“The Haunting Hour Nobody Asked For” Let’s start with a confession: I actually liked the first Paranormal Activity. It was low-budget, creepy, and gave you that voyeuristic thrill of watching doors creak open on their own at 3 a.m. while whispering, “Nope.” But by Paranormal Activity 4, the demon has been haunting suburban families longer … Read More ““Paranormal Activity 4” (2012): When the Demon’s the Only One Still Trying” »
“The War Is Over, But the Zombies Just Won’t Quit” If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Inglourious Basterds got blackout drunk, fell asleep on a VHS copy of Resident Evil, and woke up missing a few neurons, then congratulations—you’ve imagined Outpost: Black Sun. This 2012 British war-horror sequel to Outpost attempts to be … Read More ““Outpost: Black Sun” (2012): Nazi Zombies, Broken Physics, and the Death of Common Sense” »
“Thou Shalt Not Expect Subtlety” Rob Zombie’s The Lords of Salem is what happens when you hand a filmmaker a camera, a box of incense, and the collected works of Aleister Crowley and tell him, “Go nuts.” It’s loud, lurid, hypnotic, and weirdly funny—like Rosemary’s Baby if it had been directed by a tattoo artist … Read More ““The Lords of Salem” (2012): Rob Zombie’s Acid Trip Through Witchy New England Madness” »
“The Final Chapter—Until the Next One” You have to hand it to Lake Placid: The Final Chapter. Not since Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter has a movie lied so brazenly to our faces. It promises closure, it delivers chaos. It claims finality, it breeds sequels. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a crocodile swearing it’s … Read More ““Lake Placid: The Final Chapter” (2012): The Crocodile That Refused to Retire” »
“Jaws? More Like Gums.” There are bad shark movies, and then there’s Attack of the Jurassic Shark—a film so catastrophically cheap, it makes Sharknado look like Lawrence of Arabia. This 2012 Canadian “adventure horror-thriller” (all words used under duress) is what happens when you combine the plot of Jaws, the budget of a garage sale, … Read More ““Attack of the Jurassic Shark” (2012): When Evolution Should’ve Taken a Sick Day” »
“Till Death Do Us Boredom Apart” If I Will Follow You Into the Dark (later renamed Into the Dark, presumably to save audiences from following the wrong movie) teaches us anything, it’s that not every song lyric should be turned into a film. Inspired by the emotional intimacy of the Death Cab for Cutie ballad, … Read More ““Into the Dark” (2012): A Romantic Ghost Story That Should’ve Stayed Dead” »
“Poltergeist Meets Existential Crisis: Now Accepting Ghost Insurance” Every so often, a film comes along that reminds you horror doesn’t need gallons of fake blood or a CGI demon doing jazz hands to be effective. I Am a Ghost (2012), written and directed by H.P. Mendoza, is one of those strange, beautiful, and eerily funny … Read More ““I Am a Ghost” (2012): Therapy for the Dead—A Hauntingly Good Session” »
“Torture Porn Without the Porn or the Point” Every once in a while, a horror film comes along that makes you question not only your taste in movies but your basic life choices. House on the Hill is one of those films. It’s a cinematic crime scene masquerading as entertainment—a grim, joyless slog based on … Read More ““House on the Hill” (2012): The Serial Killer Movie That Should’ve Been Left for Dead” »
“When You Think You’ve Reached Rock Bottom, Check the Basement” If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Psycho and a Lifetime movie had a baby and then abandoned it in a cul-de-sac, House at the End of the Street is your answer. This 2012 psychological “thriller” (a term here used generously) takes the bones … Read More ““House at the End of the Street” (2012): Where Horror Goes to Die (of Boredom)” »
“The Devil Made Me Do It—But I Still Blame the Director” If Here Comes the Devil were a person, it would be that guy at a party who insists on telling a ghost story that doesn’t go anywhere, forgets half the details, and then vomits symbolism all over your shoes. Directed by Adrián García Bogliano, … Read More ““Here Comes the Devil” (2012): And There Goes My Patience” »