The End Is Nigh — and So Is My Patience The Mayans warned us the world would end in 2012, but apparently, they just missed by a year — or so claims 13/13/13, an Asylum production that answers the question no one asked: What if the end of the world was caused by leap years … Read More “13/13/13 (2013): A Calendar Error of Apocalyptic Proportions” »
Snowbound and Dumbfound If Barricade were a snowstorm, it wouldn’t be a blizzard—it’d be that sad slush that melts before you even have time to complain about it. Released in 2012 under the great and terrible banner of WWE Studios (the same house that brought you such masterpieces as The Marine 12: Still Marine-ing), Barricade … Read More ““Barricade” (2012): The Cabin Fever Nobody Asked For” »
Imagine showing up to a college party, getting blackout drunk, and waking up to find not only your hangover but an entire second version of yourself doing the same dumb things all over again. That’s +1 (or Plus One, if you’re not into punctuation-based titles)—a 2013 science fiction horror comedy from Dennis Iliadis that somehow … Read More “+1 (Plus One) — A Sci-Fi Party Where the Hangover is Existence Itself” »
The Ghosts Are Northern, and So Is the Humor If ghosts could talk, you’d imagine them sounding posh—moaning about “unfinished business” in Oxford accents while rattling teacups. But in When the Lights Went Out, director Pat Holden gives us something better: a haunting drenched in working-class Yorkshire grit, polyester curtains, and the kind of family … Read More “When the Lights Went Out (2012) – A Bloody Good Haunting with a Yorkshire Accent” »
A Hammer Horror Revival That Knows How to Creep, Not Leap If Gothic horror had a Tinder bio, The Woman in Black (2012) would be its most alluring match — gloomy, mysterious, and probably cursed. Directed by James Watkins and adapted by Jane Goldman, this film takes Susan Hill’s ghost story and wraps it in … Read More ““The Woman in Black” — Harry Potter and the Chamber of Ghosts” »
Cabin Fever, But Make It Swedish There are films that pay homage to The Evil Dead. Then there’s Wither (2012), a movie that grabs Sam Raimi’s classic by the ankles, shakes out all its wit, horror, and personality, and replaces them with IKEA-grade acting and lighting that makes it look like the whole movie was … Read More ““Wither” — The Evil Dead, but Without the Evil, or the Dead, or the Fun” »
The Howl That Whimpers There are bad werewolf movies, and then there’s Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012), a film so allergic to originality that it spends its entire runtime chasing its own tail. Directed by Louis Morneau — the same man who once gave us Bats(another misunderstood creature feature about bad CGI) — this … Read More ““Werewolf: The Beast Among Us” — Fur, Fang, and Forgettable” »
If Shaun of the Dead had been born in Amsterdam, raised on stroopwafels, and bitten by radioactive absurdity, it would’ve grown up to become Zombibi — or, as it’s known internationally, Kill Zombie!. This 2012 Dutch splatter comedy directed by Martijn Smits and Erwin van den Eshof is a glorious, blood-slicked carnival of stupidity, heroism, … Read More “Zombibi (Kill Zombie!) — The Netherlands’ Funniest Apocalypse” »
If horror franchises are like family trees, Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines is the inbred cousin they keep locked in the shed. Directed and written by Declan O’Brien—who by this point in the series had either gone mad or just stopped pretending otherwise—this entry is the cinematic equivalent of a head injury: confusing, repetitive, and occasionally … Read More “Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines — When a Franchise Drives Off a Cliff and Keeps on Chewing” »
Some films quietly knock on the door of your psyche. The Witness kicks that door down, shoots your emotional support system, and then politely explains why it was all for your own good. Directed by Muhammad Yusuf, this Indonesian–Filipino horror action hybrid isn’t content with simply giving you nightmares—it wants to make sure those nightmares … Read More “The Witness (2012): A Bloody Good Family Reunion You’ll Never Forget” »