There are bad movies, and then there’s Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, a cinematic experience so dark—literally—that you could stare at a blank TV screen and have the same viewing experience. This wasn’t just a horror movie. This was a war crime against both franchises, a film that took two of cinema’s greatest monsters and said, “What if we just let them wrestle in a broom closet with the lights off, then drop a nuke on Christmas?”
Opening: Space Uber Accident
The film picks up where the 2004 Alien vs. Predator left off, which is like saying food poisoning picks up where Taco Bell left off. The Predator ship crashes in Gunnison, Colorado, releasing a Predalien—a hybrid that’s supposed to be terrifying but looks like someone stapled dreadlocks onto a rejected Jurassic Park raptor model.
Meanwhile, the Predators back home send Wolf, their “cleaner,” which is Predator-speak for “guy with no friends who deletes browser history.” Wolf’s mission is to clean up the mess, exterminate the aliens, and ensure no one realizes how dumb this movie actually is. Spoiler: he fails.
Meet the Humans: Disposable Extras
This movie tries to give us “characters” but really just hands out cannon fodder in hoodies.
-
Dallas Howard: Ex-con, trying to reconnect with his kid brother Ricky. His main personality trait? Brooding while people around him get slaughtered.
-
Ricky: A high school kid bullied for daring to exist. He’s also in love with Jesse, the town’s designated hot girl with no agency.
-
Kelly O’Brien: A soldier mom who just got back from deployment and immediately regrets it when the PTA is replaced by facehuggers.
-
Sheriff Morales: A man whose only job is to look stressed while admitting he has no idea what’s happening.
You could swap out any of these characters for a bag of wet laundry and the story wouldn’t change.
The Real Villain: Darkness
The Brothers Strause directed this movie, but I’m pretty sure their DP was a cave troll. The film is so poorly lit that you’ll be leaning forward, squinting, muttering, “Wait, was that an Alien or just a fern?” Every fight scene looks like someone smeared Vaseline on the lens and filmed in a coal mine at midnight.
When Wolf and the Xenomorphs square off in the sewers, you’d think it would be an epic set piece. Instead, it’s like listening to a podcast of monsters fighting: splashes, growls, and the occasional Wilhelm scream in total darkness.
The “Plot”: Who Ordered Chaos With a Side of Nuke?
Wolf stomps around Gunnison like a Predator janitor, melting corpses with acid and upgrading his weapons like he’s in a Call of Duty loadout screen. The Predalien, meanwhile, is running around impregnating women like a frat boy with a facehugger kink.
The aliens spread through the town faster than COVID at spring break, and the military response is to cordon off the area, lie to civilians, and then nuke it. Yes—someone in a boardroom actually pitched, “What if the solution is just to blow up Colorado?” and everyone nodded.
By the finale, Wolf and the Predalien kill each other on a rooftop brawl that looks like two cosplayers punching in a thunderstorm. The nuke wipes out the town, the survivors barely escape, and the government steals Predator tech like it’s prepping for AVP: Wall Street.
Characters You’ll Forget Before the Credits
Jesse, Ricky’s love interest, exists solely to die via Predator shuriken. Dale, her bully boyfriend, also gets whacked. The O’Briens? Dad’s killed off, mom and daughter make it through, proving once again that nuclear fireballs build character.
The script doesn’t even pretend to flesh anyone out. Everyone is a walking trope: “the convict,” “the nerdy brother,” “the soldier mom.” It’s like watching an improv troupe audition for a slasher film but forgetting their lines.
Horror Elements: Now With 30% More Pregnancy Trauma!
The film does try to shock you, but mostly in ways that make you feel gross, not scared. Remember when the Predalien impregnates a whole maternity ward of women with chestbursters? Yeah. That’s this film’s idea of edgy. Not tension, not atmosphere—just “what if we ruined pregnancy forever?” Bravo. Nothing screams holiday release like alien uterine horror. Merry Christmas, kids!
The Action: Like Watching Two Cats Fight Under a Blanket
You’d think Alien vs. Predator would deliver wall-to-wall monster mayhem, right? Wrong. Every battle is filmed like the cameraman fell into a washing machine. Predator weapons get some fun moments—acid bombs, laser nets—but most fights are just sound effects and the occasional tail stabbing. The Predalien is supposed to be a next-level nightmare but spends most of its time standing around like it’s waiting for a bus.
Even the final duel between Wolf and Predalien fizzles. Both stab each other, then a nuke wipes them out. That’s the cinematic equivalent of cooking all day only to order pizza because you burned the turkey.
Dark Humor Highlight Reel
-
Sheriff Morales looking like he’s in a Hallmark movie while aliens disembowel his deputies.
-
Wolf melting corpses with acid, which is less Predator assassin and more Predator janitor.
-
The townsfolk treating an alien invasion like a mild inconvenience, as if they’ve dealt with raccoons in the trash before.
-
The military’s “evacuation plan” being: lie to civilians, lure them to the center of town, then nuke them. FEMA would be proud.
Final Thoughts: Requiem for Competence
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem is proof that just because you have two iconic monsters doesn’t mean you’ll have a good movie. Instead of suspense, we got sludge. Instead of action, we got shadows. Instead of a climax, we got a tactical nuke.
It’s a film that somehow manages to insult both franchises, human intelligence, and the very concept of lighting. It’s less a movie and more a cinematic dare: “How long can you squint before giving up?”
The irony? The scariest thing about this film isn’t the aliens, or the Predator, or even the Predalien hybrid. It’s the realization that someone gave The Brothers Strause $40 million to make it. That, my friends, is true horror.
Final Score: 1.5 out of 5 melted corpses. Watch it only if you want to appreciate just how good the original Alien and Predator films were—or if you’ve ever wanted to know what nuclear winter looks like at Christmas.
