Some horror movies are terrifying because of what they show you. Others are terrifying because of what they imply. Marebito (2004), on the other hand, is terrifying because it forces you to sit through 90 minutes of a man wandering around tunnels like a lost tourist who misplaced his Lonely Planet guidebook. Directed by Takashi … Read More “Marebito (2004): Fear and Loathing in Tokyo’s Sewer System” »
Horror movies often sell themselves on atmosphere, terror, and clever storytelling. The Grudge sells itself on a blue-tinted filter, a kid who won’t stop meowing like a broken Furby, and the sound of someone trying to hack up a hairball through a megaphone. Takashi Shimizu, who directed the original Ju-On, was brought to America’s attention … Read More “The Grudge (2004) – Or How Sarah Michelle Gellar Got Jump-Scared by a Cat-Boy in a Closet for Two Hours” »
There are movies that sink their teeth into you and never let go, and then there are movies like Frankenfish—a film that takes one look at Jaws, gulps down a six-pack of swamp water, and says, “Hold my crawfish boil.” Released in 2004, this Louisiana bayou monster flick is based (loosely, drunkenly, sloppily) on the … Read More “Frankenfish (2004) – When SyFy Said “What If Jaws, But With Catfish DNA and a Chainsaw Budget?”” »
There are horror films that scare you, horror films that disgust you, and then there’s Dumplings—a cinematic experience so committed to gross-out body horror that you’ll never look at dim sum the same way again. Fruit Chan’s 2004 ode to aging, vanity, and eating things that really should not be eaten plays like Sweeney Todd … Read More “Dumplings (2004) – The Only Recipe Worse Than Grandma’s Fruitcake” »
Some horror flicks are scary, some are stupid, and then there’s Decoys—a Canadian straight-to-Sci-Fi Channel fever dream about horny college kids, alien ice queens, and the kind of tentacle action usually reserved for late-night anime imports. This is the movie you get when a producer walks into a pitch meeting and says, “What if American … Read More “Decoys (2004) – Hot Aliens, Cold Movie” »
Some movies are bad because they’re lazy. Some are bad because they’re cheap. Curse of the Maya is bad because it’s both, and then it doubles down with the kind of hubris only a vanity project can deliver. Written, directed by, and starring David Heavener—yes, the same David Heavener who has built a career out … Read More “Curse of the Maya (2004) – When Even the Zombies Want Out” »
If Pitch Black was a scrappy little B-movie that punched above its weight, The Chronicles of Riddick is what happens when Hollywood hands that scrappy fighter a billion-dollar protein shake, a shiny set of armor, and tells him to go fight the Roman Empire. It’s bloated, self-important, and about as subtle as Vin Diesel whispering … Read More “The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) – Diesel-Powered Nonsense in Space” »
Some movies are so blandly awful you forget them before the credits roll. Others are so aggressively stupid they carve themselves into your skull like a tattoo done by a drunk inmate. Blessed (2004) somehow manages to be both. It’s a horror film that’s allergic to horror, a thriller that couldn’t thrill a toddler on … Read More “Blessed (2004) – Rosemary’s Baby for People Who Deserve Refunds” »
There are horror films that chill your bones, unsettle your dreams, and leave you second-guessing your next trip to the doctor. Then there’s Infection (Kansen)—a 2004 Japanese horror film that somehow manages to make green goo boring. Directed by Masayuki Ochiai, this entry in the J-Horror Theater series promised paranoia and psychological terror in a … Read More “Infection (2004): Goo-Gone Wrong” »
Some horror films haunt you. Others thrill you. Godsend just makes you wish you’d been the kid hit by the car in the opening scene, if only to spare you the next two hours. Directed by Nick Hamm and starring Greg Kinnear, Rebecca Romijn, and—yes—Robert De Niro, this psychological horror-thriller tries to tackle cloning, grief, … Read More “Godsend — Proof That Even Robert De Niro Can’t Clone a Good Movie” »