Introduction
You know what they say, “Never trust a man who lives alone on an isolated island with a creepy lighthouse.” But Cold Skin (2017) doesn’t just warn you about this rule—it drags you through a series of horrific, absurd, and occasionally humorous events that make you wonder why anyone would willingly set foot on a place where the only things more dangerous than the island’s inhabitants are your own bad decisions. Directed by Xavier Gens, Cold Skin is an atmospheric tale where PTSD, dysfunctional relationships, and amphibious sea monsters collide in an explosive mixture of dread and dark humor. If you enjoy films that are part survival thriller, part psychological drama, and part “wait, what just happened?” this movie is for you.
Plot: Welcome to the Worst Job Interview Ever
Imagine this: You’re a young, eager weather observer, arriving on a remote island in the South Atlantic in 1914. The idea is simple—keep an eye on the weather. But of course, this is a horror movie, so the real weather forecast is “100% chance of terrifying sea creatures, a man with serious anger issues, and a whole lot of bad choices.” The protagonist, known simply as “Friend” (played by David Oakes), arrives to find his predecessor’s diary, which reads like the most disturbing travel blog of all time. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t end with “Best beach vacation ever!” Instead, it’s more of a “Here’s how to get attacked by fish people while dealing with a PTSD-ridden lighthouse keeper.”
Now, let’s talk about Gruner (Ray Stevenson), the lighthouse keeper with an inexplicably high tolerance for isolation and poor life decisions. His idea of a good time? Trying to coerce the protagonist into helping him fend off attacks from creepy, amphibious sea creatures. Also, he’s got a captive mermaid hybrid, Aneris (Aura Garrido), whom he keeps around like an oddly abusive pet. But don’t worry, Gruner isn’t just a full-blown sociopath—he’s also a guy who secretly cries while looking at old photos of his dead wife. Classic tragic villain stuff, really.
Things really start to go off the rails when “Friend” begins to see that these creatures aren’t just mindless monsters. No, no—turns out they’re more misunderstood than your typical high school bully. The creatures just want Aneris back, and Gruner’s weird obsession with her isn’t helping anyone. Meanwhile, “Friend” spends his days desperately trying to outthink, outfight, and outlast the bizarre, claustrophobic nightmare that is this island. And let’s not forget the most important element of this movie: sea monsters that look like something out of a nightmare after eating a bad fish taco.
The Characters: A Masterclass in Bad Life Choices
First, we have Friend, who’s not much of a “friend” to anyone, least of all himself. I mean, let’s be honest here—anyone who walks into a situation where a guy is living alone on an island with a disturbing obsession with a sea creature, and thinks, “Yeah, this seems like a safe place to take a vacation,” clearly didn’t read the fine print in the job description. “Friend,” however, seems to think that by talking to Gruner like he’s rational, they can work this thing out. What follows is a series of increasingly ridiculous events, with Friend making all the wrong moves. Like a seasoned pro, he befriends the sociopathic Gruner, thinks a captive mermaid can be reasoned with, and assumes that staying in the lighthouse won’t end with him fighting off sea monsters on a nightly basis. Classic rookie mistakes.
Gruner, on the other hand, is the kind of person who would definitely lock you outside during a monster attack just to teach you “a lesson in survival.” He’s emotionally unavailable, socially inept, and really bad at interpersonal relationships—basically a walking example of why you shouldn’t isolate yourself with creepy sea creatures unless you’re fully prepared to lose all semblance of sanity. At one point, Gruner even tries to have Friend killed while they’re out diving for dynamite. Yes, you read that right. This guy tries to murder his only ally because, well, why not? Being stuck on an island is hard, I guess.
Then there’s Aneris, the mermaid hybrid, who has about as much personality as a fish out of water (pun intended). She spends her time being shuffled between Gruner and Friend, occasionally getting into situations where she might be sexually exploited, which, y’know, is a great way to start a healthy relationship with the creatures of the sea. It’s safe to say she doesn’t exactly give off the “free-spirited, independent mermaid” vibe you might expect from a creature of the sea. Instead, she’s more of a passive pawn in the island’s dysfunctional power dynamics, but at least she gets to sing a little and occasionally escape Gruner’s control. It’s something.
The Creatures: The Worst Party Crashers Ever
Let’s be real: the sea creatures in Cold Skin aren’t exactly winning any “Best Creature Design” awards. Sure, they look creepy enough in the dark, but once you get a good look at them in full light, they start to resemble that one friend who always takes way too long to explain their complicated backstory at a party. There’s a lot of weird posturing and a little bit of menace, but mostly it’s just a lot of awkward staring and grunting from these sea monsters. The creatures seem more like extras in a bad sci-fi movie, looking like they might have gotten lost on their way to an underwater rave.
These creatures’ attempts to break into the lighthouse are laughable at best. Imagine a bunch of heavily armed villagers in a horror film, only instead of coming at you with pitchforks, they have flippers and gills. Honestly, they try so hard to make an impact, but the whole thing just feels like a fish tank that’s seen better days.
The Ending: Wait, That’s It?
In true horror movie fashion, the ending of Cold Skin is a lesson in “How to Disappoint Your Audience.” Gruner gets his comeuppance (finally), and Friend is left contemplating the meaning of it all. But really, the entire movie feels like a prolonged exercise in not making the right choices, which is fine for a while, but when the climax comes, you’re left thinking, “Was this it? Was all that buildup just… for this?” There’s no satisfying conclusion, no real character arc, and most importantly, no escape from the realization that you’ve just watched two grown men on a doomed island making bad decisions for nearly two hours.
Final Thoughts: A Film That Feels More Like a Fish Out of Water
Cold Skin is a movie that asks a lot of its viewers—mostly in the form of patience, as the plot slowly sinks under the weight of its own absurdity. The characters are clueless, the creatures are ridiculous, and the plot is as lifeless as a fish out of water. It’s not quite the atmospheric, edge-of-your-seat horror film it aspires to be. Instead, it’s a strangely hilarious, albeit disappointing, reminder that sometimes the scariest thing about a horror film is realizing you’ve wasted your time watching it.
