Some horror movies are bad in a fun way. You pop some popcorn, grab a six-pack, and laugh as teenagers trip over garden hoses while being chased by a guy in a Dollar Tree mask. Then there’s The Backlot Murders, a film so profoundly stupid it makes you wonder if the Elvis impersonator killer wasn’t trying to slash the cast but mercy-kill them before the script got any worse.
This is a movie where Corey Haim shows up, does nothing of importance, and still manages to be one of the better things about it. That’s not a compliment; that’s like saying he was the least drunk at the DUI checkpoint.
Plot? What Plot?
The story is about a band shooting a music video on a Hollywood backlot. Why? Because the lead singer, Dez (Brian Gaskill), is dating the record producer’s daughter, Jamie (Jamie Anstead). That’s it. That’s the motivation. No hit single, no stardom, no actual talent. Just nepotism with guitars.
Naturally, while they’re prancing around pretending to be rock stars, a killer in an Elvis mask shows up and starts stabbing everyone. Why Elvis? The movie never really explains. Maybe the director lost a bet in Vegas. Maybe Priscilla Barnes (yes, that Priscilla Barnes from Three’s Company) refused to wear the jumpsuit. Whatever the reason, the killer struts around in rhinestones like a Graceland reject who traded peanut butter and banana sandwiches for a butcher knife.
A Backlot of Bad Ideas
The title is apt—because this film feels like it was made entirely out of leftover props and half-written scripts from other productions. You’ve got a fake diner, a fake suburban house, a fake jail cell, and one very real sense of déjà vu as you realize every scene looks like a Scooby-Doo episode that forgot to bring the dog.
The kills? Standard slasher fare. Throats are slit, bodies are stabbed, and blood sprays like a malfunctioning ketchup bottle. Except none of it is scary. Or stylish. Or even vaguely interesting. The Elvis mask robs the killer of menace. Imagine being murdered by a guy who looks like he should be lip-syncing at your grandma’s retirement party.
Characters Who Deserve It
It’s hard to root for anyone because they’re all written with the depth of a puddle. The “rock band” looks like they couldn’t play a chord to save their lives, and the groupies are so flat they might as well have “First Victim” written on their foreheads.
Jamie, the producer’s daughter, is supposed to be the moral center of the story, but she’s so bland you forget she’s there until she screams. Dez, her boyfriend, struts around like a rock god even though his music sounds like Nickelback’s drunk cousin. And Corey Haim’s character, Tony? He basically wanders in and out like he accidentally walked onto the wrong set but was too polite to leave.
The only character with personality is the Elvis killer, and that’s because rhinestones are more expressive than this cast.
Priscilla Barnes: From Three’s Company to Three’s a Crowd
Poor Priscilla Barnes. Once upon a time, she was a sitcom star. Here she plays Stephanie, whose main job is to yell at people and then wander off-screen until it’s her turn to be threatened. You can practically see the regret in her eyes. Every line delivery screams: “I could’ve said no. I could’ve been on Law & Order.”
Music Video Madness
Let’s talk about the band. Their big break is this music video, which is ironic because the video looks like it cost about twelve bucks to make. Imagine a garage band pretending to be edgy while an Elvis killer lurks in the background. That’s the whole movie.
There’s no commentary on fame, no satire of the music industry, nothing. Just bad acting, worse wigs, and an Elvis mask that was probably borrowed from a Halloween store clearance bin.
Elvis Has Left the Building (And So Should You)
The Elvis killer’s motivation is about as clear as mud. Is he avenging something? Is he a deranged fan? Or is he just the world’s angriest impersonator, pissed off that he got stuck working weddings in Reno? The movie doesn’t bother to explain. By the end, you’re not even curious anymore. You just want him to kill everyone so the credits can roll and you can reclaim your sanity.
Corey Haim: Cameo or Cry for Help?
It’s 2002, and Corey Haim is in a straight-to-video Elvis-themed slasher. That alone is tragic. But the worst part is that his character has no impact on the story. You could edit him out entirely and the movie wouldn’t change. It’s like they put him in just to slap his name on the DVD box and trick nostalgic Lost Boys fans into renting it.
Watching him stumble through this nonsense feels like catching your childhood hero working mall Santa shifts. It’s depressing and awkward, but you also feel guilty for staring.
Death by Cliché
Every death scene in The Backlot Murders is a rerun from a better horror film. The horny couple gets killed during sex. The jerk gets stabbed for being a jerk. The “final girl” survives because that’s her only job. Even the jump scares feel bored, like the editor yawned while cutting them in.
The only unique thing here is the Elvis mask, and even that gets old fast. By the third kill, you’re not scared—you’re just wondering if he’s going to break into “Jailhouse Rock” before stabbing someone.
Production Values: Negative Stars
The cinematography looks like it was shot on a camcorder your uncle uses for weddings. The lighting is so inconsistent you half expect characters to vanish into shadow mid-sentence. The editing chops scenes together with all the grace of a blender. And the soundtrack? Imagine every generic “rock” riff you’ve ever heard played back-to-back until your ears beg for mercy.
Final Verdict: A Hunka Hunka Burning Trash
The Backlot Murders tries to be meta, like Scream meets Scooby-Doo, but it ends up being more Saved by the Bell: The Slasher Years. There’s no wit, no scares, and no reason to exist other than to remind you that even Elvis impersonators can have a bad day.
This isn’t so-bad-it’s-good. It’s just bad. Watching it is like being trapped in a Vegas chapel where the preacher keeps singing “Love Me Tender” off-key while stabbing the groomsmen.
If you want Elvis horror done right, go watch Bubba Ho-Tep. If you want a good slasher, pick literally anything else. And if you want to waste 90 minutes of your life, The Backlot Murders is waiting for you, rhinestones and all.
