Directed by Joe Alves | Starring Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr., and a shark rendered in pure shame There’s bad sequels, and then there’s Jaws 3-D—a movie so creatively bankrupt it doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a colon. This is the film that took one of the greatest cinematic thrillers of all … Read More “Jaws 3-D (1983): The Shark That Jumped the Shark—In Three Dimensions of Suck” »
Directed by Pat Proft | Starring Leslie Nielsen, Kelly LeBrock, Michael York, Richard Crenna If Wrongfully Accused were a person, it would be the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving who tries to retell The Fugitive using sock puppets and fart jokes. And everyone just politely sips their wine, waiting for it to end. This movie is … Read More “Wrongfully Accused (1998): A Crime Against Comedy” »
Directed by Jim Wynorski | Starring Matt McCoy, Kelly LeBrock, Kimberly Kelley, Rochelle Swanson There are spaghetti westerns. Then there are meatloaf westerns—cheap, lumpy, and mostly filler. Hard Bounty is firmly in the latter camp. This 1995 direct-to-video trainwreck rides into town with all the swagger of a dollar-store Clint Eastwood and proceeds to unload … Read More “Hard Bounty (1995): Saddlebags, Sideboob, and the Softcore Western Nobody Asked For” »
Directed by Strathford Hamilton | Starring Helen Slater, Billy Zane, Kelly LeBrock There are bad thrillers, and then there are thrillers so generic they could be sold in bulk next to off-brand cereal. Betrayal of the Dove is one such specimen—a film that dares to ask, “What if Sleeping with the Enemy got lobotomized and … Read More “Betrayal of the Dove (1993): The Suspense is Missing, but At Least There’s Feathered Symbolism” »
Directed by Bruce Malmuth | Starring Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler If you’ve ever wanted to watch a man wake up from a coma, grow a beard like a vengeful raccoon, and then break more bones than a Greek wedding—congratulations, you’re Steven Seagal’s ideal audience. Hard to Kill is one of those quintessential Seagal … Read More “Hard to Kill (1990): Seagal in a Coma, and the Script Should’ve Stayed There” »
Directed by and starring Gene Wilder | Also starring Kelly LeBrock, Gilda Radner, Charles Grodin There are movies that age like fine wine… and then there’s The Woman in Red, a film that ages like potato salad left in the sun at a 1980s office picnic. It’s a sex farce for the dad-bod demographic, directed … Read More “The Woman in Red (1984): Midlife Crisis in a Red Dress” »
Ah yes, Shadows of the Storm, the forgotten 1988 fever dream of a movie that dares to ask, “What if Edgar Allan Poe came back to life just to punch the screenwriter in the face?” This cinematic oddity stars Eric Roberts in full “my agent has stopped returning calls” mode and Ned Beatty, who you … Read More “Shadows of the Storm (1988): Edgar Allan Poe Called—He Wants His Reputation Back” »
Imagine if The Exorcist, Witness, and a soggy Sunday School lesson had a child—then promptly left it in the woods to be raised by VHS mildew and half-baked theology. That child would be Apprentice to Murder, a 1988 “thriller” that moves with all the urgency of a butter churn and has less suspense than a … Read More “Apprentice to Murder (1988): Thou Shalt Not Stay Awake” »
Ah, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. A film that’s been declared “iconic” by every millennial who wore Vans without socks and got detention for mouthing off to a sub. John Hughes’ love letter to youthful rebellion, Chicago tourism, and ‘80s upper-middle-class white kid privilege is a ride—if not exactly a smooth one. The movie wants to … Read More “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986): Skipping School, Dodging Consequences, and Staring at Mia Sara” »
Let’s get one thing out of the way: Legend is beautiful. It’s a visual feast. Every frame looks like it was painted with crushed fairy wings and shot through a fog machine that someone forgot to turn off. But if you peeled back the shimmering, glitter-soaked surface and actually tried to find a movie underneath, … Read More “Legend (1985): Unicorns, Glitter, and the Horny Devil from Your Nightmares” »
