Sin, Forensics, and the Catholic Guilt Trip of the Year If Smaller and Smaller Circles were a person, it’d be that one Jesuit professor who terrifies you with his intellect, heals your soul with empathy, and then gently reminds you that life, like Payatas, is just a mountain of garbage occasionally hiding something sacred. Raya … Read More ““Smaller and Smaller Circles” — A Murder Mystery That Cuts Deeper Than Flesh” »
When Sharks Fly, Logic Dies Let’s begin with a confession: I did not expect Sharknado 5: Global Swarming to be good. I did, however, expect it to be fun. I thought maybe, just maybe, it would deliver the same cheap-thrill, drunk-at-2-a.m. joy that comes from watching sharks whip through the air while Ian Ziering yells … Read More ““Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” — Proof That Humanity Deserves Extinction” »
The Horror Is in the Watching Some horror movies get under your skin. Others make your skin crawl. A Room to Die For (also known, hilariously, as Rancour) manages a rarer feat: it makes your skin pack a bag, move to another body, and change its name to avoid being associated with what you’ve just … Read More ““A Room to Die For” — A Horror Movie So Boring You’ll Beg for Death Just to Escape It” »
The Serial Killer Who Needed Better Writing (and Therapy) There are movies about killers who stalk their prey, torment their victims, and chill your bones. Then there’s Rock, Paper, Scissors (a.k.a. Rock Paper Dead, 2017), a film so lethargic it could only terrify someone who’s never seen a screen before. Directed by Tom Holland — … Read More ““Rock, Paper, Scissors” — A Thriller So Flat, You’ll Wish for Scissors to End It” »
Welcome to Suburbia: Population, Poorly Written People Every now and then, a film comes along that makes you question not just its characters’ sanity, but your own for watching it. Restraint (2017), written and directed by Adam Cushman, is that cinematic fever dream — a psychological horror so subdued it feels less like a movie … Read More ““Restraint” — A Horror Film So Repressed It Forgot to Be Scary” »
Bienvenue à l’Enfer Québécois If you think the zombie genre has nothing new to offer — that every undead story has been done to death — then Ravenous (Les Affamés, 2017) politely saunters in from rural Quebec, politely removes its toque, and proceeds to eat that assumption alive. Written and directed by Robin Aubert, this … Read More ““Ravenous” — The Quiet Apocalypse You Can’t Stop Chewing On” »
The Curse of the Bad Horror Movie There’s a special place in cinematic purgatory reserved for horror movies that manage to be both confusing and dull — a place where ghosts yawn, jump scares miss their cue, and the audience quietly checks their phones to see how much longer this haunting will last. Pwera Usog … Read More ““Pwera Usog” — A Curse So Boring, Even the Ghost Wants Out” »
Welcome to Phoenix: Where the Lights Are Bright and the Teens Are Missing There are two types of found footage films: those that make you want to turn off your flashlight and give up on humanity (The Gallows, Paranormal Activity 6), and those that quietly sneak up on you, beam you into their eerie atmosphere, … Read More ““Phoenix Forgotten” — Found Footage That Finally Finds Its Groove (and Maybe Aliens)” »
The Curse of the Shared Universe There are cinematic disasters, and then there’s The Mummy (2017) — the kind of film that feels less like a reboot and more like an elaborate cry for help from an industry executive haunted by the ghost of cinematic universes past. Directed by Alex Kurtzman and co-written by approximately … Read More ““The Mummy” — Tomb It May Concern” »
Welcome to Mt. Jang: Population, Unresolved Trauma If you thought the scariest thing about parenthood was stepping on a LEGO at 2 a.m., The Mimic (2017) begs to differ. Written and directed by Huh Jung (Hide and Seek), this South Korean horror gem takes grief, guilt, and the very real fear of bad babysitting, and … Read More ““The Mimic” — When Your Grief, a Ghost, and a Tiger Spirit Move in Together” »