Welcome to the Pine Barrens: Population — Bad Decisions Darren Lynn Bousman, the man who once turned “Saw” into an existential endurance test for people who hate eyelids, decided in 2012 to take us camping. Not just anywhere, of course—into the tangled wilderness of southern New Jersey, home of ticks, rabid deer, and that charming … Read More ““The Barrens” (2012): A Family Vacation to Hell—And It’s Delightful” »
Aisle 5: Blood, Bread, and Body Parts There are disaster movies, and then there’s Bait 3D, the cinematic equivalent of doing your weekly grocery run in a shark cage. Directed by Kimble Rendall and penned by John Kim and Russell Mulcahy, this 2012 Australian creature feature asks one simple question: What if Jaws met Costco? … Read More “Bait 3D: When Sharks Attack Your Grocery Run—and Phoebe Tonkin Steals the Scene” »
The Heel Who Found His Faith Johnny Lee Clary’s story reads like something out of a Southern Gothic tragedy spliced with a wrestling promo. Born June 18, 1959, in Martinez, California, Clary once strutted across the squared circle under the name Johnny Angel, a bleach-blond brawler with a manager’s sneer and a villain’s timing. But … Read More “Johnny Lee Clary: From Hate to Redemption in and out of the Ring” »
Please Insert Logic to Continue There are horror movies that make you afraid to go into the woods, afraid to answer the phone, or afraid to sleep with the lights off. ATM (2012) is not one of them. This film makes you afraid to use an ATM — not because of muggers or murderers, but … Read More ““ATM (2012)” — Now Dispensing 90 Minutes of Utter Nonsense” »
Welcome to Apartment 1303: No Refunds, No Logic, No Hope Every so often, a film comes along that challenges your understanding of cinema. Not in an avant-garde, Kubrickian way, but in a “how did this get made?” kind of way. Apartment 1303 3D (2012) is one of those films — a supernatural horror that manages … Read More ““Apartment 1303 3D” — A Three-Dimensional Disaster in Every Sense” »
Haunting? Hardly. More Like a Two-Hour Guilt Trip. Some movies make you believe in the supernatural. Others make you believe in the power of naps. Amorosa (The Revenge), a 2012 Filipino “psychological horror drama” by Topel Lee, somehow manages to do both — you’ll start praying for ghosts to appear, if only to put you … Read More ““Amorosa (The Revenge)” — A Horror Movie That Should’ve Stayed in the Afterlife” »
Welcome to the Jungle (Please Leave Immediately) There are bad movies, and then there are Alien Origin, which feels less like a movie and more like a cinematic cry for help. Released in 2012 by the legendary chaos factory known as The Asylum, this alleged Prometheus “mockbuster” proves that imitation is not only the sincerest … Read More ““Alien Origin” (2012) — Proof That Found Footage Should Stay Lost” »
History Class Just Got Fangs Let’s be honest: you don’t walk into Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter expecting subtlety. This isn’t Schindler’s List — it’s Schindler’s Fist, if Schindler were six-foot-four, carried an axe, and decapitated the undead between speeches about liberty. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov and produced by Tim Burton, this 2012 cinematic fever dream … Read More ““Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” — Four Score and Seven Stakes Ago” »
The Asylum’s Haunted Field Trip to Dumbtown If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if the Ghost Adventures crew got trapped in a bad improv exercise while being haunted by the spirit of a guy who looks like he still yells “Freebird!” at karaoke — then 100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck is … Read More ““100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck” — Found Footage Meets Found Dignity (Barely)” »
Welcome to the Cleek Family Values Program (Now Featuring Cannibalism) If you ever wanted to see Leave It to Beaver reimagined as a feminist revenge horror dipped in blood and irony, Lucky McKee’s The Woman is your new favorite dinner party conversation starter. Released in 2011 and co-written with horror novelist Jack Ketchum, The Woman … Read More ““The Woman” (2011) — A Bloody, Brilliant Lesson in Domestic Horror and Feminist Fury” »
