Welcome to Eerie Strait — Population: Idiots
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if CSI took a field trip to Resident Evil’s least interesting location, look no further than 13 Eerie (2013). Directed by Lowell Dean — in his feature debut, and possibly his last if there’s any justice in cinema — this Canadian zombie outing is less a horror film and more a 90-minute public service announcement against higher education.
It stars a bunch of forensic students, all of whom behave like they got their degrees from the University of Dumb Decisions. Their assignment? A mock field exam on a desolate island that used to be a prison. Their reality? The worst group project since The Blair Witch Project.
Six Students, Zero Brain Cells
Our hapless undergrads include Megan (Katharine Isabelle), Daniel (Brendan Fehr), Josh (Brendan Fletcher), Patrick (Jesse Moss), Kate (Kristie Patterson), and Rob (Michael Eisner — not that one, sadly). Each has a distinct personality: Megan’s the “final girl,” Daniel’s the “brooding guy with a conscience,” and the rest could be replaced with bowling pins for all the difference it would make.
Their professor, Tomkins (Michael Shanks), sends them out to practice forensics by examining fake murder scenes. He monitors them via cameras, because apparently every Canadian university has an island equipped for elaborate zombie pranks. The only rule: “No contact between groups.” Which is great advice until, of course, everyone starts dying and the only working equipment is the audience’s patience.
The Island of Discount Zombies
The first clue that something is wrong? A corpse that refuses to stay politely dead. The second clue? A guy named Larry (Nick Moran), who looks like he’s been living off canned beans and regret, tells them to get off the island. Naturally, they don’t.
Soon the “mock” murders turn into the real deal as the group is stalked by three undead inmates: Skinhead Zombie, Thug Zombie, and Tattoo Zombie. It’s like a 1980s punk band that got booked for the apocalypse.
But these aren’t your sleek, modern zombies. No, these guys look like they crawled out of a thrift store’s clearance bin. They’re slow, dumb, and somehow manage to sneak up on trained forensic scientists — a feat roughly equivalent to a bear surprising a security guard.
Blood, Guts, and Gratuitous Yawns
13 Eerie desperately wants to be gritty and gory, but it ends up feeling like a community theater production of The Walking Dead. Yes, there’s blood. Yes, there are guts. But they’re deployed with all the grace of a ketchup bottle at a barbecue.
When the zombies attack, the characters scream, flail, and make choices that would embarrass a Scooby-Doo villain. Kate gets bitten. Megan finds her. Kate dies. Kate comes back. Megan kills her again. Repeat this process four more times with different names, and congratulations — you’ve got the rest of the movie.
The pacing is so uneven that you half expect a commercial break. Every time the film builds tension, it cuts to Tomkins in his control room, sipping coffee and looking vaguely inconvenienced — like a dad who just realized he left the garage door open.
The Forensics of Stupidity
You’d think forensic students would be good at observation, logic, or at least basic survival. You’d be wrong.
They poke corpses, wander into dark basements, and split up every five minutes. When the communications go down, no one thinks to regroup. When a zombie attacks, someone inevitably drops the weapon or runs in a circle. At one point, a character fires a gun and hits the wrong person. It’s like watching a group of scientists lose a chess match to a stapler.
Even Professor Tomkins, the supposed authority figure, is so inept that you start rooting for the zombies just to improve the gene pool.
Science? Never Heard of It.
The film’s premise — biological experiments on prisoners gone wrong — could’ve been an interesting ethical horror story. Instead, it’s treated like background noise. We’re told in passing that “the government” did “something bad” and that’s why the island’s full of zombies. It’s the cinematic equivalent of “a wizard did it.”
When Captain Veneziano (Lyndon Bray) finally shows up to explain everything, it’s too late. You’re already emotionally checked out, possibly Googling how to escape Canadian film festivals.
The “reveal” — that the professor knew more than he let on — lands with all the impact of a wet paper towel. There’s no twist, no revelation, just the sinking realization that the movie still isn’t over.
The Zombies Deserved Better
It’s a shame, because buried under the bad acting and worse dialogue is a halfway decent idea. The makeup effects are surprisingly good for the budget, with gnarly wounds and impressive prosthetics. The undead look like they’ve been through hell, which, coincidentally, is what watching this movie feels like.
The problem is that the zombies have more personality than the humans. By the halfway mark, you’re genuinely rooting for Tattoo Zombie to eat someone interesting, if only to break up the monotony.
Acting So Wooden It Could Burn in a Fireplace
Katharine Isabelle, usually a standout in horror (Ginger Snaps, American Mary), tries her best here, but she’s trapped in a film that doesn’t know whether it’s a thriller or a biology lecture gone wrong. She spends most of the movie looking alternately confused and disgusted — which, to be fair, might be genuine reactions to the script.
Brendan Fehr and Jesse Moss deliver their lines like they’re reading IKEA assembly instructions. Nick Moran, as Larry, is the only one who seems to understand the movie’s ridiculousness, and he plays it like a man trying to pay off a gambling debt — frenzied but oddly committed.
Michael Shanks, as Professor Tomkins, phones in his performance so hard you can practically hear the long-distance charges.
The Final Act: A Masterclass in Bad Decision-Making
By the time the survivors pile into a school bus and then a prison bus, it’s clear the filmmakers ran out of ideas — and vehicles. There’s a chase, a crash, another chase, and then a zombie somehow ends up with car keys in its mouth, which might be the most creative thing in the film.
The climax is pure chaos: shouting, shooting, and zombies that refuse to die out of sheer spite. The survivors stare off into the distance, terrified, as if realizing they’ll have to sit through editing. Then the movie ends, not with resolution but with the cinematic equivalent of a shrug.
The Real Horror: The Script
The dialogue is a highlight — if you enjoy sentences that sound like they were written during a group hangover. Gems include:
“We need to stay calm!”
“Something’s not right here!”
“Run!”
Profound stuff. Shakespeare weeps.
Every conversation feels like it was stitched together by an AI fed only 1990s direct-to-video scripts. It’s the kind of writing that makes you nostalgic for bad dubbing.
Verdict: 13 Eerie? More Like 13 Errors
At the end of the day, 13 Eerie isn’t scary, suspenseful, or even interesting. It’s a zombie movie without pulse or purpose — a film so devoid of tension that even the undead would take a nap halfway through.
It has all the ingredients for a good B-movie — a creepy setting, a capable cast, and a decent premise — but instead of embracing camp or crafting tension, it lumbers through every cliché like a zombie late for its own funeral.
It’s not the worst horror film ever made, but it might be the most forgettable.
Verdict: ★★☆☆☆
13 Eerie is less “Eerie” and more “Mildly Annoying.” A film so brain-dead it could’ve been one of its own extras. Bring snacks, a pillow, and maybe a silver bullet for mercy.
