Ah, Don’t Go in the Woods, the cinematic equivalent of being mauled by a raccoon while tripping over your own shoelaces—brutal, messy, and somehow unintentionally hilarious. This 1981 “slasher” is less a suspenseful thriller and more a nature hike through the director’s budget spreadsheet. James Bryan and Garth Eliassen apparently decided, “Let’s take every cliché from Friday the 13th, throw in some inexplicable decapitations, and add a baby with a hatchet for good measure.” Genius. Or insanity. Probably both.
The plot is, in the most charitable way, a series of unfortunate wandering incidents. People run, people scream, and people die in ways that make IKEA manuals look like Shakespeare. The “villain” is a fur-wearing maniac whose only personality trait is stabbing anything that moves, which makes him terrifying if you’re a tree. Victims include a bird watcher, a honeymoon couple, and a man in a wheelchair—because nothing says “slasher classic” like socially conscious murder, right? The film even gives us a final image of a toddler alone in the woods with a hatchet. I can only assume this was meant to instill fear, but mostly it just made me wonder why this child hasn’t been given a safety briefing.
The kills are… inventive, if you consider “throwing Dick’s body through a van window” and “wrapping Craig in a plastic sheet like expired deli meat” inventive. Suspense is attempted with campfire tension, but mostly it looks like the actors are just confused by the trees. Dialogue is sparse and awkward, like the cast was collectively thinking, “Do we have lines, or do we just scream?”—and in this film, screaming is basically a character.
Pacing? Imagine a roller coaster that mostly rolls uphill at two miles per hour while someone occasionally yells “Run!”The plot meanders from one death to another with all the logic of a squirrel on meth. And the cinematography? Let’s just say the Rocky Mountains are beautiful, but the camera’s idea of framing is apparently anywhere except where the actors are standing.
By the time the search party shows up, it’s hard to care who survives. Peter escapes, Ingrid hunts, Joanne dies, and a baby apparently graduates from the Junior Assassins program. The film’s claim to infamy—the UK “video nasty” ban—makes sense. It’s the kind of movie you ban not because it’s scary, but because it’s terrifying in its incompetence.
Verdict: Don’t Go in the Woods is the slasher equivalent of a root canal performed by a raccoon. It’s brutal, confusing, occasionally funny, and will leave you asking, “Why did I just watch 80 minutes of people wandering in circles while getting stabbed?” If you want a horror film that tests your patience, your comprehension, and your faith in humanity, congratulations: this is your Everest.
Cast Jack McClelland as Peter Mary Gail Artz as Ingrid James P. Hayden as Craig Angie Brown as Joanne Ken Carter as Sheriff David Barth as Deputy Benson Larry Roupe as Store Owner Amy Martell as Artist’s Child Tom Drury as Maniac Laura Trefts as Doctor Maggie Victims Alma Ramos as Running Girl Carolyn Braza as Cherry Frank Clitus Muller as Dick Mc Cormick Dalten as Bird Watcher Cecelia Fannon as Lady Artist Dale Angell as Tourist at Falls Ruth Grose as Tourist’s Mother Hank Zinman as Fisherman Leon Brown Jr. as Camper in sleeping bag Linda Brown as Camper in sleeping bag Gerry Klein as Man in wheelchair Tom Ruff as Man in tree
