Satan’s Triangle—the title alone screams “horror masterpiece,” right? Well, if by “masterpiece,” you mean a film so slow it might as well be floating in the Bermuda Triangle itself, then yes, this made-for-TV mystery horror movie directed by Sutton Roley is an absolute “hit.” Starring Kim Novak and Doug McClure, Satan’s Triangle takes the best parts of supernatural suspense and sinks them faster than a ship in the Bermuda Triangle… only this time, it’s more of a slow, painful descent than a dramatic plunge.
Plot: A Triangle of Confusion, with a Side of Overacting
The plot of Satan’s Triangle could be summed up as “Coast Guard helicopter meets spooky ship, a dash of bad acting, and supernatural confusion.” It begins with Lt. Commander Pagnolini (Michael Conrad) and his winchman Haig (Doug McClure) answering a distress call from a derelict schooner, the Requite, floating somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. They find three dead bodies and one survivor, Eva (Kim Novak), who claims supernatural forces are at play. You know, your typical Tuesday for a Coast Guard crew, right?
At this point, it’s clear the film isn’t quite sure if it wants to be Jaws or The Twilight Zone. After rescuing Eva and getting stuck overnight on a boat with her, Haig listens to her eerie tale of freakish deaths aboard the schooner, including a man who appears to be hanging from the mast and another who seemingly vanishes into thin air. It’s like watching a bad version of Ghost Stories for Dummies, with Eva sounding like a creepier version of your aunt telling you “strange things” that happened at her house.
When Eva has sex with Haig to “comfort” him after his emotionally taxing night of listening to her ramble on about floating bodies and supernatural occurrences, you’ll wish the ghost of good storytelling would just show up and knock some sense into the plot. But no, instead, you get more creepy monologues and less of the actual spooky action.
The Characters: Flat, Stiff, and Not Just the Corpses
Haig is the quintessential “doubting skeptic,” and Doug McClure plays him with all the enthusiasm of someone reading the weather report at a funeral. Kim Novak as Eva is so overdramatic, she could give soap operas a run for their money, delivering her lines like she’s auditioning for The Twilight Zone after drinking an entire bottle of wine. And let’s talk about Father Peter Martin (Alejandro Rey)—the “supernatural priest” who suddenly turns into an evil force with more one-liners than a late-night talk show host. When the twist happens, you’ll be so uninterested that the “big reveal” might as well have been texted to you in a cryptic emoji.
None of these characters are remotely interesting, and as a result, you’ll spend more time hoping that a supernatural force will just take them out, preferably in a way that makes the film end faster. The performances are so stiff that you’ll suspect they used mannequins as stand-ins when the actors took their breaks. Even Kim Novak can’t save her performance, with every line she delivers sounding more like an audition for a spooky bedtime story than a pivotal moment in a horror film.
The Horror: Ghostly Confusion and Non-Stop Eye-Rolling
If you’re here for supernatural thrills, you’re in the wrong place. The only thing supernatural about Satan’s Triangle is how long it takes to get to anything remotely exciting. Most of the film consists of Haig and Eva talking in circles about ghosts, spirits, and weird occurrences aboard a ship no one cares about. As soon as you think the film might kick into gear, you’re treated to another round of Eva talking in riddles, interspersed with Haig’s skeptical sighs.
The “twist” of the floating bodies and supernatural forces is less chilling and more “Okay, sure, why not?” You know the film has jumped the shark when Haig’s “scientific” explanations of why people are floating are just as convincing as the plot itself—i.e., they’re not. The climax, which involves a priest (who seems to have missed a few theology classes) turning into a supernatural entity and pushing people out of helicopters, might be the best example of the film’s sheer lack of self-awareness. By this point, you’ll probably be hoping that Haig and Eva both get sucked into the Bermuda Triangle… along with the entire script.
The Ending: A Very Unsubtle Sinking Ship
By the time Satan’s Triangle reaches its conclusion, you’ll wonder if the filmmakers had given up halfway through. The final twist is supposed to leave you speechless, but instead, it has you staring at the screen in confusion, trying to figure out how this bad sitcom got classified as a horror film. Eva turns into the priest (or was she the priest all along? WHO CARES?) and Haig dies in a rather anticlimactic fashion. The icing on the cake is that as the credits roll, you’ll wonder if someone accidentally released the film before they finished editing. Honestly, it feels like the entire movie is one big practical joke that no one told you about in advance.
Conclusion: Spooky in the Sense That Watching Paint Dry Is Spooky
Satan’s Triangle is a supernatural mess that neither thrills nor chills. The performances are stilted, the plot is as confusing as an IKEA manual, and the horror is so half-hearted that it feels more like a group of people walking around in Halloween costumes, trying to convince you they’re scary. If you’re looking for suspense, tension, or a good laugh at a bad film, this could technically satisfy your needs. Otherwise, you might want to steer clear of this Bermuda Triangle of bad filmmaking. The only real mystery is why anyone thought Satan’s Triangle was a good idea in the first place.
