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Directed by Art Linson | Written by Cameron Crowe | Starring Chris Penn, Ilan Mitchell-Smith, Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson, Jenny Wright, Rick Moranis Imagine if Fast Times at Ridgemont High got hit in the head with a surfboard and forgot why it was cool. That’s The Wild Life—a movie that desperately wants to be edgy, … Read More “The Wild Life (1984): The Mild Life, Brought to You by Discount Cameron Crowe” »

Directed by John Milius | Starring Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, and a whole lot of machine guns If America ever had a collective cold war nightmare after eating a gas station burrito at 2 a.m., it would look a lot like Red Dawn. This 1984 action-pocalypse is pure, … Read More “Red Dawn (1984): The Most Patriotic Fever Dream Ever Filmed” »

All the Right Moves (1983): All the Wrong EverythingDirected by Michael Chapman | Starring Tom Cruise, Craig T. Nelson, Lea Thompson Let’s get this out of the way: All the Right Moves is not about dance, karate, or any remotely interesting moves. It’s about football—high school football, no less. And not the kind of football … Read More “All the Right Moves (1983) : All the Wrong Everything” »

Directed by Joe Alves | Starring Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr., and a shark rendered in pure shame There’s bad sequels, and then there’s Jaws 3-D—a movie so creatively bankrupt it doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a colon. This is the film that took one of the greatest cinematic thrillers of all … Read More “Jaws 3-D (1983): The Shark That Jumped the Shark—In Three Dimensions of Suck” »

Directed by Pat Proft | Starring Leslie Nielsen, Kelly LeBrock, Michael York, Richard Crenna If Wrongfully Accused were a person, it would be the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving who tries to retell The Fugitive using sock puppets and fart jokes. And everyone just politely sips their wine, waiting for it to end. This movie is … Read More “Wrongfully Accused (1998): A Crime Against Comedy” »

Directed by Jim Wynorski | Starring Matt McCoy, Kelly LeBrock, Kimberly Kelley, Rochelle Swanson There are spaghetti westerns. Then there are meatloaf westerns—cheap, lumpy, and mostly filler. Hard Bounty is firmly in the latter camp. This 1995 direct-to-video trainwreck rides into town with all the swagger of a dollar-store Clint Eastwood and proceeds to unload … Read More “Hard Bounty (1995): Saddlebags, Sideboob, and the Softcore Western Nobody Asked For” »

Directed by Strathford Hamilton | Starring Helen Slater, Billy Zane, Kelly LeBrock There are bad thrillers, and then there are thrillers so generic they could be sold in bulk next to off-brand cereal. Betrayal of the Dove is one such specimen—a film that dares to ask, “What if Sleeping with the Enemy got lobotomized and … Read More “Betrayal of the Dove (1993): The Suspense is Missing, but At Least There’s Feathered Symbolism” »

Directed by Bruce Malmuth | Starring Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, William Sadler If you’ve ever wanted to watch a man wake up from a coma, grow a beard like a vengeful raccoon, and then break more bones than a Greek wedding—congratulations, you’re Steven Seagal’s ideal audience. Hard to Kill is one of those quintessential Seagal … Read More “Hard to Kill (1990): Seagal in a Coma, and the Script Should’ve Stayed There” »

Directed by and starring Gene Wilder | Also starring Kelly LeBrock, Gilda Radner, Charles Grodin There are movies that age like fine wine… and then there’s The Woman in Red, a film that ages like potato salad left in the sun at a 1980s office picnic. It’s a sex farce for the dad-bod demographic, directed … Read More “The Woman in Red (1984): Midlife Crisis in a Red Dress” »