Directed by Deran Sarafian | Starring Brendan Hughes, Sydney Walsh, Amanda Wyss, Scott Jacoby Alternate Title That Would’ve Been More Honest:“Bram Stoker’s Waste of Time” Once upon a time, someone tried to make a sexy vampire thriller on a budget that couldn’t afford garlic, let alone fangs. The result was To Die For (1988), a … Read More “To Die For (1988): Softcore Satanism for the Late-Night, Half-Asleep Crowd” »
Directed by Savage Steve Holland | Starring John Cusack, Diane Franklin, Amanda Wyss, Curtis Armstrong Tagline Should’ve Been:“Heartbreak. Hilarity. Hallucinations. And a hamburger that sings Van Halen.” Welcome to the gloriously deranged, wildly creative, and borderline unhinged world of Better Off Dead—a teen comedy so off the rails it makes Ferris Bueller look like a … Read More “Better Off Dead (1985): A Suicide Comedy So Weird, It Lives Forever” »
Directed by Scott McGinnis | Starring Mia Sara, Clayton Rohner, Tim Daly, Paul Le Mat Tagline Should’ve Been:“She had a secret… and it was bad acting.” In the sweaty, neon-soaked wasteland of ‘90s erotic thrillers—where plot goes to die and every saxophone wail signals a wardrobe malfunction—Caroline at Midnight stumbles in wearing lingerie and a … Read More “Caroline at Midnight (1994): A Steamy Pile of Cinemax Garbage” »
Directed by Bernard Rose | Starring Virginia Madsen, Tony Todd, Vanessa Williams The Setup: Urban Legends and Academia—A Match Made in Horror Hell Candyman opens with the kind of earnest academic nonsense that only exists in horror movies or very expensive liberal arts schools. Helen Lyle (Virginia Madsen), a grad student with more curiosity than … Read More “Candyman (1992): Say His Name—But Maybe Just Once, Because After That It Gets Weird” »
Let’s not sugarcoat it: Jade is the erotic thriller that forgot the “erotic” and tripped over the “thriller.” It’s the cinematic equivalent of watching someone try to be sexy while giving a TED Talk about paint samples. This 1995 embarrassment is slick, sweaty, and dumber than a sack of doorknobs, written by Joe Eszterhas—he of … Read More “Jade (1995): David Caruso’s Leather Jacket and Other Things That Should Be Arrested” »
Directed by Dennis Hopper | Starring Don Johnson, Virginia Madsen, Jennifer Connelly Tagline Should’ve Been:“Watch Paint Sweat!” Let’s get this out of the way up front: The Hot Spot is not hot. It’s tepid, bloated, and moves like it’s sedated. If you put on this movie expecting a sultry neo-noir thriller, you’ll instead get Don … Read More “The Hot Spot (1990): A Slow-Burn Noir That Forgot the Fire” »
TV Movie | Directed by Roger Spottiswoode | Starring Treat Williams, Virginia Madsen, CCH Pounder Plot: Steamy Setup, Lukewarm Execution The title Third Degree Burn promises heat. Passion. Danger. Maybe some stylish arson. Instead, what you get is 90 minutes of tepid bathwater with two leads who have the chemistry of roommates at a DMV … Read More “Third Degree Burn (1989): A Soggy Noir That Couldn’t Even Scorch Toast” »
Directed by Michael Dinner | Starring Bobcat Goldthwait, Dabney Coleman, and a Horse with Better Timing Than the Script The Premise: Glue-Grade Insanity In Hot to Trot, Bobcat Goldthwait plays Fred Chaney, a guy who inherits a talking horse named Don. And Don? He’s a stock market genius. Let that sink in. If that sentence … Read More “Hot to Trot (1988): A Talking Horse, a Dying Career, and the Neigh-pocalypse of Comedy” »
TV Movie | Directed by Lloyd Fonvielle | Starring Tommy Lee Jones, Virginia Madsen, Colin Bruce Plot Summary: Ghosts, Grit, and Madsen in Silk If you ever wanted to watch Chinatown on a budget while drinking boxed wine in a smoky motel, Gotham (the 1988 TV movie, not the Batman prequel) might just scratch that … Read More “Gotham (1988): Dead Women Don’t Wear Plaid, But They Do Smolder” »
Directed by Danny Huston | Starring Anthony Edwards, Robert Mitchum, Lauren Bacall, Anjelica Huston The Plot: A Breeze Blows into Newport—and Immediately Puts You to Sleep Mr. North is one of those movies that arrives with a puff of polite literary air and a cast list that makes you think, Maybe this will be a … Read More “Mr. North (1988): A Polite, Preppy Snoozefest in Pastel Slacks” »
