Welcome to Hell Fest — Population: Poor Choices
Ah, Hell Fest — the cinematic equivalent of buying a ticket to a haunted house, realizing it’s just your neighbor’s garage with fake cobwebs, and still getting hit in the face with a wet sponge. Directed by Gregory Plotkin (of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension fame — yes, that one), this 2018 slasher tries to resurrect the good old days of 1980s horror. Unfortunately, it ends up looking like a Spirit Halloween ad with commitment issues.
The premise is simple — too simple. A group of six aggressively mediocre twenty-somethings visit a traveling horror theme park, only to find out that a real killer is stalking them. Cue the screams, the strobe lights, and the eternal question: why are these characters always so stupid?
If Hell Fest were a roller coaster, it would be the kiddie ride that breaks down halfway through — not because it’s thrilling, but because it wasn’t properly maintained.
Plot: Scooby-Doo, But Everyone’s the Dumb One
The movie opens with a random girl getting murdered in a haunted maze — because of course it does. Her corpse is later mistaken for a prop, which is, admittedly, the most realistic part of the film. Fast-forward to Halloween night, where we meet our heroine, Natalie (Amy Forsyth), and her friends Brooke (Reign Edwards), Taylor (Bex Taylor-Klaus), and an assortment of disposable male love interests whose names don’t matter because they’ll be dead soon.
The group heads to “Hell Fest,” a traveling carnival of jump scares, gore effects, and neon lights. You know, the kind of place that promises “you might die of fright” — and in this case, it’s technically true.
They giggle, flirt, and Instagram their way through haunted mazes until Natalie witnesses what looks like a real murder. Naturally, nobody believes her, because in horror movies, the best way to handle trauma is to tell the victim to “chill, it’s part of the show.”
From there, things spiral — in the slowest way possible. The killer, known creatively as The Other (because “Generic Masked Man #7” was taken), stalks the group, kills them one by one, and does absolutely nothing memorable in the process. By the time he’s down to Natalie and Brooke, you’ll be checking your watch and wondering if Netflix still remembers you’re watching.
The big twist? The killer goes home at the end — to a suburban house, a little daughter, and a collection of masks like he’s the world’s least interesting Etsy seller. So yes, Hell Fest ends with a murderer who has both a kill streak and a stable family life. Representation matters, I guess.
The Characters: A Buffet of Bland
Let’s talk about the victims — or, as the script calls them, “dialogue delivery systems.” Natalie is our Final Girl, which mostly means she looks mildly uncomfortable and occasionally screams on cue. Brooke is her supportive friend who exists to say things like, “You need to loosen up!” Taylor (Bex Taylor-Klaus) plays the “wild one” — you can tell because she swears, wears leather, and flirts with death, both literally and stylistically.
The guys are less characters and more moving targets. They flirt, they drink, they make poor decisions, and they die horribly. It’s hard to feel bad for them because you can’t remember who’s who. One of them gets his head smashed by a mallet, and the only thing I could think was, “Wow, even the deaths are padded.”
And then there’s Tony Todd, horror royalty himself, showing up for about 90 seconds as “The Barker” — the carnival’s hype man. He delivers his lines with gravitas, then disappears like he realized halfway through that he’s above this.
Honestly, if Tony Todd were the killer, I’d have cheered. At least then the movie would’ve had a pulse.
The Killer: Mr. Personality (Not)
The Other — yes, that’s his name — might be the most unremarkable slasher villain in cinematic history. He wears a mask, doesn’t talk, and kills people in ways that are neither creative nor scary. He’s like if Michael Myers and a background extra had a baby and then forgot to raise it.
The movie desperately tries to make him mysterious. “Ooh, maybe he’s just a regular guy blending in with the crowd!” the script whispers. Except that idea stops being interesting when you realize the entire park is filled with masked weirdos doing the exact same thing.
So when The Other lurks among them, it’s not chilling — it’s just confusing. It’s like trying to find Waldo at a Halloween convention.
The Scares: Haunted House for People Who Scare Easily
You’d think a movie set in a Halloween theme park would be brimming with terrifying visuals and inventive kills. Nope. Instead, Hell Fest gives us dimly lit corridors, jump scares with fake corpses, and a whole lot of loud noises pretending to be tension.
There’s one semi-decent scene involving a guillotine — mostly because it flirts with the idea of meta-horror. Taylor volunteers for a “fake execution,” only to realize the blade might be real. It’s the one moment that feels like the movie’s actually trying. But of course, instead of capitalizing on it, the film immediately goes back to its favorite activity: wandering around the park aimlessly.
If you’ve ever been to a haunted house and thought, “This is kind of lame,” congratulations — you’ve already experienced Hell Fest without paying for a ticket.
Cinematography & Production Design: Flashy but Empty
To give credit where it’s due, the set design is impressive. The carnival looks like a real haunted attraction — full of neon lights, fog machines, and people making minimum wage to scare teenagers. The problem is, the movie spends too muchtime admiring itself. Every wide shot screams, “Look how cool our lighting is!”
It’s like the cinematographer got so excited about the blacklight paint that he forgot to shoot anything scary. The camera often lingers on props instead of people — which, to be fair, makes sense, since the props have more personality.
The Writing: A Murder Weapon in Itself
You know your script’s in trouble when the dialogue sounds like it was written by a haunted house focus group. Characters say things like, “This is so real!” and “It’s just part of the show!” about fifteen times each, as if the writers were afraid the audience might forget where they are.
The pacing is bizarre — half the movie is setup, a quarter is filler, and the remaining ten minutes is a rushed finale where you realize you don’t care who lives or dies.
And the killer’s motivation? Don’t even ask. He’s evil because… he’s evil. Deep stuff.
The Ending: The Real Horror Is the Sequel Tease
After all the running, screaming, and fluorescent lighting, the movie ends with The Other heading home to his suburban life. He puts his latest mask in a trophy case next to his daughter’s toys — a reveal that’s supposed to be chilling but lands somewhere between “Lifetime movie” and “Target Halloween commercial.”
Apparently, evil can wear khakis and live in the suburbs. So basically, he’s every dad at Home Depot.
The final message seems to be: you never know who the killer might be! Which would be profound if Hell Fest hadn’t spent the last 90 minutes proving it didn’t know either.
Final Thoughts: More Snooze Than Scares
Hell Fest wants to be a throwback to classic slashers like Halloween or Scream, but it ends up as Scooby-Doo: The Live Experience. It’s predictable, bloodless (literally and figuratively), and only scary if you’re allergic to neon.
If this movie were a haunted attraction, it’d be the one you walk through just to kill time before the real fun begins. It’s not offensively bad — just depressingly mediocre, the cinematic version of stale candy corn.
At least the title’s honest: it’s a festival, all right — a festival of disappointment.
Final Rating: ★★☆☆☆
(Two out of five fake severed heads — one for Tony Todd’s paycheck, one for the lighting department, and none for everyone else.)
