There are bad horror movies, and then there is Mikey, a film that feels like “Home Alone” remade by someone who misunderstood every single part of it. Replace the slapstick charm with dead goldfish, exploding houses, and a child actor who looks like he’s thinking about lunch during every murder, and you’ve got yourself a movie that exists solely to make babysitters quit en masse. Directed by Dennis Dimster—whose name sounds like someone trying to order Denny’s while half-asleep—Mikey is a psychological slasher that asks the bold question: “What if we took the evil child trope and made it… worse?” The movie is a 90-minute PSA about why social services should do background checks, why adoption agencies should ask more than one question, and why absolutely no one, under any circumstances, should ever own a backyard pool. We meet Mikey, a child who is already playing with fire—literally. He sets newspapers ablaze in the basement, because nothing says “stable upbringing” like a nine-year-old reenacting Backdraft. He blames his sister Beth, but she’s too young to speak, which is convenient for Mikey and deeply inconvenient for everyone else. When his foster mother expresses mild disappointment, Mikey responds the way any emotionally grounded child would: And the police? They shrug harder than a cat knocked off a bookshelf. “Kids don’t kill adults,” they say, even though the opening scene is Mikey treating homicide like it’s arts and crafts time. A psychiatrist then recommends—brace yourself—that Mikey should be placed with another family. Because nothing fixes a mass-murdering child like relocating him to fresh victims and giving him a room with better lighting. His new foster parents, Neil and Rachel Trenton, somehow know nothing about Mikey’s past. They take him in anyway because, I assume, they have never seen a horror movie, interviewed a psychic, looked at a child suspiciously, or possessed even one ounce of intuition. Reader, I must emphasize: But the Trentons remain blissfully unaware. They clap proudly at his school games and hang his drawings on the fridge, even though the artwork looks like a cry for help from someone three crayons short of sanity. Mikey quickly develops a crush on Jessie, the attractive older neighbor. Jessie is kind, friendly, and approximately 10 years older than him—exactly the type of woman nine-year-old psychopaths fall in love with right before murdering everyone she cares about. Her boyfriend David meets the same fate as every movie boyfriend in the early ‘90s: Mikey kicks a radio into David’s jacuzzi, and David dies with the same slack-jawed confusion the rest of us had watching this movie. Mikey then kills Jessie’s cat because… of course he does. This kid treats murder the way most kids treat Pokémon cards: collect them all. When his teacher and principal suspect Mikey might be “troubled”—you know, after he behaves like someone who should be wearing a child-sized Hannibal Lecter mask—Mikey solves the problem by: shooting them with a bow and arrow and slingshotting their skulls and then whistling his way home like he just finished recess I’ve seen nerf-based violence more believable than this. In the movie’s pièce de résistance of stupidity, Mikey decides to fake his own death. How? He steals a child-sized skeleton from school Dresses it at the dinner table like it’s a wax museum exhibit Spreads corpses around for decoration Creates a gas leak Throws a Molotov cocktail into the house This is the first nine-year-old in history who could have been hired by the CIA. Somehow, the authorities see the burnt skeleton and assume Mikey is dead. This town couldn’t solve a crossword puzzle, much less a homicide spree. Mikey Moves On, Because This Movie Wants a Franchise** The movie ends with Mikey—now going by “Josh”—being adopted by yet another unsuspecting family. The camera zooms in on his angelic little smile, as the music tells us we just witnessed something terrifying, even though what we really witnessed was: two dead families thirty red flags zero consequences the world’s dumbest adults and a child killer who operates with the subtlety of a chainsaw in a library Roll credits. Everyone loses. Except Mikey, who apparently has a lifetime supply of new parents lined up like clearance items. Acting So Wooden You Could Turn It Into a Bookshelf** Brian Bonsall plays Mikey with all the emotional range of a toaster oven. His “evil smile” looks like he’s trying to remember the Pledge of Allegiance. The adults fare no better. Jessie spends most of her screentime wearing expressions like, “Is this child… flirting with me?” and “Did my agent really say yes to this script?” The detective investigating the murders acts like his paycheck hasn’t cleared yet. He never suspects Mikey, even when the evidence screams: Not Scary Enough for Horror, Not Smart Enough for Thriller, Not Self-Aware Enough for Camp** Mikey wants to be disturbing, but accidentally becomes hilarious. It’s a movie where: every death is Rube Goldberg–adjacent every adult is criminally incompetent and every attempt at suspense lands with a dull thud You don’t fear Mikey. You fear the filmmakers. A Bad Movie With a Body Count Higher Than Its IQ** Mikey is a cinematic cautionary tale—mainly cautioning you not to waste 90 minutes on it. It’s dumb, tone-deaf, weirdly paced, and aggressively implausible. But it’s also accidentally funny, endlessly mockable, and a perfect example of early-‘90s horror trying way too hard to shock and ending up as pure cheese. If you want a “killer kid” movie, watch The Good Son. If you want unintentional laughs, watch Mikey. If you want to live a better life, watch literally anything else.
Plot Summary (or: A Child’s Guide to Murdering With Household Items)
1. Drowns Beth
2. Electrocutes mom in the bathtub
3. Bludgeons dad with a baseball bat
The Trentons: Proof That Optimism Is Deadly
Mikey does not act normal.
He gives the exact energy of a kid who microwaves insects for fun.
The Mikey-Jessie-David Triangle of Death
death by poorly grounded appliance.
The School Sequence: Bow-and-Arrow Shenanigans
The Gas Explosion Scene: OSHA’s Worst Nightmare
**The Ending:
**Performances:
“HEY, MAYBE CHECK THE CHILD WHO WAS PRESENT AT EVERY MURDER.”
**Tone:
**Final Verdict:
