Somewhere, in the lonely backroom of a Dimension Films office lit by the flickering glow of a malfunctioning fax machine, someone once muttered, “What if we made a Hellraiser movie, but forgot Pinhead?” And thus, Hellraiser: Dread was born—an installment so loosely connected to the franchise that it might as well be called Pinterest Torture: … Read More “Hellraiser: Dread (2009) – Winter’s Lament, Viewer’s Regret” »
If you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to be slowly read to death by a somnambulant goth grad student during a power outage, then Book of Blood (2009) is your cinematic Xanax. Adapted from Clive Barker’s opening and closing stories in his Books of Blood series, this direct-to-streaming snoozer dribbles onto the screen … Read More “Book of Blood (2009) – Tales from the Crypt Keeper’s Slush Pile” »
There are films that die quietly. Then there’s Hellraiser: Deader, which doesn’t just die—it flops face-first into a sewer, gasps something about postmodernism, and then spends 88 minutes convulsing in a puddle of its own creative bankruptcy. By the time Pinhead lumbers onto the screen in the final act like a Cenobite mall cop called … Read More “Hellraiser: Deader (2005) – Dead Inside, Deader on Screen” »
By 2002, the Hellraiser franchise had already crawled into the direct-to-video dumpster like a Cenobite trying to get cozy in a kiddie pool of mediocrity. And then along came Hellseeker, the sixth entry in the series and arguably the cinematic equivalent of an overripe banana: mushy, bruised, and reeking of decay. Not quite rotten enough … Read More “Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002) – Pinhead’s Existential Midlife Crisis” »
There are straight-to-video sequels, and then there are cinematic afterbirths scraped off the bottom of a forgotten Blockbuster shelf. Candyman: Day of the Dead belongs to the latter, a film so bereft of logic, dignity, and artistry that it makes you want to apologize to bees. If Farewell to the Flesh was Candyman’s awkward family … Read More “Candyman: Day of the Dead (1999) — Hooked on a Stupid Feeling” »
Once upon a 1997, in a time when TV movies thought they could be edgy and horror anthologies were still dragging their half-dead corpses across the airwaves, someone said, “Let’s mix Clive Barker and Stephen King. What could possibly go wrong?” Enter Quicksilver Highway, a two-story anthology directed by Mick Garris and built like an … Read More “Quicksilver Highway (1997): Two Tales, No Brakes, and a Whole Lotta Bad Hair” »
Some sequels feel unnecessary. Others feel like someone found a bag of money labeled “horror franchise” and screamed, “Quick, get Tony Todd on the phone!” Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh is the cinematic equivalent of a Mardi Gras float crashing into a mausoleum. Loud, messy, full of beads and regret. Released in 1995, this soggy, … Read More “Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995) – A Honey-Drenched Dumpster Fire in the Big Easy” »
Nightbreed is what happens when you let a horror novelist direct a monster movie, hand him a bucket of latex, a Bible, a bottle of absinthe, and a copy of The Island of Misfit Toys, and tell him to go nuts. Clive Barker, the leather-bound lunatic who gave us Hellraiser, returns in full freakshow mode … Read More “Nightbreed (1990): Monsters, Misfits, and the Most Metal Therapy Session Ever Filmed” »
Clive Barker didn’t just kick the door down with Hellraiser. He tore it off the hinges, reattached it upside down, and summoned a quartet of interdimensional sadomasochists to drag our souls into a world of exquisite torment. Released in 1987, Hellraiser is Barker’s directorial debut, and it arrives soaked in blood, dripping with ambition, and … Read More “Hellraiser (1987): Skinless Men, Sex Demons, and the Glory of Pain With Purpose” »
There’s something poetic about the fact that Underworld was originally titled Transmutations. Because about halfway through watching it, your brain begins its own transmutation—from curious to confused, from bored to bitter, and finally into something resembling existential nausea. This isn’t the kind of movie you watch. It’s the kind you survive. Preferably with medication and … Read More “Underworld (1985): Clive Barker’s Dumpster Fire of Gothic Nightmares and ’80s Hair Gel” »