Or: “When the Budget’s Low, the Ghost is Angry, and the Brunette is Smoking” Not Quite Dead, But Not Exactly Alive Either Twice Dead is one of those movies that feels like it was made on a dare—probably involving a six-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and a late-night conversation that started with, “You know what’d … Read More “Twice Dead (1988): Haunted House, Killer Ghost, and One Gorgeous Whitlow” »
Or: “When Your Movie Has a Ghost, a Puppet, a Nazi Robot, and Still Manages to Be Boring” Haunted by Bad Ideas Ghost Chase is a movie that feels like it was conceived during a sugar crash in a Spencer’s Gifts. Directed by Roland Emmerich—yes, Independence Day Emmerich, back before he started blowing up the … Read More “Ghost Chase (1987): Who Ya Gonna Call? Literally Anyone Else.” »
Or: “Thrill Me, Chill Me, and Show Me Jill Whitlow” It’s the 1950s. No—Wait. It’s the ’80s. Never Mind, It’s Perfect. Night of the Creeps is the kind of movie that walks into your life with a beer in one hand, a flamethrower in the other, and a half-dressed co-ed on its arm. It’s dumb … Read More “Night of the Creeps (1986): Zombies, Slugs, and a Brunette Bombshell” »
Or: “How to Weaponize a Semi-Truck and Still Bore an Audience” The Thunder That Whimpers You’d think a movie about an old Vietnam vet driving a bomb-rigged semi-truck through the desert while being chased by domestic terrorists would be fun. Hell, it sounds like a glorious slab of drive-in chaos. Guns! Explosions! Gritty one-liners! Instead, … Read More “Thunder Run (1986): Maximum Explosions, Minimum Brain Cells” »
Or: “When Two Nerds Made a Babe With a Computer and Our Teenage Brains Never Recovered” The Stuff Wet Dreams and 8-Bit Fantasies Are Made Of Let’s not pretend Weird Science is subtle. It’s not trying to be Citizen Kane. It’s not trying to teach you a life lesson about emotional growth or gender dynamics. … Read More “Weird Science (1985): Hormones, Hilarity, and a Woman Built Like a Ferrari” »
Or: “The One Where Cher Outacts Everyone, and a Teen With a Rare Condition Outshines the Whole Damn World” Not Just Another Teen Movie In a decade where teen films were mostly about losing virginity before prom (Porky’s, Revenge of the Nerds, Sixteen Candles), Mask showed up with something deeper. It didn’t need lasers, talking … Read More “Mask (1985): A Face Worth Remembering, A Story Worth Telling” »
Or: “How a Peephole, a Prank, and a Pork Joint Redefined Lowbrow Comedy” Welcome to Angel Beach High, Population: Horny Let’s get this out of the way early—Porky’s is not high art. It’s not even medium art. This is a movie where one of the main dramatic arcs involves a group of teenage boys trying … Read More “Porky’s (1981): Boners, Bullies, and the Birth of the American Raunchfest” »
Or: “How to Whack a Movie in Broad Daylight” Leave the Cannoli, Take the Shame Gotti (2018) is like being told a bedtime story by a guy who’s had ten Red Bulls, watched Goodfellas once on TNT, and thinks “RICO” is a guy he met at the deli. Directed by Kevin Connolly—yes, E from Entourage—and … Read More “Gotti (2018): The Hit That Missed” »
Or: “The Year John Travolta Declared War on Coherent Filmmaking” Welcome to Craplantis If Battlefield Earth were a sentient being, it would apologize as you walked into the theater. It wouldn’t even wait for you to sit down. It would greet you at the door with a stale cup of popcorn, whisper “I’m so sorry,” … Read More “Battlefield Earth (2000): Scientology’s Cinematic Colonoscopy” »
Or: “How I Learned to Hate Baseball, Romance, and Kevin Costner All in One Sitting” Swing and a Miss Some movies are slow burns. Others are slow bleeds. For the Love of the Game is a cinematic coma—one long, meandering sigh of a film that dribbles across the plate like a bunt with two outs … Read More “For the Love of the Game (1999): When the Pitch is Slower Than the Plot” »
