There are bad movies, and then there are movies that look like they were literally written in the devil’s diary itself—only instead of summoning chaos, brimstone, and eternal damnation, the book coughed up a Canadian made-for-TV horror film that feels like a half-baked Goosebumps episode stretched out by teenagers whining about popularity. Welcome to Devil’s Diary (2007), a film that proves even Lucifer himself probably has better things to do than sit through this mess.
The Premise: Mean Girls Meets Discount Hellraiser
The story begins with Dominique and Ursula, two outcast teens wandering around a graveyard at night. Because apparently, in this universe, hanging around gravestones is a perfectly normal way to avoid doing homework. They stumble across a glowing book of doom (because why not?), which turns out to be a satanic burn book that makes Regina George look like a nun. You write a wish, and presto—someone’s bones snap, faces melt, or hair falls out. It’s like Final Destination, but instead of Death pulling the strings, it’s a goth girl with poor impulse control and a knockoff Lisa Frank diary.
Naturally, Ursula clutches this book like it’s the last iPhone at a Black Friday sale. She immediately uses it to maim her enemies, including the cheerleaders who torment her and the golden-boy boyfriend of one of them. Dominique, the “good” friend, immediately regrets their graveyard treasure hunt, because she has a conscience and—more importantly—eyebrows expressive enough to communicate Catholic guilt.
The Characters: Walking After-School Special Stereotypes
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Dominique (Alexz Johnson): The obligatory moral compass. She spends most of the film sighing heavily, trying to wrestle the diary away, and looking like she wandered in from a melodramatic CW drama.
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Ursula (Magda Apanowicz): The goth-lite best friend who embraces the book faster than you can say “Hot Topic clearance rack.” She quickly transforms from bullied misfit to the kind of person who writes “die screaming” in cursive.
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Heather (Miriam McDonald): Queen bee cheerleader who suffers broken legs, loses her boyfriend, and still manages to look bored about it all. Her idea of revenge is writing “choke on vomit” in the diary, which is as creative as a seventh grader’s insult.
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Georgia (Deanna Casaluce): Heather’s bestie turned backstabber. She gleefully murders everyone around her with the diary, which makes her the film’s only honest character.
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Father Mulligan (Brian Krause): The obligatory priest who reacts to the devil’s actual diary with the enthusiasm of a man asked to host bingo night.
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Father Sanchez: Because no Catholic subplot is complete without the ambitious priest who immediately volunteers to become Satan’s secretary. Spoiler: he bursts into flames, which feels less like divine punishment and more like a mercy killing.
The Plot, or How to Kill Time in a 90-Minute TV Slot
The film follows a simple formula:
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Someone writes a wish in the diary.
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That wish comes true in the most awkwardly staged “accident” imaginable.
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Everyone overacts.
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Dominique clutches her pearls and insists they should burn the book.
Repeat until you’re checking your own watch and begging Satan to smite your TV.
Examples of the diary’s “terror”:
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A cheerleader gets her legs broken in a car accident that looks more like a stunt rehearsal gone wrong.
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A pretty boy’s face melts in chemistry class—ironically, the only time high school chemistry has ever been memorable.
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A girl loses her teeth and hair, which makes her look like she got drunk and fought a lawnmower.
By the time Georgia is murdering her own friends with lighting rigs, the film stops being horror and turns into a PSA about why you shouldn’t give teenagers access to Sharpies, let alone demonic stationery.
The Horror: Satan Deserves Better
Devil’s Diary bills itself as horror but plays more like an angsty teen drama in which the horror is… having to listen to the dialogue. The deaths are PG-13 gore with the creativity of a middle school detention doodle. Nobody screams believably, and the special effects look like they were outsourced to a Windows 98 screensaver.
The true terror here isn’t the devil—it’s the pacing. This movie crawls slower than Father Sanchez’s attempt at villainy. At least Satan had style; this film has none.
The Ending: Hell by Hallmark
The climax tries to go big: Dominique writes her abusive stepdad’s death into the diary, then discovers she’s “sold her soul.” Which sounds cool—except it plays onscreen with all the intensity of someone realizing they forgot to DVR American Idol.
Then Father Sanchez takes the book, bursts into flames like a satanic piñata, and Dominique ends up in a psychiatric ward muttering about visions. The final image? Two random boys finding the diary in the graveyard again, proving that evil is eternal and so are bad sequels.
If this movie had been a real diary, the last entry would’ve been: “Dear Devil, please don’t let anyone greenlight a sequel. Love, Humanity.”
Performances: Or, How to Look Bored While Summoning Satan
Alexz Johnson and Magda Apanowicz try their best, but they’re clearly fighting a script that belongs in detention. Brian Krause delivers lines like he’s reading grocery lists. Miriam McDonald, fresh off Degrassi, spends most of her screen time sitting in a hospital bed looking like she’s counting down the minutes until her paycheck clears.
Nobody seems scared. Nobody seems invested. Honestly, the most committed performance is from the diary itself, which at least manages to glow ominously on cue.
Final Thoughts: Burn This Book
Devil’s Diary wants to be The Craft meets Final Destination, but it ends up as Goosebumps: My Goth Friend Found a Notebook. The horror is toothless, the plot is recycled, and the characters are so flat they could be used as bookmarks in the actual diary.
The only thing scary here is how committed the filmmakers were to stretching a 20-minute premise into 90 minutes. If Satan really authored this book, he should sue for defamation—because this movie makes the Prince of Darkness look like an amateur with no sense of spectacle.
Verdict
Devil’s Diary is less a horror movie and more an after-school special about why you shouldn’t skip church or trust your edgy best friend. It’s not scary, it’s not clever, and the only thing it kills is your patience.
Final Grade: F (for “Forgettable” and “For the Love of God, Make It Stop”).
