Chucky’s Less Talented Cousin If dolls could win Oscars, Annabelle wouldn’t even get a participation ribbon. John R. Leonetti’s Annabelle (2014) is a movie about an evil toy that somehow manages to be less animated than the actual toy. It’s a prequel nobody asked for to a spinoff nobody needed, a 99-minute tutorial in how … Read More “Annabelle (2014): The Doll That Couldn’t Act but Still Got a Franchise” »
When Summer Vacation Turns into a Slasher Symphony There’s something almost magical about Among the Living (Aux yeux des vivants), Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo’s gloriously twisted 2014 French horror film. Magical, that is, if your definition of magic involves blood, trauma, and Béatrice Dalle glaring at you like she knows your worst secret. Maury … Read More “Among the Living (2014): Childhood, Carnage, and Clowns in the French Countryside” »
When the Truth Is Out There… but Boring Is Down Here There are movies about alien abductions that make you fear the sky. Then there’s Alien Abduction (2014), which makes you fear your streaming queue. Directed by Matty Beckerman in his debut (and possibly his cinematic abduction by bad taste), this found-footage slog tries to … Read More “Alien Abduction (2014): The Only Thing Missing Is the Plot” »
Night of the Living Meh You know a movie’s in trouble when the zombies have more charisma than the living cast. John Gulager’s Zombie Night(2013) is proof that even the end of the world can be boring. It’s a Syfy Channel fever dream featuring washed-up stars, limp dialogue, and undead extras who look like they’re … Read More “Zombie Night (2013): When the Apocalypse Should’ve Stayed in the Script Stage” »
The Undead Have Risen… and So Has My Regret There are bad zombie movies. There are so-bad-they’re-good zombie movies. And then there’s Zombie Holidays 3D, which somehow manages to skip both categories and land squarely in so-bad-it-feels-like-a-fever-dream. Directed by Kirill Chemnitz, this 2013 Russian “zombie comedy” (a term I use under duress) is an experiment … Read More “Zombie Holidays 3D (2013): When Brains Are in Short Supply—On and Off the Screen” »
The Found-Footage Film That Found Its Hairy Heart If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Blair Witch Project and Finding Bigfoot had an awkward love child, Bobcat Goldthwait’s Willow Creek (2013) is the answer. It’s a love letter to cryptozoology, a mockumentary about obsession, and a masterclass in how to make … Read More “Willow Creek (2013): Bigfoot, Bobcat, and the Art of Slow-Motion Terror” »
A Courtroom Drama with Claws Every now and then, a horror movie sneaks up on you like a full moon behind the clouds—a film that looks like yet another “found-footage blah-blah-blah,” but suddenly bares its fangs and reminds you that the genre still has some bite. William Brent Bell’s Wer (2013) is one of those … Read More “Wer (2013): When the Defense Rests… and Then Howls” »
YouTube, Torture, and Terrible Decisions There are bad movies, and then there are movies that make you question not just your taste, but your entire life trajectory. Jessica Cameron’s Truth or Dare—a 2013 horror film that doubles as a PSA for why influencers should never leave their ring lights unattended—falls squarely into the latter. It’s … Read More “Truth or Dare (2013): The Dares Are Deadly, but the Dialogue Is Worse” »
The Devil Went Down to Tasmania (and Forgot His Lines) If you ever wanted to watch Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years get chased through the woods by demonic marsupials, congratulations—your oddly specific wish came true in Tasmanian Devils, the 2013 Syfy original that answers the question no one asked: “What if Looney Tunes’ Taz … Read More “Tasmanian Devils (2013): Hell Spins Faster Down Under” »
The Horror Anthology That Should’ve Stayed in the Shadows Every so often, a film comes along that makes you realize horror anthologies can, in fact, die of natural causes. Tales from the Dark 1, the 2013 Hong Kong triptych of supernatural misfires, manages this feat with gusto—three segments, three directors, and approximately zero consistent scares. … Read More “Tales from the Dark 1 (2013): Three Ghosts, No Chill, and an Afterlife of Boredom” »