The Rhode Island Chainsaw Extraterrestrial Almost Human (2013) is what happens when The X-Files crashes headfirst into a VHS copy of The Thing and wakes up in a New England logging town. Directed by Joe Begos in his feature debut — and shot entirely in Rhode Island, because where else do you film cosmic horror … Read More ““Almost Human” — When Friendship Meets an Alien Parasite” »
A Travel Vlog from Hell If you’ve ever watched a travel influencer’s video and thought, “This would be way better if one of them started vomiting blood and punching through walls,” then Afflicted (2013) is your dream come true. Written, directed, and performed by Derek Lee and Clif Prowse — two guys who looked at … Read More ““Afflicted” — The Best Vacation Gone Horribly, Hilariously Wrong” »
Welcome to Eerie Strait — Population: Idiots If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if CSI took a field trip to Resident Evil’s least interesting location, look no further than 13 Eerie (2013). Directed by Lowell Dean — in his feature debut, and possibly his last if there’s any justice in cinema — this Canadian … Read More ““13 Eerie” — The Only Thing Dead Here Is the Script” »
The Equation That Didn’t Add Up In 2013, Kannada cinema decided to toss the calculator out the window and prove that 6-5 doesn’t equal 1—it equals a demonic forest, several missing hikers, and a generation of sleepless students. 6-5=2, directed by K.S. Ashoka, is proudly billed as the first found footage horror film in Kannada. … Read More ““6-5=2”: When Math Fails and the Mountains Start Screaming” »
Mars Attacks… but Make It Existential Let’s face it: if humans ever colonize Mars, it’ll end one of two ways — we’ll either become gods of science or die horribly inside a glorified soda can. The Last Days on Mars chooses the second option and does it with style, dread, and just enough dark humor … Read More “The Last Days on Mars (2013): Zombies, Space, and the Slow Death of Optimism” »
The Horror of Upper West Side Privilege If Sofia Coppola and the Twilight saga ever had a moody, over-educated baby, it would be Innocence — a horror movie that’s neither horrifying nor particularly innocent. Directed by Hilary Brougher and based on Jane Mendelsohn’s novel, this film is a cautionary tale about grief, vampirism, and the … Read More “Innocence (2013): Twilight for People Who Think Whole Foods is Haunted” »
Paging Dr. Disaster If you ever wondered what would happen if The Texas Chainsaw Massacre had a baby with a gas station restroom, the answer is The Hospital (2013). This cinematic catastrophe from co-directors Tommy Golden and Daniel Emery Taylor proves that not all horror movies are created equal — some are cobbled together in … Read More “The Hospital (2013): Where Horror Goes to Die (of Embarrassment)” »
Ghosts of Georgia… or Maybe Confusion? If there were a prize for Most Misleading Movie Title, The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia would win by a mile — or maybe by a thousand, since Connecticut and Georgia are approximately that far apart. This cinematic geography lesson gone wrong is not a sequel so … Read More “The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013): When Geography and Logic Both Die Screaming” »
Welcome to the Haunted Suburbs There are two types of haunted house movies: the kind that make you afraid to turn off the lights, and the kind that make you afraid of wasting your Friday night. Haunt somehow manages to be both. It’s spooky enough to keep you watching, but generic enough that halfway through, … Read More “Haunt (2013): Where Ghosts and Hormones Collide” »
A Bloody Fairy Tale for Helicopter Parents Everywhere John McNaughton’s The Harvest (a.k.a. Can’t Come Out to Play — because “Children’s Hospital: The Home Game” tested poorly) is one of those rare horror films that manages to be both horrifying and heartfelt. It’s like Hansel & Gretel if the witch had a medical license and … Read More “The Harvest (2013): Mommy Dearest Meets Organ Donor of the Year” »