When Dolls Attack… Your Patience There are movies so terrifying they haunt your dreams. Then there are movies so terrible they haunt your Netflix algorithm. The Legend of Robert the Doll firmly belongs to the second category. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a cursed object you’d find in a thrift store — dusty, cheap, and … Read More ““The Legend of Robert the Doll” — The Toymaker Strikes (Out) Again” »
The Horror of Secondhand Hauntings There are bad horror remakes, and then there’s Kinavalli — a movie so confused about what it wants to be that even the ghosts look bored. Billed as a fantasy horror-comedy (because apparently genres are like buffet items now), this Malayalam-language remake of the Thai hit Pee Mak tries to … Read More ““Kinavalli” — The Nightmare Vine You Wish You’d Never Planted” »
The Horror of Familiarity By the time Insidious: The Last Key lurches onto the screen, the audience has been through enough “Further” excursions to know exactly what to expect: jump scares, fog machines, and Lin Shaye whispering to dead people like she’s trying to order through a broken drive-thru speaker. It’s the fourth entry in … Read More ““Insidious: The Last Key” — Unlocking the Door to Mediocrity” »
The Horror of the Half-Off Rack “In Fabric” is a film that asks the immortal question: what if a haunted dress had better acting chops than most of the human cast? Peter Strickland, the auteur of ornate absurdity, gives us a horror movie stitched together from nightmares, catalog copy, and the faint smell of mothballs. … Read More ““In Fabric”: The Devil Wears Polyester” »
Welcome to the House That Jack Bored There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think Lars von Trier is a misunderstood genius pushing the boundaries of cinema, and those who think he’s a guy who never met an editor brave enough to say “no.” The House That Jack Built (2018) is … Read More ““The House That Jack Built” — A Three-Hour TED Talk About Serial Killing and Pretension” »
Welcome to the Airbnb From Hell (and Not in the Fun Way) There are bad horror movies, and then there are horror movies that feel like someone filmed a group therapy session inside a Spirit Halloween clearance aisle. House of Demons (2018), directed and written by Patrick Meaney, falls firmly into the latter category. It’s … Read More ““House of Demons” — Where Therapy Goes to Die, Screaming” »
Welcome to the Graham Family Reunion, Sponsored by Paimon and Poor Life Choices If family drama and demonic possession had a baby, it would be Hereditary. And that baby would grow up to whisper unsettling things, sculpt creepy miniatures, and decapitate its sister with the enthusiasm of a Pixar protagonist discovering their destiny. Ari Aster’s … Read More ““Hereditary” — The Family That Prays Together Slays Together” »
Welcome to Hell, Where the Budget’s on Fire At this point, the Hellraiser franchise is less a series of films and more a tax write-off that occasionally remembers Pinhead exists. By the time we get to Hellraiser: Judgment (2018), the tenth entry in a franchise that has officially outlasted most people’s patience and all traces … Read More ““Hellraiser: Judgment” — When Bureaucracy Comes to Hell and Hell Decides to Unionize” »
Welcome Back to the Abaddon Hotel, Population: Poor Decisions If there’s one thing horror sequels have taught us, it’s that no one ever learns anything. Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel is proof that curiosity doesn’t just kill the cat — it drags the entire journalism department down to hell with it. Written and … Read More ““Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel” — Found Footage, Lost Plot” »
Welcome to Hell Fest — Population: Poor Choices Ah, Hell Fest — the cinematic equivalent of buying a ticket to a haunted house, realizing it’s just your neighbor’s garage with fake cobwebs, and still getting hit in the face with a wet sponge. Directed by Gregory Plotkin (of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension fame — … Read More ““Hell Fest” — A Haunted House of Clichés Where the Real Horror Is the Script” »