If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Weird Science and One Million Years B.C. had an illegitimate child and left it on the steps of a Cinemax After Dark channel, the answer is Cavegirl. This 1985 sex comedy manages to be both prehistoric and painfully dated at the same time, like a VHS tape that’s been microwaved. It stars Daniel Roebuck as Rex, a bumbling high school nerd who gets transported back to caveman times to pursue a woman with the enthusiasm of a horny golden retriever.
The Plot: Or, “Sperg Wants Cave Sex”
The story is so thin you could roll it up and smoke it. Rex, your standard-issue 80s geek (big glasses, zero charisma, voice that sounds spergy), wanders into a cave on a school trip. Instead of finding, say, educational value, he finds a magic crystal that opens a time portal. Forget physics—this movie thinks geology doubles as a horny time machine.
On the other side of the portal? Cavemen. Enter Eba (Cindy Ann Thompson), who is certainly attractive, the kind of “stone age dream girl” who could probably get on the cover of Caveman Maxim if such a thing existed. She’s bronzed, fit, and perpetually dressed in what looks like a strategically torn bikini from the Betty Rubble Intimates collection. Unfortunately, she’s written with less depth than a Playboy caption, and about as much dialogue as a screensaver. She’s a trophy, not a character, the prehistoric prize in a movie that mistakes ogling for storytelling.
Rex spends the rest of the film trying to get her into bed, because the only thing stronger than his acne is his horniness. Every scene with Eba is essentially a slow pan over her body while Rex stammers like a grown man still stuck in puberty.
The hijinks include food fights, misunderstandings, and “comedy” caveman behavior that makes The Flintstones look like Shakespeare. The climax (pun very much intended) is Rex bumbling through prehistoric life while trying to prove to Eba that awkwardness is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
The Characters: Evolutionary Dead Ends
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Rex (Daniel Roebuck): Our “hero” looks less like a leading man and more like the guy you see manning the counter at RadioShack. His defining traits are cowardice, stupidity and horniness. The film wants us to root for him, but honestly, extinction feels like the better option.
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Eba (Cindy Ann Thompson): Essentially a bikini stuffed into human form. She’s less a character and more a walking excuse for male wish-fulfillment. The script gives her about as much agency as a mannequin at a mall display.
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The Cavemen: Named things like Argh, Char, and Dar, because even Captain Caveman had more creativity. Their sole purpose is to grunt, chase women, and make you wish Neanderthals had died off sooner.
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Brenda (Stacey Q): Making her film debut, she’s barely in it, but compared to everyone else, she is comparable to Meryl Streep.
The Comedy: Evolution in Reverse
Cavegirl bills itself as a sex comedy. The problem is, it’s neither sexy nor funny. The jokes are mostly slapstick pratfalls or tired nerd tropes. Rex falls down. Rex says something dumb. Rex ogles boobs. Repeat for 90 minutes until you start praying for the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.
As for the “sexy” part: the film is as erotic as a tax audit. There’s nudity, yes, but it’s the cinematic equivalent of finding a torn Playboy in a ditch. Nothing about it is alluring, and it’s all undercut by Rex’s sweaty awkwardness. Every “romantic” scene feels like an HR violation waiting to happen.
The Time Travel Logic: Don’t Think Too Hard
Science in Cavegirl is a concept as extinct as the dodo. Crystals open time portals, cavemen speak English when convenient, and Rex never once worries about butterfly-effect paradoxes. Instead, he’s laser-focused on his singular goal: proving that nerds deserve sex too. Meanwhile, I was focused on the paradox of how this film ever got made.
The Cinematography: Cave Paintings Were Better
Shot with all the grace of a community-college project, the film’s visuals look like they were lit with flashlights stolen from a camping store. The cave sets are Styrofoam nightmares, the exteriors look like abandoned quarries, and the costumes are just enough to make Halloween Spirit embarrassed. Even Quest for Fire—which had actual cavemen in unintelligible grunts—felt more realistic.
The Legacy: Thankfully, None
Unlike Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds, Cavegirl never became a cult classic. It didn’t launch careers, it didn’t inspire a franchise, and it didn’t even get a nostalgic DVD box set with “special features.” The only legacy it left was probably a few lawsuits from people who tripped over VHS tapes of it in clearance bins.
Daniel Roebuck went on to have a decent acting career (The Fugitive, Lost, etc.), but whenever Cavegirl comes up, he probably stares into the distance and whispers, “I was young, I needed the money.”
The Verdict: Survival of the Dimmest
If Darwin was right, then Cavegirl should have gone extinct in 1985. It’s a film that thinks awkward sexual frustration is hilarious and that comedy works best when it’s clubbed over the head. Watching it feels like a missing link in cinema evolution—the part where humans tried to make art and instead made 90 minutes of cinematic cave graffiti.
