When Zombies and Nazis Collide—And No One Wins You know you’re in trouble when a movie about Nazi zombies somehow manages to be boring. War of the Dead (also known as Stone’s War, because “Rock’s War” was apparently taken) is one of those cinematic curiosities that sounds incredible in theory—American and Finnish soldiers versus undead … Read More “War of the Dead (2011): The Longest 90 Minutes in Undead History” »
The Gentle Art of Bloodletting Shunji Iwai’s Vampire is the kind of film that looks at Twilight’s glittery undead and whispers, “No thanks, I’ll drink alone.” It’s a slow, melancholy meditation on loneliness, death, and the delicate etiquette of drinking blood without being rude about it. Released in 2011 to a baffled Sundance audience expecting … Read More “Vampire (2011): A Bloody Romance for the Soft-Spoken and Socially Awkward” »
Deep in the Bowels of Sydney Lies Terror (and Probably a Lost Cameraman) There are two kinds of people in this world: those who see an abandoned tunnel and say “Nope,” and those who see an abandoned tunnel and say, “Let’s bring cameras.” The Tunnel—Australia’s answer to The Descent by way of Dateline—firmly belongs to … Read More “The Tunnel (2011): Journalism, Found Footage, and the Joy of Never Taking the Subway Again” »
A Prequel That Crawled Out of the Ice and Into My Heart Let’s get one thing out of the way: prequels usually suck. For every Rogue One, there are ten Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginnings. So when The Thing (2011) came along, fans of John Carpenter’s 1982 classic crossed their fingers, lit their flamethrowers, and … Read More “The Thing (2011): The Cold Never Bothered Me Anyway—But This Alien Sure Did” »
Welcome to Reality Hell Some horror films are so intense they make you fear for your life. The Task makes you fear for your IQ. Directed by Alex Orwell (a name that sounds suspiciously like someone hiding from accountability), this 2011 British-American hybrid tries to mash together reality TV satire and supernatural terror but ends … Read More “The Task (2011): A Horror Movie So Dumb It Should’ve Been the Real Challenge” »
The Film That Swam Too Close to Stupid There are bad shark movies, and then there’s Super Shark—a cinematic fever dream where logic drowns, acting washes ashore, and the audience is left gasping for air. Directed by Fred Olen Ray, a man who once looked at Sharktopus and said, “Hold my beer,” this 2011 sci-fi … Read More “Super Shark (2011): When the Shark Jumps You Instead” »
Welcome to the Jungle—Now Lose Your Mind If you’ve ever thought, “I’d love to watch a war movie, but I wish it had fewer explosions and more existential dread,”then congratulations: The Squad (El Páramo) is the psychological horror you’ve been waiting for. This 2011 Colombian thriller, directed by Jaime Osorio Márquez in his feature debut, … Read More “The Squad (2011): When Paranoia, Fog, and Witchcraft Collide in Colombia’s Bleakest Vacation Spot” »
A Howl at the Indie Moon If Joe Swanberg’s Silver Bullets were an animal, it wouldn’t be a snarling beast stalking through the woods—it’d be a nervous coyote wearing a flannel shirt, holding a camcorder, and whispering, “Is this working?” This 2011 meta-psychological thriller about love, jealousy, and creative insecurity takes the werewolf myth and … Read More “Silver Bullets (2011): When Werewolves, Indie Filmmakers, and Relationship Anxiety Collide” »
A Shark Movie with No Bite There are bad shark movies, and then there’s Shark Night 3D—a cinematic tragedy so bland it makes Jaws: The Revengelook like Citizen Kane. Directed by the late David R. Ellis, who previously blessed us with Snakes on a Plane, this toothless 2011 “horror” flick dares to ask: what if … Read More “Shark Night (2011): When Sharks Attack… Logic, Acting, and Your Will to Live” »
A Beach Party Apocalypse If Jaws made you afraid to go in the water, Sand Sharks will make you afraid to go near sand… or at least afraid of watching low-budget CGI. Directed by Mark Atkins and starring Corin Nemec, Brooke Hogan, and an entire cast that looks like they were hired directly from a … Read More “Sand Sharks (2011): When Jaws Meets Tremors and Everyone Regrets It—but You’ll Have a Blast” »