If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Jurassic Park mated with Lake Placid after a particularly sloppy night out, congratulations: Roger Corman already answered that question with Dinocroc. Unfortunately, the answer is “an 85-minute Syfy Channel original that looks like it was shot on the leftover sets from a high school talent show.” Directed … Read More “Dinocroc (2004): When Roger Corman Crosses the Streams of Jurassic Park and Swamp Thing” »
Let’s be honest—remaking George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is like repainting the Mona Lisa because you thought she’d look cooler with tribal tattoos. It’s not impossible, but it’s unnecessary and probably a cry for help. Enter Zack Snyder in his feature debut, armed with James Gunn’s screenplay and a desperate desire to prove … Read More “Dawn of the Dead (2004): When the Apocalypse Looks Like a Zack Snyder Music Video” »
Ah, the London Underground: home to lost tourists, late-night drunkards, and—according to Christopher Smith’s Creep—a sewage-dwelling goblin-man who moonlights as a DIY surgeon. This 2004 horror film takes the idea of being stuck on the Tube after hours and asks, “What if the worst thing you had to deal with wasn’t the smell of warm … Read More “Creep (2004): A Love Letter to London’s Rat-Infested Subway from Hell” »
Some movies are so bad they’re good. Some are so bad they’re unwatchable. And then there’s Boa vs. Python, which exists in a special cinematic purgatory where the laws of logic, biology, and filmmaking are all treated like roadkill on a Bulgarian highway. It’s a crossover between Python (2000) and Boa (2002), which is like … Read More “Boa vs. Python (2004): The Clash of the CGI Titans Nobody Asked For” »
Ah, Wrong Turn. A film that wanted to be the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of the early 2000s but ended up as the cinematic equivalent of getting lost in West Virginia and realizing the scariest thing isn’t cannibals—it’s the lack of cell service. Directed by Rob Schmidt and written by Alan B. McElroy, this movie proudly … Read More “Wrong Turn (2003): When GPS Failure Meets Brain Failure” »
Every culture has its own ghost stories, and South Korea has been generous enough to gift us with an entire series of them in the Whispering Corridors films. Unfortunately, by the time we get to the third installment, Wishing Stairs, the franchise has gone from creepy folklore to what feels like an after-school special gone … Read More “Wishing Stairs (2003): Be Careful What You Wish For—You Might End Up Watching This Movie” »
There are films where you root for the underdog, and then there’s Willard, where the underdog is a sweaty loner with zero social skills who trains vermin like a discount Disney princess gone feral. Directed by Glen Morgan, this reworking of the 1971 film takes Stephen Gilbert’s Ratman’s Notebooks and asks: What if Norman Bates … Read More “Willard (2003): Crispin Glover and the Rat Pack Nobody Asked For” »
Some films are masterpieces of cinema. Others are masterpieces of cheese. And then there’s Webs—a 2003 Sci-Fi Channel original where Richard Grieco (yes, that Grieco from 21 Jump Street) stumbles into an alternate Chicago ruled by spider people. It is gloriously dumb, unintentionally funny, and so deeply committed to its own absurdity that it somehow … Read More “Webs (2003): Richard Grieco vs. Giant Spiders, and Somehow We All Win” »
South Korea has given us some masterful psychological horror — A Tale of Two Sisters, Thirst, The Wailing. And then there’s The Uninvited, which proves that for every delicately layered exploration of trauma and dread, you can also just shove two ghost kids at a dining table and call it a day. This is a … Read More “The Uninvited (2003): A Table for Four, A Nap for All” »
Let’s get this out of the way immediately: Kate Beckinsale looks fantastic in leather. She could be reading tax law in a PVC catsuit, and at least half the audience would still show up. Unfortunately for everyone else, Underworld decides that if you’ve got Beckinsale in skin-tight gear, you don’t actually need a coherent story, … Read More “Underworld (2003): Or How to Make Vampires and Werewolves Boring” »