints into traffic, falls face-first into a medieval bear trap, and still tries to make quips while bleeding out. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) is that movie. This film had … Read More ““Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters” — When Fairy Tales Go Full Metal Stupid” »
The Gingerbread House Special: Extra Cheese, Hold the Logic Ah, The Asylum. That beautiful, unhinged studio where copyright infringement and creative chaos hold hands and skip into the woods together. In 2013, they released Hansel & Gretel, a dark fantasy horror “reinterpretation” that’s less Brothers Grimm and more Brothers Gory. It’s a film that asks … Read More ““Hansel & Gretel” — The Asylum Serves Up a Bloody Good Snack” »
Step Right Up to the Carnival of Regret Every once in a while, a movie comes along that reminds you not all 1980s nostalgia is worth resurrecting. Gingerclown 3D (2013), a Hungarian-English horror comedy directed by Balázs Hatvani, is one such reminder — a cinematic ghost train that creaks, stalls, and collapses halfway through the … Read More ““Gingerclown 3D” — Send in the Clowns… and Then Send Them Back” »
A Cosmic Cold You’ll Be Glad to Catch There are two kinds of zombie movies: the slick, multimillion-dollar apocalypse epics that take themselves way too seriously — and then there’s Germ Z (2013), a proudly scrappy, bacteria-fueled B-movie that reminds us why low-budget horror will never die (even if its characters do). Directed by John … Read More ““Germ Z” — A Glorious Infection of Low-Budget Brilliance” »
Found Footage, Lost Patience Every few years, someone looks at the found footage genre and thinks, “You know what this needs? Less logic, less tension, and more Arctic snow.” Thus, The Frankenstein Theory (2013) was born — a movie so convinced it’s groundbreaking that it forgets to actually, well, be good. Directed by Andrew Weiner, … Read More ““The Frankenstein Theory” — It’s Alive! Unfortunately.” »
Love Hurts. So Does Watching This Movie. There’s a thin line between gothic romance and gothic nonsense — and The Forbidden Girl (2013) pole-vaults over it, doing a somersault of self-importance on the way down. Directed by Till Hastreiter (who I can only assume made this film on a dare from a bored demon), this … Read More ““The Forbidden Girl” — Or How to Make a Gothic Horror Without the Horror (or the Logic)” »