Once Upon a Time… in a Cloud of Regret Somewhere in Hollywood, a group of producers sat around a table and said, “You know what Hansel and Gretel needs? Weed.” And because it was 2013 and someone had just made Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, everyone nodded and wrote a check. The result is Hansel & … Read More “Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (2013): A Grimm Fairytale for the Terminally High” »
Welcome to the Jungle (Please Lower Your Expectations) If The Green Inferno were a meal, it would be an undercooked burger made entirely out of pretension and human flesh. Eli Roth, horror’s self-appointed king of shock and the man who once made torture tourism seem profitable (Hostel), decided to take a sabbatical from subtlety and … Read More “The Green Inferno (2013): A Buffet of Bad Decisions Served Rare” »
The Ghost of Better Movies Past If Geethaanjali were an actual haunting, it wouldn’t be the kind that makes you scream — it would be the kind that just keeps rearranging your furniture while muttering, “Remember Manichitrathazhu? That was better.” Priyadarshan’s 2013 horror film promised the triumphant return of Dr. Sunny Joseph, Mohanlal’s beloved psychiatrist-slash-ghostbuster … Read More “Geethaanjali (2013): When Ghosts, Twins, and Logic All Die at Once” »
Shattered Expectations If you’ve ever woken up from a nap and thought, “Wait, who am I, and why am I watching this?” — congratulations, you’ve just experienced the Fractured viewing experience. Directed by Adam Gierasch (Night of the Demons remake, which suddenly looks like Citizen Kane by comparison), Fractured is a psychological horror film about … Read More “Fractured (2013): A Psychological Horror That Forgot to Take Its Medication” »
Welcome to the English Civil War (Sponsored by Mushrooms) If you’ve ever wanted to watch five filthy 17th-century men lose their minds in a field while eating hallucinogenic fungi and discussing alchemy, A Field in England (2013) is the movie you didn’t know you needed. Directed by Ben Wheatley — the same mad genius who … Read More “A Field in England (2013): Magic Mushrooms, Musket Smoke, and Existential Madness” »
Lights, Camera, Nonsense If you’ve ever watched a crime thriller and thought, “This would be better if I couldn’t see anything, didn’t understand the plot, and everyone screamed directly into the camera,” then congratulations — Evidence (2013) is your dream come true. Directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi (The Fourth Kind) and written by John Swetnam (Into … Read More “Evidence (2013): CSI: ShakyCam Edition” »
Mickey’s Mad House Every now and then, a movie comes along that makes you question not just what you’ve watched, but whether you’ve accidentally inhaled something illegal during the opening credits. Escape from Tomorrow is that film — a fever dream of capitalism, family meltdown, and black-and-white despair filmed inside actual Disney parks without permission. … Read More “Escape from Tomorrow (2013): The Happiest Nightmare on Earth” »
A Stake to the Heart of Cinema There are bad vampire movies, and then there’s Dracula: The Dark Prince (2013) — a film so lifeless it makes Nosferatu look like he just pounded a Red Bull. Directed by Pearry Reginald Teo and starring an oddly miscast Jon Voight (yes, thatJon Voight), this cinematic bloodletting somehow … Read More “Dracula: The Dark Prince (2013): The Fangless Wonder of the Carpathians” »
The Spirit Is Willing, but the Movie Is Weak There are few things more depressing than watching a horror legend like Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Poltergeist) go out not with a bang, but with a mild, confused whimper. Djinn (2013), his final directorial effort before his death, is a supernatural horror film … Read More “Djinn (2013): When Horror Gets Lost in Translation (and the Desert)” »
The Call Is Coming from Inside the Plot Hole Every horror movie has that one fatal flaw — the moment you realize it’s not the characters in danger, it’s you, the viewer, trapped for 90 minutes with no way out. In the case of Devil May Call (2013), that moment comes about seven minutes in, … Read More “Devil May Call (2013): When the Killer Rings Twice… and Nobody Cares” »