Every generation gets the horror remake it deserves. The 2000s gave us gritty reboots, the 2010s gave us elevated horror, and the 2020s have now given us Witchboard—a supernatural thriller so aggressively mediocre it feels like the cinematic equivalent of stirring a pot of lukewarm gumbo and calling it “heritage cooking.”
Chuck Russell returns to the director’s chair after decades away, dusting off the 1986 Witchboard with all the care and finesse of someone remodeling a house using duct tape and Wikipedia articles about “historical accuracy.” Yes, the film claims to incorporate real French witch-trial history. And yes, the movie definitely took place in front of cameras. Beyond that? Well… let’s talk.
A Plot Delivered Like a Séance With Poor Wi-Fi
The film begins with Emily (Madison Iseman), a recovering heroin addict helping her fiancé Christian open a restaurant in New Orleans. She’s trying to rebuild her life—an admirable premise. Unfortunately, Witchboard immediately asks the audience to suspend disbelief by having her wander into the woods for mushrooms, find a cursed 17th-century witchboard, and then decide, “YES. I will bring this home. This feels like a stable life choice.”
Emily quickly discovers the board’s pendulum is made from a human finger bone, and instead of reacting like a normal person (“burn it with fire immediately”), she shrugs and thinks, “Cool! Etsy vibes.”
What follows is a tragicomic parade of stupidity, fate, and badly timed visions. Emily uses the board to find her engagement ring (because apparently spirits have become personal shoppers), while a series of increasingly absurd accidents kill off random supporting characters. A friend gets eviscerated by a meat slicer in a kitchen scene so over-the-top it makes Final Destination look like Downton Abbey.
Her old drug dealer dies next after falling off a roof, giving the film a real “just say no or else spirits will shove you” message.
Naga Soth: The Powerful Witch Who Deserved a Better Movie
Enter Naga Soth, a persecuted 17th-century witch portrayed by Antonia Desplat, who once cursed her entire village into mass hysteria when the local bishop tried to weaponize her magic. This backstory is genuinely cool—so naturally the film uses it as sparingly as humanly possible.
Naga Soth’s flashbacks are peppered throughout the story like seasoning thrown by a chef who doesn’t understand flavor. One minute we’re in New Orleans watching Emily pick at her trauma, and the next we’re yanked back to the 1690s Lorraine province, where the dialogue sounds like the actors learned the lines using Google Translate’s “Old Timey” setting.
This is the film’s biggest flaw: it has the ingredients for a rich occult myth but keeps undercooking everything.
Naga Soth deserved a movie where she gets to be terrifying, tragic, mysterious.
Instead, she possesses Emily and goes on a mushroom-poisoning spree at a restaurant opening.
Yes. Mushroom poisoning. This is the film’s idea of a supernatural vengeance arc.
She makes the guests trip so hard they hallucinate each other into murder. Honestly, the witch should sue for defamation.
Alexander Babtiste: A Villain Who Looks Like He Orders Robes From “Cults R Us”
Things take a turn for the hilariously dumb when Brooke—the ex-girlfriend antiquities expert because of course she is—introduces Christian to Alexander Babtiste, played by Jamie Campbell Bower with the dramatic intensity of someone auditioning to be the lead singer of a Victorian goth metal band.
Alexander lives in a mansion so obviously villainous it may as well have flashing neon signs reading “THIS MAN WORSHIPS SOMETHING BAD.” He’s a New Age pagan, a descendant of witch-hunter Bishop Grogan, and a secretly power-hungry cult leader who wants to enslave Naga Soth’s reborn spirit like some kind of witch Pokémon.
His plan involves:
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a cult,
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a séance,
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generational trauma,
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betrayal,
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a burning witchboard,
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and enough candles to burn down a cathedral.
At one point, Christian kills several cultists in a house fight that looks like the production ran out of budget halfway through and had to improvise with IKEA lamps and dramatic shouting.
Alexander eventually shoots Christian, because apparently he’s easier to kill than a kitchen worker near an electric slicer.
Time Travel… Kinda?
The film’s climax involves Emily’s soul being yeeted back into 1690s France while Naga Soth uses Emily’s body to cause chaos in the present.
This is confusing, but don’t worry—the film is confused too.
Naga Soth returns to her original body just moments before her execution, uses magic to hold back the flames, remembers “Oh right, I’m supposed to be vengeful,” and destroys Bishop Grogan by dragging him into the fire.
It’s actually the best scene in the movie: well-shot, atmospheric, dramatic. Which of course means it lasts about forty-five seconds before we’re thrown back into the present.
Meanwhile, Alexander retrieves the burning spirit board like a deranged hoarder. Emily finally shoots him, ending the film’s least compelling villain with one anticlimactic bang.
And Christian dies in her arms, concluding an arc that deserved more emotional weight and fewer séance montages.
The Ending: If You Thought It Was Over, You’re New to Horror
Alexander is zipped into a body bag, only to open his eyes at the last second.
This sets up the sequel that absolutely nobody is waiting for, especially after the film’s worldwide gross of $500,798—a number so low it feels like the box office is trying to politely whisper, “Maybe… don’t?”
The final moments show Brooke handing the Vatican the cursed board in exchange for diamonds because apparently the Catholic Church barters for occult artifacts like it’s a medieval pawn shop.
Naturally, the priest begins using the board immediately as Naga Soth appears behind him, clearly ready to ruin anotherfranchise installment.
The Performances: Talented Actors In Search of a Better Script
Madison Iseman tries her best, but the script gives her “wide-eyed panic” and not much else.
Aaron Dominguez’s Christian is sympathetic but so constantly stressed he looks like he’s aging in real time.
Melanie Jarnson’s Brooke is the only character acting with common sense, and naturally the movie gives her zero payoff.
Jamie Campbell Bower devours scenery like the board devours souls, but his performance belongs in a better horror movie.
Charlie Tahan dies in act one, presumably relieved.
Final Verdict: A Film That Summons Spirits… of 80s Clichés and Missed Opportunities
Witchboard isn’t the worst horror remake ever made—not by a long shot. But it is painfully mediocre, aggressively inconsistent, and often unintentionally funny. The ideas are ambitious: witch trials, reincarnation, legacy curses, occult conspiracies.
But the execution?
Like trying to perform a séance using a Walmart Ouija board and stale mushrooms.
It’s stylish in moments, silly in others, and overall a supernatural soup that forgot to simmer.
If you watch it, expect:
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eye-rolling dialogue
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half-baked mythology
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a villain who looks like he moisturizes with black magic
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and a spirit board with more personality than half the cast
Ultimately, Witchboard is a reminder that some relics are better left buried. Or at least not dragged into the woods by a woman looking for mushrooms.
Either way—next time, maybe the board should stay in the museum.
