Welcome to the Asylum, Population: Regret Let’s start with the obvious—The Control Group sounds like a movie that could have been clever. A secret experiment, an abandoned asylum, a cast of college students who don’t realize they’re lab rats—it’s a horror setup with potential. But then someone decided to inject it with equal parts confusion, … Read More “The Control Group (2014): Science, Madness, and the Experimental Torture of the Audience” »
“Send in the Clowns,” They Said. They Didn’t Mean This. Jon Watts’ Clown is a movie that begins with a fake trailer prank and somehow ends as a feature-length cry for help. Originally made as a joke trailer that credited Eli Roth as the director without his knowledge, Roth thought, “Hey, why not?” and decided … Read More “Clown (2014): When the Joke’s on the Audience” »
The Horror of Broadband and Bad Filmmaking If you’ve ever wanted to watch a slasher movie that feels like it was written by someone who just learned what “the Internet” is from a CSI: Miami rerun, congratulations—Cam2Cam is the film for you. Directed by Joel Soisson and released in 2014, this Thailand-set webcam thriller promises … Read More “Cam2Cam (2014): When Horror Logs On, But the Wi-Fi Drop” »
When a Seagull Has More Depth Than the Characters If you’ve ever thought, “What if Cruel Intentions had a lobotomy and moved to Malibu?”, congratulations—you’ve already seen California Scheming in your mind, and you’ve saved yourself 99 minutes of cinematic purgatory. Written and directed by Marco Weber, this 2014 “psychological thriller” is less psychological, barely … Read More “California Scheming (2014): The Thrill Is Gone, But the Smog Remains” »
The Disease That Wouldn’t Die At some point in Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, a character melts into a puddle of blood and mucus while another tries to patch things up with duct tape, and you think—“Yes, that about sums up this movie.” Directed by Kaare Andrews, this 2014 prequel to Cabin Fever is a cinematic … Read More “Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (2014) — The Infection Is the Screenplay” »
When the Plot Is the Real Horror Let’s start with a confession: I watched Bunshinsaba 3 so you don’t have to. That alone should earn me hazard pay or at least a séance with a refund attached. Directed by Ahn Byeong-ki—yes, the same man responsible for the Bunshinsabafranchise that refuses to die—this 2014 Chinese horror … Read More “Bunshinsaba 3 (2014): Ghosts, Gaslighting, and the Cinematic Equivalent of a Migraine” »
When Twilight Feels Like Shakespeare Every now and then, a movie comes along that reminds you why vampire films went out of fashion. Blood Ransom is that movie. Directed and written by Francis Dela Torre, this 2014 “vampire romance thriller” (three genres, zero success) is a cinematic experience that manages to make both love and … Read More “Blood Ransom (2014): Love Bites, But Mostly It Just Drains the Audience” »
The Vampire That Sucked—And Not in the Good Way Let’s get this out of the way: Black Water Vampire is not just bad. It’s aggressively, almost heroically bad. It’s like someone found an abandoned camcorder, filmed a weekend camping trip with their least interesting friends, and then decided it was a vampire movie halfway through. … Read More “Black Water Vampire (2014): When Found Footage Should Have Stayed Lost” »
A Bloody Playground If there’s one thing Takashi Miike has proven throughout his career, it’s that he doesn’t do “normal.” Whether it’s Audition’s acupuncture-inspired dating lessons or Ichi the Killer’s charming study in dismemberment, Miike operates in a cinematic dimension where the words “too much” are merely a challenge. So when the man behind Visitor … Read More “As the Gods Will (2014): When Takashi Miike Decides Your Childhood Games Should Kill You” »
A Monster Mash Without the Mash Let’s start with the title, because that’s the only part that makes sense. Army of Frankensteins sounds like it should be a glorious B-movie romp — hordes of stitched-together monsters tearing through the Civil War like undead tourists on a historical reenactment gone horribly right. Instead, we get a … Read More “Army of Frankensteins (2014): When Science and Sanity Both Take a Holiday” »