The Original Had Atmosphere – This One Has… Sweat and Bowie
Paul Schrader’s Cat People remake isn’t so much a tribute to the 1942 classic as it is a long, sultry, and weirdly humid fever dream about incestuous panther shapeshifters in New Orleans. It takes a story of subtle menace and mystery and replaces it with Malcolm McDowell looking like he’s about to seduce a ham sandwich, Nastassja Kinski staring into the middle distance, and a lot of unnecessary nudity that feels like it’s trying to win a bet.
Sure, Giorgio Moroder’s synth score and David Bowie’s title song give it some style, but that’s like putting a diamond collar on a feral alley cat—it’s still going to bite you, and you’re still going to regret getting close.
The Plot: Cats, but Make It Horny and Incestuous
The movie opens with some vaguely artsy prehistoric ritual in which women are tied up for panther mating purposes. Fast forward to the present, and Irena (Kinski) shows up in New Orleans to meet her estranged brother Paul (McDowell). Within minutes, he’s hitting on her like they’re auditioning for The Jerry Springer Show: Werecat Edition.
The family secret? They’re part of a rare breed of werecats who only stay human if they mate with each other. Sleep with a regular human and—poof!—you turn into a black panther. The only way to change back? Murder. It’s like a curse from a rejected Anne Rice manuscript that got rewritten by a horny teenager.
Oliver: The Least Convincing Hero Ever
John Heard’s Oliver is a zoo curator who falls for Irena after catching her loitering near the panther cage. Instead of thinking, “Hmm, this girl might be into bestiality or at least has a very niche fetish,” he offers her a job at the zoo gift shop. His romantic approach mostly consists of polite small talk, awkward dinners, and ignoring the fact that his ex Alice (Annette O’Toole) is still hanging around like a golden retriever hoping to be adopted.
Oliver’s eventual decision to sleep with Irena, knowing full well she might turn into a murderous jungle cat mid-coitus, suggests that the man has a death wish—or at least a very reckless bucket list.
Paul: Creepy, Sleazy, and… Somehow Not the Weirdest Part
Malcolm McDowell leans into the role of Paul like he’s auditioning for Pantherhouse 5. He’s charming in that please-don’t-leave-me-alone-with-him way, slinking around with a smirk that suggests he’s constantly imagining you as dinner. His whole deal is trying to convince his sister that incest is not only normal but their moral duty as werecats, which is… a choice.
It’s telling that the most believable thing about his character is that he spends half the movie as an actual caged animal.
Special Effects: Fur, Slime, and More Fur
When the movie finally decides to go horror, it goes for full body-melting transformations, goo puddles, and green mist erupting from autopsy tables. Some of it looks decent; most of it looks like someone left the effects budget out in the Louisiana sun until it curdled. The panther form is basically “big cat at the zoo” footage, which might have worked better if it didn’t feel like every scene was stolen from a National Geographic VHS.
The Sex Scenes: Schrader’s Sweaty Catnip
The sexual tension is less “erotic thriller” and more “uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner that turns into a Cinemax movie.” Kinski spends half the film nude or nearly nude, which Schrader treats like a cinematic mission statement. The eventual big sex scene between Oliver and Irena—where she’s tied to the bed so she doesn’t maul him—feels less like passion and more like a very high-risk OSHA violation.
The Ending: Romantic Zoo Captivity
By the end, Oliver’s solved his love triangle problem by keeping Irena in a cage at the zoo. He hand-feeds her like a domesticated predator while Alice—who somehow decided this guy is worth dating again—watches from the wings. It’s supposed to be tragic and romantic; it mostly plays like a Dateline NBC episode about a man who refuses to let go of his dangerous ex.
Final Thoughts: Cat Fancy for the Deranged
Cat People (1982) wants to be a sensual, moody gothic horror, but it ends up as a sweaty, slow-moving family therapy session that just happens to involve man-eating felines. It’s weirdly watchable for all the wrong reasons, and if nothing else, it proves that Schrader can make anything uncomfortably sexual—including panthers.
